Bi, I have never encountered your sitch before but I am no stranger to bizarreness or drama. You handled yourself so well that you should be proud of yourself and feed off that immense amount of confidence and ability that you showed for the weeks coming up. Your husband and children are very lucky to have you! just a dribble from me...peace
oh honey, how scary! I know how awful that is! I've lost 2 cars already in accidents and it is a trauma, I'm so so glad you and the kids are alright)))))))))))))))) I'm sorry to hear about the car though, but a thing like this sure puts a new spin on things, hugs hon)))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thoughts and prayers are with you. Glad to hear you and the kids are ok.
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Sweet friends, I am so blessed to have you. Wish I could give you all a group hug. I wish my H had you guys, or something other than his island. We LBS are so fortunate to have each other, the support, and different perspectives, advice and comfort. Ya'll know that, but I am sooooooooo thankful for you guys. Haven't said it in a while, but think it every day I come here.
So.
H was very very kind on the day of the accident. He has always been awesome in crises, never blaming, always comforting, etc. When the kids and I flagged down a ride and got to the house, he pulled each child out of the backseat of their sports car with a hug and a once-over to make sure they were fine.
I was the last out, with my bloody hand and encrusted hair (glass all in it, and what I thought was dried blood in my hair was coffee! ha!), and I believe he let slip with a "babe" as he got hold of me. Not much for the rest of you, but BIG here. I'm the one saying honey, etc. and I am not addressed by ANY terms of endearment, hardly my own name actually. This was so amazing, I still wonder if it happened.
After we got the kids in bed and I took a (painful!) shower, H stood me on a towel and combed my hair with a just-bought fine-toothed comb - to get all the glass out. Sadly, that was the longest close contact we've had in AGES. ha. But it was sweet.
After I was in bed, and he was downstairs, I sent him an email:
HA indeed! We are so blessed to have all of you tucked into your beds and relatively unscathed tonight. God was in the house today as he protected the three most important people in my life from what could have been a tragedy. I am SO thankful. I stood there and just stared at that Pathfinder on its side today and was in awe that you all walked away from that accident. Talk about perspective. Praise God! He has sheltered us yet again. I can do nothing but be thankful.
I was in awe, and so happy to hear that from him. I just let it be and went to bed all comforted.
Then the next day happened. Bleh.
H is back to his post-A negative, I-am-a-Loser self. He's beat himself up that we didn't have collision (as if that's HIS fault? Hell, I didn't think we needed it either, anymore, both cars are old as the hills and paid for), that his whole world is crumbling around him, everything he touches goes bad, people abandoned us after the A (which is true), he'll never rise above his sin, nobody will see him as anything but his sin, blah blah. He's lost EVERYTHING, I just don't understand what that's like for a man... He didn't even want to let our pastor know b/c he thinks everyone will be all well, if he hadn't had that A...
I didn't handle it well, IMO, b/c HELLO? God just saved me and my kids from certain horrors and you're WHINING? WTF? I didn't bitch at him, I just kept polly-anna-ing it, with It Could Be Worse, We're So Blessed, The car Is No Big Deal. You know? It just pissed him off that I didn't UNDERSTAND what he's going thru, etc.
After the convo, I apologized and asked his forgiveness for trying to solve/not just listening to him. I just can't crawl in that hole with him, you know? I am GRATEFUL. Screw that we lost an asset, screw that we are 'one paycheck away from losing everything' as he said, screw that we are a month behind on our mortgage. God knows all this stuff. I am just NOT that fcuking worried about it. Sorry man.
Anyway, back to 'normal' here, which bums me out. Thought it would be a wake-up to him, but not so much. I guess if God wanted to wake HIM up, he would've flipped HIS car. This message was perhaps just for ME.
OMGosh, ya'll, limbs and stumps could have come in the breaking windows as we flipped and impaled, decapitated, or otherwise SERIOUSLY INJURED each one of us. My sweet S6 still had his little glasses on when we stopped rolling, they weren't even crooked, for God's sake. How amazing is all that? It makes me cry to think about it.
So last night, here are our emails -
he sends me a link to a horrible story about a mother who accidentally ran over her 3-year old with
Quote:
Yes, yes, and yes, things could be MUCH worse. What a horrible story. This mother may never be able to get over this. I cannot even begin to imagine her grief. So sad.
And I haven't spewed forth in an email to him in a LONG time, but I just started typing:
Quote:
Yes, yes, and yes, things could be MUCH worse.
That was in Dania Beach, did you notice? I am just numb with horror. I keep imagining stumps or limbs that could have come right thru the windows and impaled the kids as we rolled down.
H, I never intended to beat you over the head with 'it could be worse' during this last year. Sh!t, It WAS worse. It has been fcuking AWFUL for so long, but I have much GRATITUDE lately (even before yesterday) from all I'm personally going thru/learning (which was a mutual goal for me), and I'm SO sorry if that has come across as insensitive to the complexities you are grieving.
I actually DO see all that you see, I just SO want it to be better for you (and want it for you yesterday) - my desire to ease your pain stomps all over my ability to just BE in your pain with you while you express it. That's my fault and I'm wrong to assume any ability to lessen it with mere words, or my lame point of view.
I can only imagine the torture you endure daily, the enormous loss you feel- which seems to never lessen or improve. I know the truth that we have mostly been LEFT ALONE as the rest of the world zooms along on the Hurry Up Interstate. It sucks and makes no sense to me, either.
My prayer is that you find comfort in Who made you, even while He has you be annoyingly still, with no other identity, next career project, or 'clear' purpose that satisfies & comforts you.
I don't want you to feel emasculated, that you are stuck here as an indentured servant b/c I'm working, or some other mutation of reality. Wherever you're supposed to go, if you are, I want that for you.
God does NOT desire for you to be defeated, THAT I know as the truth. He wants you victorious, and able to point to Him as the reason for it. I see so much in you that I think you've quit seeing. You are still amazing.
**Please know that I do not live in the past mentally and hold it over you, in my heart** I hope that is not a reason you can't be around me. It simply is no longer true.
It's the present and the future that has my attention now. But I will gladly sit in the hurt and hold your hand during this awful time if you would only let me join you. I am on your team and will always support you no matter the outcome.
PS- thanks for all your help post-accident with ideas to make my pain less, etc. Thank you for slowly combing my hair, getting pain medicine, and applying heat packs. You have been so kind and I do appreciate you for it.
His reply?
Quote:
Did you make an appt. with C for next week for us?
I almost laughed. I spewed my guts up and he asks when we're going to C. Better than what he could have said, right?
Boy, I cannot WAIT til next Wednesday (our C session) to see what we're doing here.
Tonight I go back to work for the 1st time since the accident (just called the hospital and asked them to please assign me easy patients!). I'm sore and smell like BenGay (ha) but will try to check in on ya'lls threads later tonight if it's not too busy!
{{{{my DB friends}}}}
Wow, this post is about as long as one of PL's (she used to be here in Infidelity, but is now in MLC)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
(she used to be here in Infidelity, but is now in MLC)