Afterall....This IS my Life III

[Corri]

Cobra:

Kiss my azz. You could just say 'thank you.'

Ahem.

Corri, from one who has learned that a simple 'thank you' can be powerful words, indeed.

[Cobra]

Corri,

I'm not ready to graduate to that level yet. I still like thowing up my shields from time to time. Besides, I might have to show that I appreciate your comment. OTOH I wouldn't have that great visual you just gave me of kissing your ass!

[NewJourney]

Heather... Wowsers. I still have my fingers crossed for you. If you get the chance, pick up Dr. Laura's book, " The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." I'm reading it now, and I think you'll get something out of it.

[heatherg]

Thank you so much-all of you. Each of you was such a tremendous comfort to me today!! I am truly, truly grateful.

Nops, your calm, gentle and certain approach to what I need to do is just what I need. THANK YOU.

Cobra, I about fell off my chair. Thanks man BTW, I edited to say "I know my lack of commitment has caused you pain over the years and I'm really sorry. You have so many great qualities and you deserve to be loved for who you are. Despite the pain you've felt, you always respected yourself and overall, you handled it remarkably well. You are you all the time, even when it's hard and I respect you immensely for that".

I sent the email. I feel really good about what I said, I feel like I was able to convey my feelings. I am trying not to get my hopes up, to keep myself in check. Right now, I am still on the path to separation and I can't set myself up for heartbreak. But you know what? I think it's too late. As often as I've told myself today that I can't get my hopes up, I can't seem to keep it stuffed. I am extremely anxious....I am very absent minded today and I barely got anything done at work.

It's definitely too late not to get my hopes up though. If I don't get a response, I really will be crushed. Again.

For right now, I'm just going to be grateful for the opportunity I had to communicate with him openly and honestly regardless of the outcome.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Heather.

Quote:
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I'm just going to be grateful for the opportunity I had to communicate with him openly and honestly regardless of the outcome.
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That is a healthy attitude. Well done!!

-NOPkins-

[heatherg]

I got my reply. And it seems there is a) still hope and b) another chance to communicate. Here it is.

So where does that leave me.....

You say that I am Me all the time, but I do not feel that is true. I feel that throughout the years and "incidents" I have become less and less of myself. When I think back, I believe that I was truly "myself" when I was writing those letters from a ship floating around Japan. But now, looking back, I know that you were already in your perpetual state of "I need to get away from this relationship". I think in the back of your mind you were always looking to escape "us". How do you think that makes me feel? I sometimes wonder that when I asked you to marry me that I was lucky I caught you in the right mood.

I have turned into a suspicious swine. When I mentioned that your Karate group had "boyfriend potential" you had a look of shock on your face. But after all that has happened, why would I leave myself open to that horror again? It seems that you think that it is my responsibility to reestablish my trust in you. But from my perspective, shouldn’t you be doing everything in your power to gain my trust back? Instead you look for reasons that you shouldn’t trust me. I am getting off the suspicious swine topic though. When I read your email I automatically go on the defensive and question what you write. I read and integrate everything you say with a sense of doubt. "If you think you would be willing to work with me" becomes "what does she want me to do for her now". Does that mean that you want me to go back to counseling? I hope you know that counseling was a very difficult thing for me to do. And I did it with the mindset that it was a "sacred" thing and I would be honest and forthright throughout. I know you don't understand, and neither did she, but when you met with her when I couldn't be there, it made it difficult to continue. But I did. I base a lot of stuff contingent on how I think, and I know you’re not privy to that information, but counseling was contingent on our commitment to our marriage. When you disappeared for that night, it proved to me that you were not committed. That perceived lack of commitment doesn't just disappear because you want it to. That is where we keep running into major problems. Just because you want to be trusted or want to me to believe you are committed to me and our marriage does not mean that my feelings change to adapt to you desires.

I read over this email, and I have only touched on a tenth of the things I wanted to touch on but the length is getting unwieldy, so I am going to sign off. So I will leave you with a few more "I wants" that I have thought of since yesterday:

I want our kids to have a vaction on a beach were I don't need to worry that I am concentrating to much on one, because their mother is attentively watching both.

I want our children to experience the best of all the best places that my work sends me on. When I am on these trips, I constantly think about what we would do as a family if we were all here.

I have never given up on us. I know from your point of view it seems that I have. But I have always pictured my future with you in it.

[blackfoot]

NOPkins,

I believe that Mr.G is able to (ahem) maintain his composure by holding his anger at the forefront of his mind. I know how this makes him appear to the general audience, when interacting in person, especially when related from Heather perspective, but its now obvious that he is not the monster he appeared. I knew Heather wasnt stupid.

I wanted to ask if it might not be a good idea for heather and Mr.G to continue communicating and their dialouge thru email rather then face to face, for awhile, as then he doesnt have to struggle with express himself verbally while continuing to maintain his composure, and she doesnt have to worry about his every naunce and gesture.

I remember Mrs.Nop was able to understand you after reading your words here, and HP did the same with Mr.H.
It was significant for x too.
I know its still avoidance, but maybe some babysteps?

Heather. Good stuff from H. Its ok to be scared, and good to maintain some protective skepticism. Be honest with your H in the same manner as you are here with us.

[Corri]

Heather:

I think this is all very good. Very, very good. And I think your H is a good writer, too. I think he is being very clear, and I think he is actually trying to not to do the 'blame' game stuff. He's opening up to you, and telling you how he feels.

Dam, girl... wow.

I agree with Blackfoot... maybe these convos between you should stay in email form for a time... you are getting a lot of very good information.

How do you feel about what he has said?

Corri

[NOPkins]

Hi, Heather.

That's a good response from your husband, and as bf said, an email exchange may be a good format for a while. Ultimately (soon), the two of you have to be able to talk face to face without blowing a gasket.

If there is one thing we as a collective group have learned, it's that there are two sides to every story.

So, let's start with a couple of questions.

1) Do you actively play favorites with or have a favorite offspring? - please be honest. Honesty is the only way to reach a solution.

2) Please list out reasons why YOUR HUSBAND, not you, would perceive you as always having a foot out of the door.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[heatherg]

I feel mostly scared. There is so much to resolve. Right now it needs to be about him, I keep telling myself that.

I am absolutely exhausted. The emotional turmoil and the everyday life stuff....D4 was sick this morning so my day started at 5am by cleaning throw up from the floor. Then off the couch. Washing blankets, bringing tissues. Then all of a sudden she was fine. So, she's at school now and I have to try to get some work done. After work, I need to pick up the kids, make dinner and do homework. Then I've somehow got to find the energy to figure out how I want to respond to H's email because right now, I have not had a chance to give it much thought.

I definitely agree that email is best for us right now. I just don't know if he'll continue once he comes home. Right now he's out of town and has plenty of time to think.....both emails he sent were in the wee hours of the morning, 2:30 and 3:30. I'm so hopeful and it scares me because I cannot let myself go back into the life we were living.

Blackfoot, H is definitely not a monster. He's just very extreme and he's been very angry. When he loves you, there's nothing like it. My willingness to be controlled was a complete result of that. I wanted him to love me, all the time. When he's angry or upset, he withdraws and I hate that. So I do what he says. It's a mutual thing.

I'm glad you all have had an opportunity to see my H in a different light. He's got a lot worth fighting for. I'm just struggling with how my feelings fit into this. I don't know.