She is not happy with him, but feels good about herself when she is with him.
This says so much. There is much comfort you can draw from this. Your W's affair is about her. It's not about you and it's not about the OM. It's about her feeling good. He is simply an object that allows her to project her ideals onto it. She's feeling good about herself because he sees her with fresh eyes, without the expectations she believes you have of her. She's allowing herself to feel good around him. The really good thing to recognize here is that SHE CAN FEEL THIS WAY WITH YOU - with the added bonus of really being happy because she'll be acting with integrity, not simply self gratification.
Stand by and let this process run its course. She's got to grieve. Let her do so on her own. If she wants your comfort be there, but don't push it on her. Don't take any of this personally. If you take this personally you will push her away. Don't allow your neediness to make this about you. Don't try and rescue her from her feelings, stand alongside her and validate her feelings. Share her experience. Don't judge it, don't try and change it, just be there to share it.
Truly acknowledging her autonomy is the sexiest, most impressive thing you can do. You do this by acknowledging through your actions that you can't control her, you can't manipulate her and you refuse to even try. You communicate your feelings directly, you share them - and you have no expectation that they will change anything. You do not tell her you feel a certain way so that she'll change what she's doing. You tell her because you matter and you're sharing your experience.
OM is playing mind games with her. They are locked in a power struggle. He is trying to control her through these games. He is invalidating her autonomy. Don't make the same mistake. You're winning by default right now. Take advantage of this opportunity. Show her that not only is the affair clearly wrong, but having a relationship with you is what? How would you answer that and why? What are the selling points of a relationship with you in the future? What are your goals for your life moving forward? What are your goals for your relationship moving forward?
This is the point where you take the focus off of her and put in on yourself, for yourself. The answers to these questions are for you. They will help you understand what's really important to you. They will be a large part of what drives your life forward, and will determine your success to a large degree. This could become your mission statement. What are you going to achieve in life? How are you going to know whether you're on track or not? You can't expect what you don't inspect.
Keep the focus on what's important, what you are able to control. The affair could be faltering and ending or it could be going underground. You can influence the direction it goes by what you choose to focus on. If you focus on your W and the wrong being done in the affair, she'll likely feel the need to escape into, guess what? The A. Stand aside, be confident (that's another thing that respecting your W's autonomy exudes - confidence to the fullest).
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
