Is it Midlife or is it not midlife, that is the ?

[missmyhusband]

All I have to say is wow.
I felt like I was reading my own story here. Except that we don't have kids and I don't have any proof of an A.

I am utterly confused as to whether or not my h is going through MLC or not. He is 36 years old and last August began telling me that he felt disconnected from me, and from life in general.

My H is 34 years old. I don't know if he is MLC or not. He also began telling me that he felt disconnected from me.

I found out at the end of September with much prodding that he had had an affair seven years ago while deployed oversead for six months.

My H is a Marine and was in Okinawa for 6 months in 1997-1998. We weren't married yet. After being there for 5 months, he called me on phone and broke up with me. No explanation of why. If there was another girl, I never heard of it. We were back together within 5 months.

Following the disclosure we attended weekly therapy sessions, and after my initial blow-out reaction to the affair, I made every effort to focus my energies on healing our marriage. The more I tried to draw closer to my h, the more he withdrew, to the point where he was feeling intense panic and boderline depression.

Me too! I kept asking what I could do or say to help make things better between us. My H never had a single answer for me. And our MC didn't even try to help. She made it OK for my H to not give me any clues. My H didn't even try. I really don't know why we went to our counseling sessions.

This business of affairs seems so out of character for my h. He has always espoused strong values, especially concerning fidelity in marriage, or so it seemed.

Me too. My H once said to me "Semper Fidelis isn't just about the Marines. It's how I live my life. It's who I am." It seems to me that "always faithful" and integrity should include taking responsibility for a vow you made before God.

He has been seeing a therapist since October, and has come to understand some things about himself. (I have to question whether his sessions with her are clouding his judgement and making matters worse).

My H is still seeing the therapist that didn't even try to help us out. It's my belief that she is enabling him, so much so as to his mental detriment. My therapist says that it's actually unethical for our MC to continue to see just one of the partners in a couple that she had previously counseled. I agree with her.
I felt that the MC was in my H's corner the whole time. I felt ganged up on. I guess I was right.

He believes that he has been a pleaser personality throughout our entire marriage, that in fact he was prior to marrying me, and that he may have "latched on" to me ten years ago out of fear of losing me, that marrying me was nothing more than the next step to take in the evolution of our relationship, and that he's been unhappy for some time now, just going through the motions and that perhaps much of our marriage has been a pretense.

So scary! I could have written this about my H word for word. H is definitely a pleaser, has been his whole life. And it is all because of some deep-seeded insecurities he's always had. I never had any sense that we weren't completely in love until one day he just announced that he was unhappy. Like you, apparently my H feels that we shouldn't have gotten married. He never actually said that, but he may as well have. Instead, he said "We're just incompatible."

We had dated for five years before getting married.

Me too.

He has said some of the usual things that people in his shoes feel like, "I'm feeling stifled and trapped", but he's also said things like, "I don't know if I've ever grown up", "I don't believe I was the practicing R.C. that I was with you, that I only did it for your sake, and I don't want to nurture my faith or my spirituality", "I don't know if I can be bothered to try", and "I don't want to grow", and "I don't know that I wouldn't stray again". He has told me he feels that the marriage is dead,

I got "I don't have anything left to give." "You hurt my feelings and I can't get over it." "We have communication issues." "We're not good together." (Oh yeah, then why were we so happy together for 10 years? Why were you writing me love notes just 3 months before the bomb?) "We grew apart." That one is my favorite because he acts as if it's completely irreversible! As if we now live on 2 separate planets (well, we might as well since he's refused to talk to me except for twice since May).

All of these things sound nothing like nothing more than rationalizations and excuses to not take responsiblity

Yes. As if they had nothing to do with making these decisions. That these things just "happened" to them. They are just running away from themselves and their past and their own individual (not marital) problems. And they must find reasons that they tell themselves in order to justify their actions. It's crazy, but it's all too common.

He is a man of few words, and so I didn't know how unhappy he was, I was shocked when he dropped the bomb(s) on me. I admit that I sensed a low-grade resentment from him for some time but whenever I would ask him what was bothering him, he'd deny anything was wrong.

I also had no idea that he was unhappy with me. He had been depressed and full of anxiety due to his situation at grad school, but he never once led on that he had an issue with me. Then all of a sudden the "I'm unhappy with you" speech. Wow, where did that come from?

both of us never learned how to effectively communicate our needs or negotiate and resolve conflicts. He did placate me much of the time during our marriage to avoid conflict at all costs.

