I've been following your sitch from the sideline, and agree that you're better off in this forum. The truth is that after dwelling in the newcomer forums for a while, you realize that there is a lot of "blind leading the blind" going on. And when you encounter a new type of crisis, it makes sense to request assistance from personel with experience in that type of sitch.
Our sitch's are similar. My W dropped the bomb back in the summer of '04. It was during her vacation trip overseas. During the proceeding months, she searched for an apartment, stopped having intimacy with me, retained an attorney, and had me served.
I, too, had my suspicions that she was not being completely honest with me. And I had also noticed that, since returning from her trip, she was looking for an excuse to go back to her country, where she had previously vacationed. A few months later - around Christmas time - her grandmother became gravely ill, and so she went back. In the midts of our marital dilemna, I accepted that she needed to go be with her grandma. (Actually, I didn't have much choice or say in the matter). I did, however, naively request that we "pause" our sitch until she returned.
Anyhow, she returned more determined than ever to separate from me. And during our 2nd marriage counseling session, she got the "Christian" couselor to side with her and announce that I needed to accept my W's decision to separate. I have to admit that I didn't take it too well. Or better put: I reacted pathetically! I wish I had found this forum back then. And though I did get emotional support from the newcomers, what I needed was experienced input.
It was during my web searches on topics of divorce, child custody/support, father's rights that I came across websites/e-books devoted to stopping divorces. One of those publications eventually led me to this DB website. I regained hope in that I realized that all was not set and done. And that I didn't have to surrender to divorce. I set out to fight for my marriage -ready to tap into any resource necessary. I did a lot of reading, understood what was going on, and most importantly, realized that something could be done about it.
I also used electronics, and uncovered the fact that she was involved in an EA with (though I'm pretty sure that it didn't get physical). I confronted her with this info - I never really led on that I had hard evidence - and she denied it, but at the same time testing to see what I knew, and how I new it..... The OM was a chilhood sweetheart, and the R was in a developmental stage. I eventually realized that the OM was not my primary adversary.
I was able to - with the help of various sources - Bust My Divorce. But not until I learned valuable lessons. And that is the primary reason for my post. I disagree that you should "trust your intuition". I've been through your ordeal, and I can attest that your current state mind is not that reliable. You are most likely not sleeping right or eating well. That plus the fact that you're entire world has turned upside down, is reason to understand that your emotions can play havoc on your mind.
Right now you're probably exxagerating the bad and jumping to conclusions all over the place. And that's understandable. However, if you have taken stock and decided that you want to defend your marriage, then you need to rely on reason and not on your feelings/intuition. Learn from our mistakes:
-Don't be needy. -Don't pursue. -Become that attractive, positive, happy, even cocky guy that enamored your wife to begin. -Don't be always available to her. -Go out and do something that you like. -Enjoy friends - even if they're girls. I now you probably don't feel like doing that right now, but that is the prescription that's required to regain the confidence that's necessary to achieve your objective.
Just last night, before we went to sleep - after 2 1/2 years since D-day - my W thanked me for fighting for our marriage. She proceeded to tell me that she doesn't know how to explain it, but that she was falling in love with me like when when first started dating. Then we fell asleep in each other's arms, but not until we ................................... like when we used to date. Don't get me wrong, we've had our ups and downs along the way. But after you learn correct info about relationships, then just like you can Bust your D, you can also learn how to nurture a happy R.
I wish you the best and will provide a list of the resources I found helpful in getting me to this point.
