As always, I don't know how to link this to my previous posts in Newcomers 'need some help now with separation'. I've been thinking about whether I should move and I have found the advice on this Forum pertinent to my situation more than on any of the others. So here I am, if you'll have me.
A brief resume Me 43 W 42 D4 Together 17 years, friends for 20. End September got the ILYBINILWY speech etc. W wanted to have fun, party more, wanted 'boyfriends' but not a serious relationship. Wanted her life at home with me and D to be 'central', everything else to be 'additional' to that. 7 weeks later told me she was going to start seeing an ex colleague which she did once a week. Became physical. 2 months of torture with her still at home but staying out all night with him once a week. W became hardened though in her own words 'consumed by guilt' and just said it was all about her needs, finding her happiness etc. Mid Jan I could stand it no longer and asked her to go.
She is still seeing OM and has been living with him for the past 3 weeks while she waits for the keys to a rented flat. I have seen her on a few occasions when she's come to see D, who, thank God, is with me. I have really struggled at times but am healing.I have been working very hard on being a better, happier person. I don't really have any hope of her coming back but would like to stay on here so I have a better understanding of what's happening.
Why do I think it's MLC? Her age, obviously Her desire to party, party, party. OM is much more of a party animal than me, is a big drinker like her, nice enough guy but somewhat irresponsible Her very low self esteem which she acknowledges but has never done anything about I'm pretty sure she's depressed as she has many of the signs Her general attitude of 'me, me, me'. This week she has behaved like a teenager, pleasant when she wants something, sulking and trying to renegotiate boundaries when she doesn't get her own way.
However, on the whole she hasn't been really unpleasant, just cold unless she wants something from me.
One question: Why "don't [you] really have any hope of her coming back? It's great to come here so you can help understand what's happening. But why no Hope...do you WANT reconciliation soemday? You can learn and possibly come to understand what is happening mentall and emotionally AND look toward reconciliation in the future...many return, many don't. But many LBS's do not open themselves up for a retrun because they are the type who won't ever put up with that or trust again OR...the more common...because they feel there is no Hope.
RCR is right, there is always hope. I know that I tend to say there is no hope for my sitch (H wanting D and very resolved, not to change his mind etc.), but the bottom line is I'm afraid to hope outloud. It makes me feel vulnerable. So how about you?
Thanks RCR. You are one of the very vets that I hoped would drop in!
I think I have found it so hard to detach in general that losing hope (or at least telling myself that I have) has helped me to do that better over the last week or so. But there is still a door left ajar in my mind, so I guess that counts as hope?? I think too that if it is MLC I might have a bit more hope than if she's just WAW as there might be a pattern to it which I could track (the analyst in me). And if she came back tonight and said she'd made a mistake I would tak her back, so maybe that's hope too. (BTW I DO know she isn't going to do that!). Thanks for your comments.
JBF, welcome to your new home. Looks like you've made a lot of friends here already.
I think you've read the advise I've been given on detachment. I think it was Smurf who said that the flame maybe out (stop loving the WAW/MLCer) but leave a pilot light on. And others have chimed in that detachment is more about not letting others affect the way you view yourself. You are a good, worthwhile, worthy person because you know you are, not because your W or anyone else validates it.
In a way it does really help to think or know that the WAW is in MLC. It's nice to understand and have it explained. It's nice to think it's not us, but them. We didn't fail, they have a disease. And it's not a bad way to look at it. In many important ways, I think, it really isn't about them - it's about us learning and developing. Learning to be more independent, in control, letting go of what we can't control, not taking things or others for granted, internalizing our motivation and sense of self. For them, they aren't really out to hurt us (I don't think). They are so self centered and are on their own journey.
That's what's so unfair to the children. They need unselfish parents. While our W's go explore, we need to be there for the kids even as we are learning to focus on ourselves too. Maybe there is a huge lesson here that we can pass on to our kids about self, maturity, and strength. It's nice to think that something good can come of this, even for our kids.
But maybe to get to that stage, we need to go through anger, feel the door closing, maybe even hate a little. We are human after all, and have been really hurt. Maybe we need to find healthy, non damaging ways to express the hurt and anger, then we can move on.
I think of myself as very analytical too. But I think one thing this is teaching me is just how powerful the irrational is - illogical feelings over logic, powerful subconscious forces that have more control and affect then thought and logic. I think we need to accept these forces and learn to ride that wave without being drowned. Fighting against it just sweeps you farther out to sea.
One last thought for this post. Is this kind of sitch that we all find ourselves in like a hurricane. You build a house near the coast, live happily for years, and then BAM, it's all swept away. It's really no ones fault, it just happened. You rebuild, but this time you're smarter and you build on higher ground. Hurricanes happen. You may curse your fate for awhile, and mourn the loss of your house and possessions, but then you clean up and rebuild. Good or silly analogy?
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Learning to be more independent, in control, letting go of what we can't control, not taking things or others for granted, internalizing our motivation and sense of self. For them, they aren't really out to hurt us (I don't think). They are so self centered and are on their own journey.
Spot on LiN. All of those things I have needed to learn to grow as a human being. And your analogy makes sense if we do learn from all of this trauma.
I see what you are doing with Hope, it is not a bad thing. I think Hope is actually not a terribly good thing here, unless you can limit your expectations AND still have Hope...which I found impossible. Faith however...I have Faith in my wife and I, faith that we we be better people for this, even if we are no longer together.
Put the bad days and things that happen behind you, that is the past, it was yesterday or an hour ago.
However,
You will have to do this with the good things as well.
Do not dwell on either the bad or the good, mourn the bad and move on, enjoy the good and move on, the good...you can always have pleasant memories of, but do not get expecations from them.
How are you doing for yourself, and what are you doing for yourself and your D to PMA and GAL (positive mental attitude) and (Get a Life)...yeah silly but everyone uses them.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you Jack (love your descriptive writing on your own threads BTW). Unfortunately I do feel rather comfortable here.
Bit angry today. D had me up 6 times in the night with bad dreams, poor soul. She has been having nightmares for a few nights now (classic abandonment ones-hardly surprising). W came round to see her last night and although I obviously can't be sure, I think that's unsettled her further. Another consequence on a 3 year old innocent, I fear. I will have a good cry to my C about it this afternoon.
I wasn't at home when W came as I was at work late. My mum said W was subdued and seemed sad. Don't know why and in a way it doesn't matter, but so much for a happy life.
Re:GALing. I have lots planned for this weekend with D and friends. Should be good for the PMA.
