The LBS needs to grieve for their loss. I realize everyone is fighting with everything they've got to get their spouse back, as this is what we believe we should be doing. But for those who have successfully gotten back with their MLC spouse, I believe they finally let go and stopped fighting.
What you resist, persists. We give more energy in trying to prevent the thing that we don't want to happen that it actually gives fuel to that which we don't want, and it ends up happening anyways.
If I could go back and do over, I would have let my XW go and make her own discoveries about herself, about the meaning of life, and why we are here.
My actions to control, manipulate and prevent the divorce only led to it happening sooner as my XW felt this was the only way she could get the space she needed.
Our MLC spouses seperate in order to avoid dealing with their emotional pain. When we chase after them and try to pull them back to the relationship, they fight harder and run faster.
Maybe the MLC spouse believes the only way to fully get away from the grasp of their LBS, is to get a divorce? Is it not the reason for them leaving, to get away from the one they feel is the cause of all their pain?
By seperating, they thought they would escape those feelings. When we do the things we do in our attempts to get them to see what they are doing is wrong, they eventually decide that getting the divorce will make them right and feel happy. They tell everyone they were justified in getting the divorce. They make the LBS out to be this awful evil person. Our behaviors add fuel to this belief and others begin to buy into what they are saying if we are not acting with compassion and love.
If I were able to overcome my own insecurities, fear of rejection and abandonment, I might have gotten back together with my XW.
But do to the fact I was doing everything I could think of to fix or change my XW, I simply drove her further away.
If I had focused on healing myself and looked inward to why I had these feelings of rejection, abandonment and feared being left alone. I would have become a strong and healthy person who my XW could have become more attracted to.
My XW was full of her own fears and did not know how to deal with them. She chose to run from dealing with her inner troubles, as that is what made her feel safe.
Her seeing me in pain and angony only made her feel worse and kept her away. She could not take care of herself and needed to go away in order to make herself healthy and whole. By me not focusing on myself and taking care of me, only prevented any chance of us getting back together.
If the LBS really wants to get back together with their MLC spouse, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and work on making yourself healthy and whole.
You have to become someone that has their act together and is a desirable partner. Showing signs of weakness only makes our MLC spouse want to run further away.
They are unhealthy and are not able to take care of themselves at the height of MLC. The LBS begging and pleading for them to return and take care of them only drives them further away.
The LBS does play a role in whether the MLC spouse returns. But first off, you need to grieve the old relationship as it is dead.
The old relationship is over, it has run it's course, and if there is to be a future with your MLC spouse, it will have to be a different relationship than the one you had in the past.
It is hard for the LBS to admit that the old relationship was not working. To the LBS everything was great until the bomb dropped.
Reality is, the realtionship was not working for your MLC spouse, they just didn't tell you it wasn't in a way that you could fully hear and understand.
Looking back, my XW said many things to me that were not working for her. Did I listen? Barely. Did I do anything about what she was saying to me? No. I was to focused on what I wanted and trying to get my needs met outside our marriage through my business and the associations I was involved in. The affairs I had was about trying to get my emotional needs met. I was not there for her when I was off trying to get my needs met.
Understanding what our spouses needs are and then trying to meet those needs is one of the keys to a happy marriage. Understanding what are own needs are and sharing that information with our spouse is also critical to a happy marriage.
MY XW and I were not meeting each others needs. Why? First off, we weren't sure what they were. We assumed what we thought were each others needs, but unfortunately, we were only guessing and were not doing the things that each of us really needed or expected from each other.
Can any of you LBS list what the needs are of your MLC spouse?
