Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

I feel mostly scared. There is so much to resolve. Right now it needs to be about him, I keep telling myself that.

I am absolutely exhausted. The emotional turmoil and the everyday life stuff....D4 was sick this morning so my day started at 5am by cleaning throw up from the floor. Then off the couch. Washing blankets, bringing tissues. Then all of a sudden she was fine. So, she's at school now and I have to try to get some work done. After work, I need to pick up the kids, make dinner and do homework. Then I've somehow got to find the energy to figure out how I want to respond to H's email because right now, I have not had a chance to give it much thought.

I definitely agree that email is best for us right now. I just don't know if he'll continue once he comes home. Right now he's out of town and has plenty of time to think.....both emails he sent were in the wee hours of the morning, 2:30 and 3:30. I'm so hopeful and it scares me because I cannot let myself go back into the life we were living.

Blackfoot, H is definitely not a monster. He's just very extreme and he's been very angry. When he loves you, there's nothing like it. My willingness to be controlled was a complete result of that. I wanted him to love me, all the time. When he's angry or upset, he withdraws and I hate that. So I do what he says. It's a mutual thing.

I'm glad you all have had an opportunity to see my H in a different light. He's got a lot worth fighting for. I'm just struggling with how my feelings fit into this. I don't know.