Afterall....This IS my Life III

[fearless]

Wow Heather!! I don't have much time but wanted to send hugs and good wishes your way with all that is going on.

There's plenty of time for disappointment later. Right now focus on exactly what he wrote (and not on what wasn't written) and see if it rings true. Initially anyway it seems that he took a HUGE step that is unlike anything he has done before. IMHO don't go looking for him to figure it all out all at once. And while a lot of his comments were focused on the kids, which is not a bad thing!, I think he wrote two significant statements about himself and the marriage:

I want a future with hope.

I want to be able look down the path of my life and not see shadows and uncertainty.

It may seem like those were "only" 2 out of 7 statements about your marriage but those statements are all encompassing if you look at it. The statements about the children were explicit while these are much more open ended.

This is always so tricky giving people advice so please take the next comments as just my own personal thoughts. Again keep focused on what you want from all of this.

1) I would immediately let him know, if it's true, that his list of wants is exactly the same as yours. Obviously there are a lot of details behind the "future of hope" and "look down the path... and uncertainty" but leave them as they are at the moment and be glad you agree on SOMETHING.

2) Ignore the provocation of his statements "It seems that you are (or were) waiting for me to commit to this marriage. But the more clear the picture becomes, the more it is evident to me that you have lacked commitment to me for nearly as long as we have been together. From my perspective, you have had one foot out the door at least since you were "Rushing" and hoping that a sorority had a house so you could get away from me. This has become a consistent trend throughout our history. The drinking, the affair, the family alienation, the "stealing of your youth", the porn, the "undermining of parental authority". It seems to me that you have been setting me up to disappoint you throughout our history. Fortunately, throughout all of this (up until this point), I think you have been able to follow your heart, in spite of all the outside influences." (My POV is that you shouldn't immediately get into a debate with him about all of these comments however it's critical for you to consider them and determine how accurately he has stated the issues. Again you don't want to argue about his feelings because they are his feelings whether you really acted the way he says or not)
3) Focus on the fact that he has opened up to what he feels from you. You may not have felt as he has projected but that doesn't mean that he wasn't felt that from you. You could respond that while you have not felt that way (if it’s true) you can understand how he has felt that way and the irony that you have felt so committed to staying with him even when your needs haven't been met.
4)

I have been waiting for you to prove to me that you really are committed to me

I would leave this statement alone for now. Honestly this is the most important and (to me) potentially scary comment that he has made. What is his expectation and definition of commitment? To remove the possibility of divorce off the table after some disturbing treatment of you? I'll be honest there is still a small warning bell in my head that your relationship with your H requires you to always be subjugated to your H. This is an issue that belongs to both of you because you both are involved with perpetuating it. Even your continued overwrought "guilt" over the mistake of your kiss with another man has placed you in your "normal" position of being the one at fault. So even as you struggle to fix this issue, you tend to fall back into old patterns. In my opinion even the truck thing is not as simple as it appears. It appears simple to say "sell the truck" because it affects your H so strongly however with your relationship dynamic this can also backfire by putting you in the role as the one who subjugates to your H. By no means am I saying to not sell the truck; I'm just saying that I don't see this as clear cut a solution as others may. I also recognize the difficulty of trying to establish a stronger self and realizing that you can make mistakes by trying to stand your ground at times.
5)

It seems that you are (or were) waiting for me to commit to this marriage

To go back to this statement in the first paragraph, would it hurt to say YES to this if it's true for you? Ignore the rest of what he wrote for now and answer this directly Yes.
6) Now you both have an interesting and useful topic - how do you define commitment for your marriage. This one again is huge so I'm not sure of the timing for something like this.


This is much longer than I intended and yet it barely covers the depth of the e-mail you just received. Take your time, reply thoughtfully and lovingly, and focus on the issues you agree upon for now.