Blackfoot, H is definitely not a monster. He's just very extreme and he's been very angry. When he loves you, there's nothing like it. My willingness to be controlled was a complete result of that. I wanted him to love me, all the time. When he's angry or upset, he withdraws and I hate that. So I do what he says. It's a mutual thing.
nod nod nod. I know. hes just a boy, and your just a girl. I know how great it felt for you, but boundaries girl, appropriately projected boundaries, so you can be a great woman, with a great guy. Untill you know where you are in the emotional forest, SIT STILL. Let them run up and down and wash over you, but sit still. back to the sidelines for me Ra Ra sis boom ba.
Do you actively play favorites with or have a favorite offspring? - please be honest. Honesty is the only way to reach a solution.
No. I absolutely, 100% honestly do not have a favorite. I have more latitude with my daughter-H sort of lets me do my thing with her as far as dressing her, putting her to bed, etc. I've felt closer to her as a direct result of my being able to be a Mom to her. With S6, things are just different-mostly because I think H views S6 as a mini version of himself. When I try to mother S6, H views me as trying to control HIM. It's very odd. And S6 is old enough to see that H and I disagree on things and he plays it a little I think. For instance, I prefer him to dress himself when I get him ready in the mornings. When H gets him ready, he'll dress S6 and on a few occasions, S6 has looked over at me and smiled a sly grin. But I honestly love them both the exact same.
Your next question is going to require more thought....I'm pondering it. There's a multitude of reasons, all valid, I just need to think about what they all are, from his perspective.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
When you respond to your H's email remember to thank him for sharing and don't defend yourself against whatever that snipe was about watching only one kid on the beach. It may have merit, may not. The point is - deal with the stuff that has to do with the two of you. The kid stuff he just throws in to give himself a little comfort "I may be a suspicious swine but she x,y,z" just in case he gets disappointed.
Karen, I didn't realize why Nops was asking me about me favoring one child over another until I read what you wrote. LOL, how misunderstandings occur! H was not implicating me by saying I would only concentrate on one child...he was referring to himself. He doesn't want to worry about HIM concentrating too much on one child or the other because I will be watching them both-he wasn't making a dig at me.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Quote: ------------------------------------------ No. I absolutely, 100% honestly do not have a favorite. I have more latitude with my daughter-H sort of lets me do my thing with her as far as dressing her, putting her to bed, etc. I've felt closer to her as a direct result of my being able to be a Mom to her. With S6, things are just different-mostly because I think H views S6 as a mini version of himself. When I try to mother S6, H views me as trying to control HIM. It's very odd. And S6 is old enough to see that H and I disagree on things and he plays it a little I think. For instance, I prefer him to dress himself when I get him ready in the mornings. When H gets him ready, he'll dress S6 and on a few occasions, S6 has looked over at me and smiled a sly grin. But I honestly love them both the exact same. ------------------------------------------
This is something to put on your new relationship list; co-parenting as equals.
Parents really need to present a unified front to their children, even when there is friction in the marriage. In your new relationship, and as much as is practicable now, the two of you need to be certain that you are not using the children as relationship pawns.
I am looking forward to the list.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Blackfoot, H is definitely not a monster. He's just very extreme and he's been very angry. When he loves you, there's nothing like it. My willingness to be controlled was a complete result of that. I wanted him to love me, all the time. When he's angry or upset, he withdraws and I hate that.
If this is true, is it his angry, controlling, negative side that you are really fighting against, or is it the absence of his engulfing type of love, a love that makes you feel like “there’s nothing like it,” that you miss and are fighting to get back (embellishing a little on the “engulfing” part)? The solutions to each of these two issues are different you know. The first is all about him. The second is all about you.
Gosh, what a busy day! Both kids are finally in bed.
Nops, why H might feel like I have had one foot out the door, from his perspective....
I remember once I gave him back my engagement ring. I can't even remember why now or how I began wearing it again, but I remember planning to move in with one of my friends. Right around the time of OM, I was talking about leaving quite a bit. I was actively looking at apartments and I made no secret of it. Then of course, the affair thing happened and I've been back and forth during the two and a half years since. During a conversation once, I told H that I started having thoughts about wanting to get away from him when we first moved out here in 1995. That's what he was referring to when he mentioned that I was looking to move into a sorority house.
I have definitely waffled at times on whether or not I wanted to remain in a R with him and I can see where those times would be strung together in his mind to create a pattern that indicates lack of commitment.
I will post my response to H's second email. I plan to send it out later tonight and if anyone is on this late in the evening, I would love some feedback before I send it.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I think it's both Cobra. When I have his love, the controlling part seems easier to deal with. However, the underlying feeling that he doesn't love me for me still lingers because of the controlling thing. The best illustration I can give you is the Christmas he wouldn't spend with me because I bought a leather coat that he told me he didn't like. Now, WTH kind of love is that, kwim?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
The leather coat seems off the scale, almost irrational. What I read in his email does not sound so irrational, but that he has put a great deal of thought into things. Have you asked him about that Christmas and whether the coat was the true reason he stayed away or whether it was just the final straw in a long list of complaints he might have had (and kept to himself). Going on the Byron Katie idea that Lil posted, can you really know for sure the coat was the reason he stayed away? If not, maybe it would be better to shelve this for a while, KWIM?
