Same ol', same ol'

[toughlover]

It's amazing to me how many people come and go around here...and how many remain.

For those of you remember me, I thought I'd post an update on how things are going.

As the title indicates...not much seems better OR worse as we head into 9 months post-bomb.

Here's what I've learned since July:

1. God rewards obedience.
2. Things CAN get better than you ever thought possible.
3. It's worth it.
4. Infidelity is easier to forgive than lying, scheming, and other malicious things.

5. Even when you get over most of that stuff...and if you're lucky...you're simply left with a marriage and, as we know, it's still hard work...which is only just beginning once you're able to begin putting the past behind you because the relationship is still in its infancy.

6. I can honestly say that I'm proud that we've managed to hold things together and are committed to our marriage and our family. I personally feel much better than I have in years, but that has very little to do with my W. In fact, I've found that I really prefer to not be around her most of the time now (for those of you who've been in on my sitch from the beginning, that's pretty wild!).

7. My W's level of affection and interest in the physical side of things has remained steady but hasn't grown much since I was last active around here in November.

8. Frankly, I've really had to GAL because, well, there's a certain amount of peace in our M but not much joy, spontaneity, or true closeness. My W and I are pretty good friends but she doesn't seem to be real excited or proud that I'm her husband.

9. In fairness, my enthusiasm has really waned as well. As some of you may recall, I was very excited about helping her out and also doing special things for her and dating her again back in the fall. As Christmas neared, that sort of rose and fell. For the last couple of months I haven't really cared much one way or another.

10. I have no doubt that I did the right thing by doing my part to save my marriage. I don't think I would be any happier if we had D'd, and would probably feel even worse knowing that I failed my children.

However, aside from all the positives, I remain unaffected by her comfort or companionship. I almost feel above and beyond it, and that scares me a little, as does the deep and abiding sadness that I struggle with daily. After the physical danger she put me in through her adultery, all the lies and schemes, the distance between us remains largely unbridged. I think that people who look for super mind-blowing sex and emotional fulfillment in marriage, and other romantic stuff, are barking up the wrong tree...but I do wish I were married to someone who I knew I could trust to keep my best interests at heart...who respected me enough to at least be honest with me.

I know that all must sound bleak. Sorry. It's really not THAT bad as the Lord has sustained me and continues to sustain me, and I DO have joy in many things right now, particularly my children, my job, and the things I do at church...just not in my marriage.

I'm happy to be where I am now...as opposed to where we were at this time last year. I prefer knowing the score even if it's not to my liking.

So, anyhow, we're still plugging away though I confess the thought of doing nothing but "plugging away" the rest of my life isn't too appealing.

[Aud31]

"I do wish I were married to someone who I knew I could trust to keep my best interests at heart...who respected me enough to at least be honest with me."

Ditto. In many ways, I am still shocked that my H really did what he did. In a relationship talk I listened to not long ago, the presenter said that there is a big difference between love and trust. You can love without trusting.

You are doing a great job. Thanks for the update.

[runningoutoftime]

Hey TL,

Nice to see your name again. Aud, the whole love and trust issue are interesting to think about. You hear that "good" marriages require trust, but if that's been broken multiple times (either multiple affairs or lots of lies told thoughout and after the affair, and then add in the little white lies throughout a marriage) you basically have been conditioned not to trust. I don't think it would be part of human nature to fully trust once the big lie(s) are revealed.

But does it mean you can't have a "good enough" marriage in spite of holding onto some doubt (wouldn't not having doubt be like an ostrich putting his head in the sand?)

TL, I can fully relate to you that the idea of "plugging away" the rest of your life doesn't sound appealing... however I don't think you need to look at it that way. Enjoy your kids, wait until they are 18 and starting to fly out of the nest and evaluate your marriage then. You'll have raised your kids and won't lose that important bond (which DOES get lost when you don't live with your kids, raise them, and see them every day!!!). You won't have to deal with the mess of dating women who may not be crazy about your kids and resent the time you spend with them. Gosh, I could come up with lots more negatives...

But eventually your life will be more your own. Your kids won't need you so much. Hopefully your wife will grow and realize things and maybe by then you'll have more closeness. And then, maybe not? Although maybe it will be comfortable and the friendship will be enough??? Who can tell. Just keep GALing! There are other ways to get needs met (and I don't mean affairs!!!).

[Mamabear]

Hi TL,
You were definitely missed. I am sorry that you feel that you are settling and just plugging along. You know, life is what you make of it. I saw many little positives in your post. You need to have an attitude of gratitude. Yes, your W hurt you. Forgive her, forgive yourself and let it go. Realize that only good things can now come your way. If you cannot let go of the past, you have no room in your heart for the future.

