I am waiting for this thread to lock. It was a transition of sorts. I titled it ‘rebirth’ but as a man I should have know better: I cannot comprehend the birthing process. I did little to rebirth. I started this thread after a major depression and downturn due to my over-focusing on getting my M back during the holidays. I really though Santa would bring me that present. And when I even got my gift to W returned, well I thought I hit bottom and the view from the bottom is not nice. I still had too much invested in the R.
Then my mom got sick and for weeks I waited for her to die. I was at the hospital, I did not get to keep my kids. I slept little, gained some weight. I stopped going to church. I missed much work and my return to self-medicating with bourbon did not help at all. My MIL got worse as well and I learned W went to the ER before Christmas with chest pains. My friends here were all going through hell. Two got their D finalized and the rest of you all seemed worse.
No, the view from the bottom is not nice, especially as I continued to fall.
But after much thought and reflection, I am climbing out of the pit yet again. Maybe it was the cold weather. Maybe it was a note I sent to W saying I will support her no matter what and I will be the man that she and my kids deserve, even if we D. Maybe it was this place, and your words of encouragement. Maybe it was me growing up some and seeing that I need to live again and learn for this experience.
My 89 year-old mom recovering also helped. Yesterday I moved her into a rehab facility in the senior complex where she lives. The rehab is part of the nursing home part of the complex (mom lives in the ‘independent living’ part). She will be there two weeks. She is still weak and feels sick but she is doing much better than her outlook.
The nursing home is very depressing. The facility itself is nice but mom is sharing a room that must be only 12x12 feet or so. Just enough space for a bed and a small chest and chair. A curtain separates the space. Less than 75 sq feet for $150 per day (it is only for two weeks so Medicare pays).
The seniors are all in wheelchairs and many sit with blank stares. Many seem unaware of their surroundings. I hate to say it but modern medicine is too good at times: keeping folks alive without life quality.
One man caught my eye. He was in a corner in a wheelchair, a southern gentleman look about him. He had a great grin on his face but his eyes were elsewhere. In the not too distant future I may be that man. I want my grin to be b/c I had a great and honorable life. I want that grin to be b/c I accomplished what I set out to do. I want that grin to be b/c I found love again and I was there for my kids as their role model. I want that grin to be b/c ‘I did it my way’ as the Sinatra song goes.
Time for a new thread. Thanks all for reading this far.
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I want to re-post what my friend Bill (Bworl) posted on his thread. Very powerful. Soon I intend to rewrite it on my own for my next thread. I am not quite there yet.
Strength and Honor. -----
I am declaring victory today.
No, I did not bust my divorce. I didn't even save my marriage. I managed to do something far, far more significant.
I saved myself.
And don't think me pretentious or boastful please.
You should have seen me in September, October, and November.
Those days are gone, and the man who lived those days is also gone. The insecurities, the dependency, the fear, the self doubt, and the thoughts that life as I knew it had ended...all those destructive and harmful things are finally gone.
I am happy with who I am today. I am at peace inside and no longer find my happiness in my wife or my marriage. I no longer yearn and long for the return of something that was clearly lost. I have found friends who enjoy doing things with me, have shown my boys that I enjoy their time and can be fun to be with, and have stepped up my responsibilities at school. I look to the future with anticipation.
Most significantly I have found hope and a promise for the future. I know now where I am headed and I am thrilled about what lies before me. There is love ahead of me again one day and a life with someone who will value me, cherish me, and complete me and whom I can value, cherish, and complete as well.
She will find a husband who is ready to love from his soul. A man who realizes now that what is important in their relationship is understanding, compassion, and commitment. A man who wants to know his partner, know her needs, share her hopes, and heal her wounds. She will find a husband who wants to protect her and desire her and revel in her.
This will be a life that we should have had the first time. It is a life we WILL have this time. That will be my promise to her.
