Last night went to movies with H. I asked him and he agreed. It was okay and H even shared some of his memories from going to the movies with his friends.
Today was a very bad day. Mainly my own doing. Major backsliding on my part.
I got home from school and noticed H had left his lab top and personal stuff on the couch. I did't think of snooping right away but the thought came to me a while later and I didn't fight off the temptation. I found a picture of him and one of his female co-workers. They were on a ride together and held hands on what seemed like a drop during the ride. He looked genuinely happy. The next thing I wished I hadn't done. I called him up and asked if he wanted to tell me besides gambling and such while he was on his business trip, what else did he do. He was upset and said he didn't have to tell me. He told me he has already told me I needed to move on and what he does was not to concern me. Since I already began I didn't stop myself and called him several more times. Each time he picked up and we talked, the conversation got worse and worse. He told me I should move out. The last conversation ended when he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I refrain myself from calling him. I put DD to sleep for her nap and took a nap myself to prepare for my graveyard shift. He got home before I got up. I called him and asked him if we could talk. He came in the bedroom and we talked. He made it clear we would never get back together. He said he didn't want to embarrass me by throwing me out. He said that because during our conversation over the phone I told him that was the only way he was going to have me leave. He told me if I move out now, he will give DD to me after that because he will be able to have her for a year. If I stay then when I move out at the end of the year, I would not be able to see DD afterwards. I told him he is asking too much. I will not make such a decision and he should not be making me. Should I just find a place and move out now? I would not be able to see DD as much as I like. I would miss her too much. I feel like he can be geniunely happy without me. He made it clear he did not want me in any part of his life, not as a friend. H was nice to me again during dinner, but that may just be because his family was there.
