An insightful and interesting set of questions, but I think your logic is flawed, the punch to which Hairdog already beat me. To answer you more directly, "How do men and women get past the dating stage?"
A: Hormones run high during the courtship, whereby an HD partner looks HD, but an LD partner also appears HD.
I think we are debating past each other. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hormones at play may DEFEAT the woman's statement "I need a strong R before I give sex." And in my case defeated the statement "I need sex before a strong R." So therefore both statements are not at play and the duo is not a truism at that stage of the game. The point I am trying to make is that while for many of us here, that duo of statements is the sticking point in our marriage, i.e. each person is waiting for the other to make the first move, be vulnerable, etc., I don't believe that the duo of statements was at play in the beginning of our respective R's. Therefore something to consider would be trying to get back to the dating mindset. I don't mean just have "dates" where you go out together alone, etc., try to get back into that mindset. Woo your W in heart and mind, don't just go through the physical motions while harboring emotional resentments. Granted, it takes a LOT of strength to do that in the face of rejection and feelings of entitlement.
OTOH, I agree that the man should not HAVE to court his W all the time. Part of the marriage contract seems to be this feeling of comfort, of being able to relax and not have to be on your A game all the time. But if we are in a situation where the weeds are overgrowing the garden, we need to step back and realize that there is shared responsibility for the garden getting into that state, and a major effort is now needed to repair it. Though, both people must make that effort. If you do all you can and the other person does nothing, it might be time to abandon the plot.
I definitely hope you do not think that I am implying anything about your situation. You may very well have done everything you can humanly do, and still nothing. Only you can truly know if there is more that you could do.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
