Same ol', same ol'

[toughlover]

It's amazing to me how many people come and go around here...and how many remain.

For those of you remember me, I thought I'd post an update on how things are going.

As the title indicates...not much seems better OR worse as we head into 9 months post-bomb.

Here's what I've learned since July:

1. God rewards obedience.
2. Things CAN get better than you ever thought possible.
3. It's worth it.
4. Infidelity is easier to forgive than lying, scheming, and other malicious things.

5. Even when you get over most of that stuff...and if you're lucky...you're simply left with a marriage and, as we know, it's still hard work...which is only just beginning once you're able to begin putting the past behind you because the relationship is still in its infancy.

6. I can honestly say that I'm proud that we've managed to hold things together and are committed to our marriage and our family. I personally feel much better than I have in years, but that has very little to do with my W. In fact, I've found that I really prefer to not be around her most of the time now (for those of you who've been in on my sitch from the beginning, that's pretty wild!).

7. My W's level of affection and interest in the physical side of things has remained steady but hasn't grown much since I was last active around here in November.

8. Frankly, I've really had to GAL because, well, there's a certain amount of peace in our M but not much joy, spontaneity, or true closeness. My W and I are pretty good friends but she doesn't seem to be real excited or proud that I'm her husband.

9. In fairness, my enthusiasm has really waned as well. As some of you may recall, I was very excited about helping her out and also doing special things for her and dating her again back in the fall. As Christmas neared, that sort of rose and fell. For the last couple of months I haven't really cared much one way or another.

10. I have no doubt that I did the right thing by doing my part to save my marriage. I don't think I would be any happier if we had D'd, and would probably feel even worse knowing that I failed my children.

However, aside from all the positives, I remain unaffected by her comfort or companionship. I almost feel above and beyond it, and that scares me a little, as does the deep and abiding sadness that I struggle with daily. After the physical danger she put me in through her adultery, all the lies and schemes, the distance between us remains largely unbridged. I think that people who look for super mind-blowing sex and emotional fulfillment in marriage, and other romantic stuff, are barking up the wrong tree...but I do wish I were married to someone who I knew I could trust to keep my best interests at heart...who respected me enough to at least be honest with me.

I know that all must sound bleak. Sorry. It's really not THAT bad as the Lord has sustained me and continues to sustain me, and I DO have joy in many things right now, particularly my children, my job, and the things I do at church...just not in my marriage.

I'm happy to be where I am now...as opposed to where we were at this time last year. I prefer knowing the score even if it's not to my liking.

So, anyhow, we're still plugging away though I confess the thought of doing nothing but "plugging away" the rest of my life isn't too appealing.