My H told me that "we have communication issues." Um, like what? Like you never bothered to tell me that you're unhappy? My H will avoid conflict at any and all costs. For example, apparently he believes that walking away from a marriage and never speaking to me again is a much better option than having a discussion about it! This conflict avoidance/pleaser thing is something he's had his whole life. It just cracks me up that he's a Marine, yet avoids any kind of conflict whatsoever. He'll go way out of his way to avoid conflict.

Clearly, there are some issues in our marriage that need addressing, and I do take responsiblity for my part in having created the imbalanced power dynamic between us and the conditions within our marriage that made things ripe for this affair to happen; however, not only am I stunned by his behaviour, so are his family and friends.

I feel EXACTLY the same way, sister. I know I wasn't always perfect in our marriage. But his actions are completely out of proportion. We never fought, no abuse, no infidelity, no substance abuse, no gambling, no deceit, no lying, no mistrust. Nothing. I guess he just didn't take his marriage vow seriously.

Is this a mid-life, existential sort of personal crisis? One where he's trying to shed his old people-pleasing persona? Is he trying a new one on for a time and wanting to caste off our marriage because of what it represents to him? Is he in fact not on the right path in his life?

My H has been going through an identity crisis for about 4 years now. I don't think it is exactly MLC. But for a very long time now he has been trying to be different things. I don't think he really knows anymore who he is, or who he wants to be.

He loves his military career, which has been a contentious issue between us in the past because life within the particular type of unit of which he's been a part for most of his career isn't conducive to family life and values. His contract comes due within the next few years, and while he had said for some time that he had every intent of getting out of the military at that time, now he's changed his tune and doesn't know what he wants where that is concerned.

My H left active duty in August 2001 to go to grad school. I had no idea that he would even consider going back to the military. Especially since I felt so lucky to have him out before Sept 11 happened. Then 4 years later, after I had put him through grad school, he all of a sudden tells me that he wants to join up again. I flipped out, but then a few months later I told him that I was OK with him joining again. I thought it just might be the thing to make him smile again. Wrong. He moved out about 3 months later. He'll be deployed (probably to Iraq) very soon. I'm surprised his unit is still in the states.

I know he's questioning whether he's living the life he's meant to live (by being married), and that he's taking time and more importantly, FREEDOM to explore who he really is. He doesn't seem to be exhibiting any other MLC sorts of behaviours, but then again, I don't see him much and I don't know what he's doing.

These guys are just lost. I don't know why. And I'm sure they don't have a clue as to why either. I'm also in the dark. I have absolutely no idea what my H is doing since he moved out in May.

If it's not a MLC, then is this nothing more than a matter of emotional immaturity due to an emptiness within, that he's now clinging onto someone else to fill the void because I stopped not only meeting his emotional needs, but his need for approval? Does he need someone to project back to him that he's okay, or more than that, perfect? Does he simply lack boundaries and impulse control, or was he truly that unhappy and now he's changed his values to suit his present actions?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Whether he's MLC or not. Yes to all of the above. He's lost, not sure what to do and is looking for approval from someone, anyone. Was he truly unhappy? I would doubt very much that even HE could answer that question. They just don't know.

The OW is someone with whom he works, and is, from what I can ascertain, the exact opposite from me in many ways.

Very poor form to have an A with someone at work. Bad judgment on both of their parts.

I am trying to come to terms with it all, taking good care of myself and my girls, and chunking things down, but having a better understanding of what it is I'm dealing with will make it easier to make decisions for my own life.

Good for you for taking care of yourself.

If it is a MLC, I will try to keep going as long as possible to see if he will extricate himself from this affair in time.

Does he have a history of depression?

If it isn't, I must question his character and his behaviour as this is the second affair after all, and especially if I accept what he is saying at face value, then whether or not this could ever possibly be a marriage of integrity.

You sound like you have so much of this thought out in a very healthy way.
Is your H at all open to joint counseling, even for the kids' sake?
Is he taking any legal action? If so, please make sure you look out for yourself and the kids. Perhaps the military can offer some free legal assistance for you?

You are not alone. I don't have many words of wisdom. But I hope it helps to know that there are others going through this same thing. We can help each other.