Treat everyone in your life with unconditional love. Wish for health, wealth and properity. Just be happy; live in your bliss.
You have the power to make your relationship the way you want it to be. Take risks, be crazy.

On a side note, a lot of people here can use your wisdom. If you can, check out Sol in Piecing. Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your story with us. Take care, Mama

[cat03]

==================
8. Frankly, I've really had to GAL because, well, there's a certain amount of peace in our M but not much joy, spontaneity, or true closeness. My W and I are pretty good friends but she doesn't seem to be real excited or proud that I'm her husband.
================
My H would be MAJORLY screwed if he wouldnt' be back, he messed up his live so bad (asides from living on pb&j sandwiches for 7mths) that I would think he'd at least be thankful for the life we have now, for the fact that he gets to see our little d come to our bed and play w/us... but , alas! nope.

And if that's the way it is going to be, then fine, I'M proud I got my family back, so should you, we worked out @sses off and God has been w/us every inch. If you are lacking something in your M, BRING IT ON! as they say, if you want something done right...

Above all, remember, love like you havent been hurt before.

Missed you big time))))) glad to see your "face" again!

[SvenTheRed]

TL,

Good to see you again -

Good stuff - I think and amazing how I think we become very analytical of things going on in our R. Sometimes black and white to the complacency we applied to it perhaps for years. And I think a "danger" of GAL is that we become self assured in our own existance. And we need to become the leader - and always lead which can be tiring - almost as if it is another full time job.

But, we define our strength and integrity and our happiness and it seems like you are working through that (as am I).

Sven

[believing_isaiah43]

TL, I have also missed you a lot and am so glad you checked in with an update.

You are so insightful, and I am envious of your ability to have engaged your W in an Action Plan that helped you both move faster at Piecing than you would have without it. (trust me, I'm the other example!)

Suffering some nerve damage from car accident this week, so limiting my typing but not my lurking, so please keep us posted. I am grateful that you didn't leave us entirely!

[LoginName]

TL,
So glad in a way to see you back. It would be great if you were so happy that you had no time to spend here, except maybe to help others.

I'm Kirby, and you took me under your care and really helped me. I've missed you and your advice, but probably needed to be weened a bit too.

My W is still living with me, and it's still a struggle, but I feel I'm getting stronger overtime. As for the issue you face, maybe it's common. I know I don't want to go back to the passionless, roommate type R I had, and neither does my W. (although much of the time I would agree to any type of R, just to have her really back - although I know the same issues would probably drive us apart again - maybe after the kids leave the house).

Anyway. If you find a way to beat this trap, please, let us all know. If I may be so bold to suggest some things, maybe the issues are pride (we fought for our M, we are the good ones), anger (she owes me now), resentment (she made me give up so many things and do so many things I didn't want to do, is it worth it) fear and trust(she could do it again, how can I trust) and the list goes on. I think we are all human and have to have some of these feelings and thoughts. Maybe these stand in the way of intimacy and passion.

In my case, my wife and I started living as good roommates a long time ago, the A and WAW and MLC (?) may be secondary to that issue. We don't want to go back to that kind of life. The trick is, I want us both to commit to our relationship and then work on the intimacy and passion, while she doesn't know if she wants to even work on it.

I've got to believe that none of us have to 'settle' and accept the lack of passion. Sure, we're not teenagers and not infatuated. Love, mature love is different. But we want, need, deserve, more in a relationship than a kind friend.

I'm eager to try to build a great R with my W, and hope I get the chance. Thanks to you and others, I can survive and be happy even if I don't get the chance. I think I could work on the passion part for years if need be, although not forever. So again, if I maybe so bold, maybe patience is the answer. Maybe after a couple of years of being friends again, some counseling, some GAL and soul searching, the intimacy and passion and trust comes back. Don't give up hope for the kind of R you, and I'm guessing your W, want.

Your kids are OK? Is the herpes scare over or manageable (did I remember that right?)? Have you been able to manage your anger about that?

Good luck, glad to see you're back.

[toughlover]

Hey, thanks y'all...I've missed y'all too and still lurk occasionally but haven't really been posting cause there's nothing much new to report, as I mentioned.

I've also felt like I don't have anything new to add to anyone else's stuff that hasn't already been said.

cat, root, mama, bi43, Aud...I can't tell you how much I miss the gentle insight and encouragement you ladies have so generously shared with me in the past. Meant a lot and still means a lot, and I think of you often.

Sven, you are so right about what you said. Wish I did a better job of it all.

Kirb...dude, you will be blessed from hanging in there no matter what happens as long as you keep your wits about you.

