I just vowed last night that I am giving up all expectations of him - good or bad. I told him it's his choice to end our marriage, not mine and that I am in 100% if he so chooses. Do they ever understand what they will lose?? (church, family, home, life, me)
Besides giving up expectations, also stop taking anything he says personally. For many that's a difficult concept to understand, but if you can get there the negative things he says or does won't hurt so badly. When they are in these relationships it's hard to believe it, but they aren't fully thinking realistically. So try to just smile and "yes" him through the nutty things he says (even if you don't agree!!!). Try to imagine you're humoring a 2-year-old.
As far as being 100% in it if he chooses. Does that mean you support a divorce? Do you really feel that way? I did not support the divorce, but I did fully support my husband's decision to do what would "make him happy." I told him that his happiness was important to me, and if he felt it was elsewhere then I supported that (a little different than supporting divorce), and this I explained in a very positive, supportive way. I think this helped him see me as a friend. My husband had developed (or rather created) some negative images of me and I needed to change that.
Interestingly, when I'd talk about wanting him to be happy and if OW made him happy then that's where he needed to be... well then he really started to wonder what actually would make him happy. Once I agreed then he had nothing to fight against and had to consider just where happiness might be.
Do they understand what they will lose? Sometimes they have to lose it first to realize the value of what they had.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
