Thanks for the book suggestion. It sounds interesting.
Today I find myself near the bottom of the emotional RC. I'm feeling hopeless. I got some insight into my W's perspective on me, and it really makes me sick. She sees me as crazy, says that she's never been happy with me and that she thinks I am nuts for thinking we can ever work. I guess none of this stuff is news to me, but after a year I thought I'd be farther up this mountain. I guess my perspective hasn't changed a whole lot, and neither has my W's.
I'm frustrated because while I respect my W and know she's smart, I see her as being so wrong. I find myself focusing on her. I see that she's pointing at her unhappiness as proof that the marriage wasn't/isn't working rather than working on becoming happy and seeing whether there is a positive response in marriage. If we end the marriage because of her misery, I have no doubt that she'll play this out again. The next relationship she's in will "make her miserable" and she'll likely not have someone as committed to making things work as I am. So my son will see his FOO disolved and then have to deal with his mother's failing relationships over and over.
It doesn't help me much to think about the consequences of her actions. It doesn't help me to predict negative outcomes for her. I want her to have a great life, regardless of whether I'm in it. I'm being really selfrighteous in stating that I know the truth and she's in the wrong so cosmic justice will make sure she pays for being wrong, and my son will suffer on top of it. Thinking like this makes me feel so trapped in the situation. I know it's best for my son to have his parents together, but seeing this really disfunctional relationship they have isn't really a good thing. Again, I find myself blaming this on her. I'm trying to do everything I can to make our interactions functional. I'm trying to be constructive. I think I should just stop. I should stop treating her like I think she's special. I should just treat her with the courtesy I would give a stranger and no more. Stop trying to do right.
She doesn't want things to work right now, so by trying I'm invalidating her. I'm giving her reason to sabotage our relations. If I step away, I wonder if she'll step towards me again after all that's happened. I need to do this again. I need to back away and start preparing a life without her in it. I've been beating myself up over this for too long. I've tried so many different approaches to do what I could to change things, and they haven't changed. I'm stuck. I don't want to be trapped anymore. I am keeping myself here, a victim of my values and fears. I don't want to destroy my family, yet it's already been shattered and is held together in a paper bag. And there's water dripping on the bag. We could put things back together, use the shards to rebuild something strong and wonderful before the bag disintegrates or we could put two pieces together and see that they don't work together until the bag tears and shards are spread everywhere.
I have been working to put my shards back together in a more healthy way, sometimes rebreaking them so they fit better. Maybe I should just break out of the bag now so I'm at least relatively whole. So I can move forward with my life and pursue my goals and dreams proactively rather than sitting here in limbo until either my W divorces me or decides she does want to work things out. At this point I don't really see the latter happening. My hope is not strong at the moment and my fears are rising.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
