I am utterly confused as to whether or not my h is going through MLC or not. He is 36 years old and last August began telling me that he felt disconnected from me, and from life in general. I found out at the end of September with much prodding that he had had an affair seven years ago while deployed oversead for six months. Our first child was only seven months old at the time. The pre-deployment stress had been intense, with issues surrounding my health as well as first-time parent/baby concerns being contributing stressors. He felt much remorse for that affair, but was not forthcoming about it until five months ago.
Following the disclosure we attended weekly therapy sessions, and after my initial blow-out reaction to the affair, I made every effort to focus my energies on healing our marriage. The more I tried to draw closer to my h, the more he withdrew, to the point where he was feeling intense panic and boderline depression.
Early in November, after some blatant red-flags went off, I came to uncover the fact that he was in the throes of yet another affair. It had started while he was away for a three-week training deployment in August, which was just prior to his announcing that he was feeling disonnected. The time that he was gone, and during which it was consummated, happened to fall over our tenth anniversary. Suffice to say, our anniversary was overlooked, over which I had felt deeply hurt and disappointed.
The affair has been on-going for about six months now, with seemingly no hope of it ending any time soon. We have been living apart since the time the second affair was disclosed.
This business of affairs seems so out of character for my h. He has always espoused strong values, especially concerning fidelity in marriage, or so it seemed. He has been seeing a therapist since October, and has come to understand some things about himself. (I have to question whether his sessions with her are clouding his judgement and making matters worse). He believes that he has been a pleaser personality throughout our entire marriage, that in fact he was prior to marrying me, and that he may have "latched on" to me ten years ago out of fear of losing me, that marrying me was nothing more than the next step to take in the evolution of our relationship, and that he's been unhappy for some time now, just going through the motions and that perhaps much of our marriage has been a pretense. We had dated for five years before getting married.
He has said some of the usual things that people in his shoes feel like, "I'm feeling stifled and trapped", but he's also said things like, "I don't know if I've ever grown up", "I don't believe I was the practicing R.C. that I was with you, that I only did it for your sake, and I don't want to nurture my faith or my spirituality", "I don't know if I can be bothered to try", and "I don't want to grow", and "I don't know that I wouldn't stray again". He has told me he feels that the marriage is dead, and that he's "fallen for another woman now". He's also said something to the effect of how he'll always love me but as a friend.
All of these things sound nothing like nothing more than rationalizations and excuses to not take responsiblity for his choice to continue on this affair. He's admitted that he has no intention of stopping it, and that he has no remorse over having started it in the first place.
He is a man of few words, and so I didn't know how unhappy he was, I was shocked when he dropped the bomb(s) on me. I admit that I sensed a low-grade resentment from him for some time but whenever I would ask him what was bothering him, he'd deny anything was wrong. We did seem to feed off each others' moods and both of us, having been products of divorce ourselves, never learned how to effectively communicate our needs or negotiate and resolve conflicts. He did placate me much of the time during our marriage to avoid conflict at all costs.
Clearly, there are some issues in our marriage that need addressing, and I do take responsiblity for my part in having created the imbalanced power dynamic between us and the conditions within our marriage that made things ripe for this affair to happen; however, not only am I stunned by his behaviour, so are his family and friends.
Is this a mid-life, existential sort of personal crisis? One where he's trying to shed his old people-pleasing persona? Is he trying a new one on for a time and wanting to caste off our marriage because of what it represents to him? Is he in fact not on the right path in his life? He loves his military career, which has been a contentious issue between us in the past because life within the particular type of unit of which he's been a part for most of his career isn't conducive to family life and values. His contract comes due within the next few years, and while he had said for some time that he had every intent of getting out of the military at that time, now he's changed his tune and doesn't know what he wants where that is concerned. I know he's questioning whether he's living the life he's meant to live (by being married), and that he's taking time and more importantly, FREEDOM to explore who he really is. He doesn't seem to be exhibiting any other MLC sorts of behaviours, but then again, I don't see him much and I don't know what he's doing other than having an affair with the OW. He is making the effort to see his children every day.
If it's not a MLC, then is this nothing more than a matter of emotional immaturity due to an emptiness within, that he's now clinging onto someone else to fill the void because I stopped not only meeting his emotional needs, but his need for approval? Does he need someone to project back to him that he's okay, or more than that, perfect? Does he simply lack boundaries and impulse control, or was he truly that unhappy and now he's changed his values to suit his present actions?
It's an affair that's still being kept "secret" although the rumor mill was long since going before I found out about it, the point is, it's as far from being a "real" relationship as can be, it's still in the infatuation stage, and as long as it is kept under wraps, it may remain that way for some time, prolonging the intense feelings of euphoria and deferring reality from setting in.
The OW is someone with whom he works, and is, from what I can ascertain, the exact opposite from me in many ways.
If anyone can give me some insight as to what he/she perceives from the outside looking in, I'd appreciate it. I am trying to come to terms with it all, taking good care of myself and my girls, and chunking things down, but having a better understanding of what it is I'm dealing with will make it easier to make decisions for my own life. If it is a MLC, I will try to keep going as long as possible to see if he will extricate himself from this affair in time. If it isn't, I must question his character and his behaviour as this is the second affair after all, and especially if I accept what he is saying at face value, then whether or not this could ever possibly be a marriage of integrity.
Thanks to anyone out there who's willing to respond. lostinconfusion
