Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

I got my reply. And it seems there is a) still hope and b) another chance to communicate. Here it is.

So where does that leave me.....

You say that I am Me all the time, but I do not feel that is true. I feel that throughout the years and "incidents" I have become less and less of myself. When I think back, I believe that I was truly "myself" when I was writing those letters from a ship floating around Japan. But now, looking back, I know that you were already in your perpetual state of "I need to get away from this relationship". I think in the back of your mind you were always looking to escape "us". How do you think that makes me feel? I sometimes wonder that when I asked you to marry me that I was lucky I caught you in the right mood.

I have turned into a suspicious swine. When I mentioned that your Karate group had "boyfriend potential" you had a look of shock on your face. But after all that has happened, why would I leave myself open to that horror again? It seems that you think that it is my responsibility to reestablish my trust in you. But from my perspective, shouldn’t you be doing everything in your power to gain my trust back? Instead you look for reasons that you shouldn’t trust me. I am getting off the suspicious swine topic though. When I read your email I automatically go on the defensive and question what you write. I read and integrate everything you say with a sense of doubt. "If you think you would be willing to work with me" becomes "what does she want me to do for her now". Does that mean that you want me to go back to counseling? I hope you know that counseling was a very difficult thing for me to do. And I did it with the mindset that it was a "sacred" thing and I would be honest and forthright throughout. I know you don't understand, and neither did she, but when you met with her when I couldn't be there, it made it difficult to continue. But I did. I base a lot of stuff contingent on how I think, and I know you’re not privy to that information, but counseling was contingent on our commitment to our marriage. When you disappeared for that night, it proved to me that you were not committed. That perceived lack of commitment doesn't just disappear because you want it to. That is where we keep running into major problems. Just because you want to be trusted or want to me to believe you are committed to me and our marriage does not mean that my feelings change to adapt to you desires.

I read over this email, and I have only touched on a tenth of the things I wanted to touch on but the length is getting unwieldy, so I am going to sign off. So I will leave you with a few more "I wants" that I have thought of since yesterday:

I want our kids to have a vaction on a beach were I don't need to worry that I am concentrating to much on one, because their mother is attentively watching both.

I want our children to experience the best of all the best places that my work sends me on. When I am on these trips, I constantly think about what we would do as a family if we were all here.

I have never given up on us. I know from your point of view it seems that I have. But I have always pictured my future with you in it.