VDM - staying positive

[fearless]

Oh Ellie. I am so sorry because I kind of know how the job thing feels from both sides. I have been in jobs where I've felt similarly and my xH either seemed to want to tell me what I should do or just be frustrated that I was unhappy with my job. Although I know it bothered him for me to not enjoy my job, it was hard because he did not hide his feelings that he felt his was my fault for wanting too much from a job and that maybe it was a problem with me and not the people I worked for. So at least the facts that you back him up, you think he is wonderful and you are upset that these incompetents do not know how to run a business or know enough to let your H run the business. I also watched my xH struggle with work issues that were frustrating and were not his fault. I tend to be an optimistic realist so I do not ignore obvious issues but I try to look for the positive experiences that come out of negative situations. Sometimes I think that helped my xH and other times I do not think there was any right way for me to respond because he was just angry and wasn't ready to talk.

I do not know how the dynamics between you and H are with issues like this. So I am just going to throw out some ideas and thoughts. Hopefully something will make sense to your situation or at least start the thought process towards something useful. Does he feel that he can vent to you and that you listen AND problem solve with him? Does he want you to problem solve with him or just listen? My point of view is that he is very much focused on negative thinking. This job, while it will not be a fulfilling long term position, has given him some tremendous experience, has reinforced to him how truly capable he is and probably shown him some additional talents that he has. The key is to make a change soon while he is still has some amount of energy left and not after he's become too embittered. And the idea of "going back with his tail between his legs" is negative thinking. IF he would decide that he CHOOSES to go back (rather than look for another job, contact the other company he turned down, see if there is some way to make this new job work, etc.), then he is not going back because there are not opportunities elsewhere. He is going back because he wants to go back and is fully aware of the issues that remain.

I might be inclined to say or ask him directly "H, I know you are in a frustrating situation and honestly it frustrates me because I know how brilliant you are. The last thing you need as you are dealing with this is to deal with me. So what can I do on this end to help you out - be a sounding board, a problem solver, a cheerleader, to get out of your way, etc. or some combination of these? And I understand that you may need different things at different times. Just know that you can always let me know what you need." Of course the most obvious issue with this is that he may not really know what he wants or needs or at least might not be able to express it. And secondly even if you ask with the intention of helping, he might see it as another burden. So tread carefully, I guess.

And on that note, make sure you are taking care of yourself. What do you need right now and how can you take care of it? If things are not perfect for your Mom's b-day party, relax and just enjoy the imperfectness of life:) Aren't I philosophical?? Seriously though, the last thing you or your H needs is stressing about something that should be fun. If he is feeling stressed with work, he may personalize your additional stress even if it is not directed at him. So be the fun wonderful Ellie that we all know and love here!!

By the way the whole chocolate thing is too much!! Is that really possible? Could it be an allergy to milk products rather than chocolate? I think there are chocolate options with soy rather than milk. Just trying to be hopeful.

I wish I had some brilliant advice but mostly I just wanted you to know your DB friends are out here for you.