Yes the kids are good. The little one definitely has oral herpes (cold sores) and it was most likely passed to him by my wife or I as a result of her infidelity.

In light of all that, it's hard to get excited (in every sense of the word) about my M. I have great joy, comfort, and peace in knowing that, as much as it is in my power to control, we are all under one roof, my W appears to be committed to our M and family in perhaps a way she never was before. So I'm thankful for that as well, for the kids' sake.

I guess I'm not so much dreading a passionless marriage as I am dreading looking at my W every day and primarily feeling nothing but disappointment. My W seems to have this habit of destructive, ridiculous behavior that she repeats until she marginalizes herself to such an extreme that the situation just sort of spins out of control and she is left with a mess and at the mercy of those around her. She had done this sort of thing before we were married but I was convinced she'd learned her lessons. Guess I was wrong.

I didn't make it easy on her, Lord knows. But when we made things really tough, I went to work fixing things and she just bailed. Now here we are.

I spent most of last fall hurting over the fact that she wasn't attracted to me anymore. But looking back over my posts from then, where I was often struggling with conflicting feelings and attitudes for her, I see I've been falling away from her over all this time.

Valentines Day was sort of the peak of all this. I didn't want to celebrate it at all cause, well, face it, most guys think it's a silly holiday anyway, but particularly when everyone is just going through the motions. I gave her roses anyhow, but it didn't mean anything to me. I gave them because it was the 14th just like I take out the trash on Tuesdays. That's pretty sad.

I didn't tell her any of that, of course.

No, I'm still bucking for husband and father of the year. Outwardly I try and be as pleasant and encouraging as possible.

Inwardly, and nobody knows this but the people who read this post, I have no intention of trusting her again any time soon. She seems to be very serious and sincere about her relationship with God, and for that I'm thankful because, well, that's what (in my opinion) we all need the most.

I've seen, though, that many of my difficulties in years past have been tied to the subtle conflict between her and I. I've had to get above and beyond that without intentionally alienating her or "punishing" her. In the past that made me less available for my sons and less "present" when I was with them...always too distracted, wondering about what was really going on and why my efforts to improve my M were always ignored.

Maybe it's different for others. For me, there is no magic. Remember that, Kirby. It all boils down to my own personal choice to honor my commitment or not despite the honor, or lack thereof, in those around me. In the end, I know that's what's best for me and my children, and even my W whether she accepts me or not, simply because it's what is right.

Well, my friends, sorry to pop in after all this time and pontificate so much, it's just what's on my heart these days.

I hate to make this such a defining point of my life but I think if my W ever did leave, I don't think I could ever marry or get close to anyone again unless they'd been betrayed to the extent I feel like I have, because I don't think I could trust anyone who hadn't been through this, felt the pain of it, and would do just about anything in their power to avoid it.

Anyhow, thanks for the well wishes everyone and I'll pop in again soon.

[LoginName]

I have no intention of trusting her again any time soon.

How can we ever? My case is a little different, since I had an A too (and no matter how I justify to myself that mine was different somehow because I broke it off, and didn't leave the family, like my W did, I still broke a sacred trust). I know I am trustworthy now. I know there is no way I could do that again. I can see myself divorcing, but never breaking those vows again. So if I can trust me, why can't I trust her? Because I want the M to work, and I love her, and she doesn't know what she wants yet. Becuase I can't read her mind or really know her heart (I used to think I did). Because no matter how many times she says she could never leave the kids (and she rationalizes that she didn't REALLY leave them anyway), she has once so I know she could again.

So I can't trust her, and you can't trust yours. But we can't live always wondering and especially we can't live always checking (snooping). You told me that TL. I live as if I trust my W, even though I don't. I act as is I trust her. I protect myself emotionally from possible future hurt, but act as if anyway. Maybe that will keep us from ever being as close as we were, maybe it will be a healthier way to look at things, more realistic and mature. I don't know, but as long as I choose to stay with W, I don't think I have a choice but to act as if I trust her.

Also, how hypocritical would it be for me to expect her to trust me and me not trust her.

Since, as you also told me TL, we all have probably broken our vows (in spirit if not in fact (like Jimmy Carter? :))especially cherishing), maybe we all are a little hypocritical?

Regardless, you and your W are together, you have your faith in God, and there is time. I find it very hard to practice in my own life, but I truly believe that patience and time can bring amazing results, and there is good reason to believe that your M/R can have passion, deep feelings, trust, and all the rest in the future.

Your dealing with a big issue that I can really relate to, so I'm really hoping that you find the answer and show the way. Maybe I'll figure it out. If I do, I'll let you know.