Life of Job

[81388*]

Just starting a new thread.

I am sure we all feel tested.

I have been rejected by the person whom I trust most in the world.(My trust should be in God!)

My Brother in law has been diagnosed with brain cancer and is in the hospital.

My Brother has been diagnosed with multiple blood clots and is in the hospital.

Lack of productivity at work has led to decreased income and financial problems.

legal problems at work.

With exception of some weekends and one day a week, I have functionally become a single parent to 3 kids and find it overwhelming, and spring sports have not even started.

I try and remember to pray every day that God will show me how I should respond, try to remember to thank Him for the good in my life, to help me stand as the husband I should be, and to continue to give of myself to others. Mostly I pray that this will be what He would have it be.

[81388*]

Update;
Brother is doing well on anticoagulant therapy, BIL biopsy went well, 4-5 days before we know anything. W called w/ update on BIL.

Saw friends who work closely with W. They asked how I was and if I needed anything. That has become code for "I know that your wife is divorcing you." She has got to the point that she is saying "I am going through a divorce" in casual conversation.

The cool thing is I didn't care, now that is detachment. I told them we(the kids and I) were fine, and we would piece it all together no matter what happened. I said I didn't want to get divorced, but I didn't want her here if she didn't want to be here either, the cool part is I meant it!

It has taken 3 months to come to the conclusion that I deserve much more than she is willing to give at this point in time. I am not going out looking for revenge, nor am I throwing in the towel, but I am truely detaching.

I am still hopeful that this trip to visit BIL will turn something around, but I honestly have no expectations either way. If she comes home and signs are promising, I will let it ride and cont. w/ gal and DB. If signs are not, I will ask her one more time to discontinue her A and go to MC with me. If she declines, I will ask her to leave the house.

Her response will be that the house is still 1/2 her's and she will leave when she is ready. I will respond that it is time for OM to step up. If she wants to have A, then it needs to be on her own time and her own dime. I am done with this behavior of her's.

I know that this is not "good DB", but it is time to make a stand.

[whatisis]

8, I may not be the guy to give this advice right now but what the Hell! Why the rush? Affairs tend to last 9 months (according to DR), you're living month 3. How much chance have you given DBing here? If you are detaching then you are in a happy place where she can't touch you. So why not let it ride and work at your DB plan, GAL your butt off and see where it goes. There's no point trying to force her to go for counselling, trust me, I've heard every bizarre line imaginable regarding that! As the real world catches up with the happy couple, you will start to look pretty damn good. So why not give it more time. Now, that said, everyone has their own limit and i would never condemn anyone for knowing it and enforcing it BUT just make damn sure you know that limit is what you really want. You have to live with the results. Think hard, my friend.

[mcojh]

OK Whatisis and 8, answer me this. My sitch is pretty similar to 8's. TIf the average A lasts 9 months, how does one stop a WAS having an A from moving out? I don't want to put words in 8's post, but if a W won't "come to their senses" and realize the destruction that they are causing? All the DBing and GALing in the world mean nothing if the WAS won't come around.

I may be turning too cynical, but if there is a deadline out there, whether real or implied, as it looms closer hope seems to be a rare commodity.

[Heywyre]

I have to agree with 8 - I don't think anyone can decide for another as to when the "right" time is to pull the plug, only the individual in the sitch knows. I thought I would have pulled the plug a lot earlier than where I am now, but I am still hanging in there (and this is the 2nd A for my H) - what makes me stay? Right now, I can't really tell you, I am presuming and hoping it is the love/life we have between us that I think is worth trying to save. And, for the time being, H feels the same way (although it seems day to day it changes). But, if he was not in the game and still seeing OW, I don't know if my opinion would be the same.

[81388*]

Whatis;
The point is I am done waiting to look like an OK alternative to some needy f*ck face OM. I am very clear on this fact, I am not closing the door, I am not throwing in the towel, I am saying I will not accept her behavior because it is immoral, hateful, and desrespectful.

If she wants to pursue a relationship with OM, then leave our home, file for divorce, wait for it to be final, then go f@ck up your life with this POS. Or at least move out and file. I have had it with this fence sitting, cake eating bullsh!t.

It is not just pride, it is common consideration. I am tired of all the "you contributed to the crisis as well bullsh!t", yes, I took for granted that my wife loved me, I became complacent in that I was bending over backwards to give her what she said outloud was what she wanted, yes I failed to read her f*cking mind, but I never disrespected her, I never ignored her, I never thought "to h#ll with her".

All of this begs the question, what is your goal?

My goal at this point is to make several things clear to my wife.
1) I love you

2) I want to make our marriage work

3) I am willing to do anything to work towards a healthy marriage except overlook the fact that you are sleeping with someone else.

4)If you are unwilling to discontinue your R with OM and work towards repair, then you need to live somplace else.

mcojh;
The party line is GAL is for you, DB, as far as 180 and LRT are to change the dynamics and responses of your relationship. Your W "coming to her senses" is totally up to her. DB is to stop your W from walking/running away, to take a second look and think "am I sure I want to give this up?"

I have come to the conclusion that there is a distinct difference between WAS and WAS with OP. In both cases we should not pursue, but in the case of WAS w/ OP, NOT actively confronting the affair IS pursuing.

Every time we turn a blind eye towards the affair, we in effect condone the behavior. Everytime our S leaves to be with OP, we send the messsage that we accept the behavior.(we all agree, look at what they DO, not what they say)

[mcojh]

8-

I agree on the part about turning a blind eye is pursuing. But how much should a person confront the A? In my case I have told her several times that it is wrong, immoral etc. Harping on it frustrates her and me alike. Our cases differ a little as my W's A is more an EA right now. A PA does need a differant approach.

[81388*]

I think there is a diff between EA and PA. With EA, you are probably best served by just ignoring it and focusing on yourself. You have made it clear that you don't agree w/ what they are doing, leave it at that and work on changing yourself and changing the dynamics of your R.

A PA, especialy an unrepentant PA, is a complete roadblock to any change in R. What I have done til now is make it clear that I don't agree with it, and think it is wrong, and then ignored it. The problem is that by ignoring it, I am sending the message that I accept it and the disrespect that comes with it. I am, in fact showing that I am willing to tolerate any misbehavior in the hopes that she will someday change her mind and choose me over OM.

Talk about a needy unattractive picture. I am saying, in effect, I understand your choice to be unfaithful, and as long as you let me stay close to you I will accept it. Put another way, "please don't leave me, you can even have your affair, and I will be here waiting for you."

With an EA, ignoring it sends the message that you are not worried about the OP, and think you are a more attractive option. I guess the same could be said for PA, but the behavior is just so destructive. If the table was turned, I don't think I would respect someone who just stood by and "accepted" it.

In some respects, asking/telling her to leave is a great big 180, she has been certain, with good reason, that I would never willingly try to get her to leave. That I would tolerate anything rather than risk her leaving.

regardless of the outcome, I would like to maintain some level of respect for her, but the way things are now, if she does not leave, all my respect and concern will. At that point I would think I would file.

We all talk alot about detachment and letting go, I think in my case, it will never be percieved as truely letting go until I make it clear that I would rather she leave, then continue to be involved with OM while living w/ us.

[mcojh]

Well said 8. Heywyre, without changing this into your thread, is/has your H trying to quit the A? That makes a difference. In my sitch, my W has no intention of ending it at this moment. She feels the OM is the one and only. There are so many variables to consider.

[tookher4granted]

8
I agree, she will never find you attractive again enough to want to be with you if she has no respect for you.
Talk about having her cake and eating it to.
I would make a stand, but just make sure that you are ready for her to actually leave.