Things look so bleak now. I don't really want to resign myself to things being over, but my h has said that he feels it's too late. I've thought that it's been more about him, but he feels it's about him in our marriage. I think he has been ingenuous in our marriage as he didn't stand up for himself and his needs, he has told me he felt too controlled. Apparently, it was everything, but other than feeling controlled, he hasn't specifically said what were the key issues for him. I'll admit I do have my control issues which stem from my own insecurities, but I know that I would have negotiated with him had he shown the courage to assert himself. No one can take away your power without your permission. Then again, some of my expectations weren't unrealistic, but perhaps some of our values are don't line up. As a people pleaser, he's never known how to act from the core sense of who he is, he doesn't have a strong identity and he placated rather than truly engaging with me out of fear of losing me and for his own approval's sake. Rather than learning how to be more authentic in a relationship with me now, he'd rather walk away and start fresh. If only he knew how painful separation and divorce would be. I think it's a huge mistake, but maybe he won't learn and grow until he goes through the pain of separation/divorce, then again, not everyone does grow through these experiences, do they? They just keep repeating patterns of behavior in subsequent relationships. He's admitted that he'll probably regret it in time.
All I can control is whether or not I grow from all of this, and should we not make it, then I will be in a better place to have a healthier relationship with someone else in time. He must be in a lot of pain, midlife crisis or not, and so yeah, regardless of what happens, I will choose love and compassion rather than bitterness and resentment. From my perspective, at the root of why he won't try with me is fear, and perhaps stubborn false pride as well, something which runs rampant in his family unfortunately. It's so ingrained in him. Before I found out about the second affair, he had said "I don't want to lose you". Once the second affair was uncovered, he did a 180, I can only assume it's because he didn't want to have to face up to what he'd done and deal with the pain and hurt he's caused. He told me last night after I said that we had had something special, "I messed it up". I told him it wasn't too late but that's when he said, "I think it is".
I feel desperate some days. I have nothing to fall back on financially as I've been a homemaker/stay-at-home mom for the past eight years and have been rendered dependent on him for financial support (yes, I was naive to believe that I could trust him to always be there for me). I will have to go back to school to make something of myself, which will probably mean I will end up moving back home to have my support network around me to help care for my children. I don't want to move away and compromise my girls' relationship with their dad, but his job doesn't guarantee that he can always be there to take care of them if I'm going to school and besides, there is nothing for me here if he walks away from the marriage. It's a small military community. My options for schooling here are limited and it would take much longer for me to complete certification or a degree here than if I were to move back home.
I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now, because moving back home will bring with it some real struggles too. It would mean a big downgrade in our standard of living for a time, and I would have to rely on student loans to help pay for my schooling. I feel so overwhelmed and fatigued. I am trying to chunk it down and move in a healthy direction for myself and my kids. He's had years to get himself to the point where he's now at; I've only had months, but it seems he expects me to accept that it's a done deal.
I can continue to follow the divorce busting principles and hope in time that he'll realize that grass isn't greener, but I do need to protect myself financially, for mine, and my children's sakes.
I am on sleeping meds. I didn't want to take anything, but I do need my rest and insomnia has been a recurring problem since November.
I do laugh sometimes, even at the situation at hand, (black humor). I am trying to spend some time with my friends, and doing more fun things with my girls as well. Some days are better than others. Yesterday and today I'm not doing so well. For those of you of faith, keep me in prayer, thanks. lostinconfusion
