URGENT! OW had an abortion, H miserable

[ourcrisis]

sometimes i wonder if it is a good thing if h moves out. Right now he is supposedly working on leaving OW. But he refuses to just dump her. He is "slowing resetting expectations". Yesterday night he was there till 6am, supposedly to talk about the abortion details. He said last she was expecting him to move out. Now he told her he is back to undecided because he loves her and he loves me. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy that he was there till 6am and sent text messages asking him when he's coming home, etc. Now he accuses me of not giving him space to work this out and he is already rethinking his decision (of not moving out, I guess). This is so hard. He is turning everything I say, even innocent comments, into a swipe at him. I hate this. I mean, I can only be uplifting and happy for so long without blowing up. But I am still working on it and will try to keep my anger in check, in front of him anyway. Which means probably more venting on this forum and writing journel.

[Ophelia]

If you plan on suggesting to him that he should move out, you've gotta be prepared for him to do just that, and it won't necessarily make things better. In my own sitch, Since H moved out we've had little contact and only seen each other a handful of times. We have no kids, or anything that forces us to have contact of any kind, and as a result, we're now basically strangers. Haven't heard a peep from him at all in almost a month, unless you count the letter from his L. So unless you're willing to risk the same thing, I wouldn't go telling him to move out.

Stop txting him to ask when he's gonna be home. Just be as upbeat and supportive as you can be when he is home. It's really all you can do. It sounds to me like OW is getting all kinds of desperate in an attempt to keep him hanging on. Hopefully he'll get to a point where he feels like he needs to really pull away from her, and when that happens, you have to be the favourable option that immediately springs into his mind.

[imLIN]

I agree with Ophelia...when he is there....enjoy him....when he is gone don't text, call, or message in anyway....don't ask when he will be home....don't act upset if he comes home later then you would like...

I feel he is trying to break away because OW might be draining him emotionally as well...be his breath of fresh air...his haven of peace....

[ourcrisis]

Thanks for all the comments. H and I talked again and yes, he came out and said if anyone (not just me) pushes him to do something, he will do exactly the opposite. He felt very pressured yesterday when I called him in a "nasty" tone which almost turned the tide on him quitting on her. He said right now I need to give him space. This is hard to do but I will have to try because I can feel that he is genuinely intending to end the relationship. And yes, from our talk, I am guesing OW is getting desparate. Recently I am contacting may long lost friends to go out. Thanks for the advice of not having him move out. Yes my logical mind is saying that also. Just need my emotional mind to follow the same advice and not get angry when he's out. imLIN, you really help me in setting my expectation of how long this will take. I need to know that this will take a LONG TIME..... thanks.

[kml]

You know what? next time he goes over to OW's, you go out - and STAY out until AFTER he comes home. Do that a couple of times and he'll think twice about hanging out at her place, I bet!

Ellie

[ourcrisis]

good advice, kml. I actually have some friends asking me to go out this Fri and Sat but usually I wait to accept till I know for sure he's going out with her, thinking that if he's home, I will try to be home to have more time together. I guess I will just go out this weekend anyway and have some fun. Last time I stayed out late he actually came back from OW's place REAL EARLY and waited for me.

[oldtimer]

Hi,

Two quick things: "He said right now I need to give him space. This is hard to do but I will have to try because I can feel that he is genuinely intending to end the relationship."

On the contrary, I would say that you should give him space simply because he has asked for it. Your actions now need to be what is right for you, REGARDLESS of whether he ends that R or not. He doesn't know right now what he wants. Live with that or not. Pushing him will get you an answer you don't want, almost assuredly.

Any person on this planet deserves enough respect and concern from those who love them to have whatever space they need to make their own choices freely.

Second, as others have suggested, work on GALing. This weekend is a great opportunity and it sounds like you have some fun options :-)

[ourcrisis]

This weekend I actually ended up with H. One friend got too busy, another got really sick. Both my Friday and Saturday plan went out the window. It was funny because I did not ask at all where h was going this weekend. I just assumed he was "going out". On the contrary, he asked if we would go out on both days. Since my plans fell through, we did. We did have another argument Friday night right before dinner but we both calmed down. The whole evening was OK, went dancing (too young a crowd) but left early. Saturday, however, was great. We went for a drink and talked. No R talk until the very end so the whole night was pretty good. At one point at the R talk, he said, "I get to know you so much more these few months. If we get through with this, I know I can be with you forever......" and (in response to my prior questioning of him not wanting to go out with me weeks ago) "My heart now beats fast every time we go out. It's like dating every time." This is good sign. I am secretly hoping I can move to piecing soon. However, knowing h, I know the way he talks. He may have the exact same feeling with OW that he left unsaid. So, I am trying so hard not to get my feelings high up and trying not to PUSH.
So, after this weekend, I think I will need to back off a bit. I can tell he is thinking about OW at times. Good that my friend just called so hopefully we will go out this weekend.

[ourcrisis]

We talked last night, AGAIN. I don't know how long I can stand this anymore. From what I gather, he simply cannot decide. He cannot let her go. He said his first priority is the kids, after that he is not sure. Basically saying I am on equal footing with OW. Of course hearing that made me sick to the stomach. However, I am not surprised. He has pretty much been going back and forth all these months anyway. He has all the reasons/excuses supporting staying with me or going with OW. He just cannot make up his mind. "So how?" is his daily question to me.
I am just wondering, how long do I wait for him? I am GAL now, in fact I am going to see a movie with some girlfriends tonight while he is going out with OW. I really want to push him to make a decision but I have been on this board long enough to know that is not a good idea. Now it is just so frustrating to have to wait it out. OW is also quite intelligent from what I gather so she is having her own clever tactics also. I feel like I am in such a competition.
Enough venting. Thanks for reading.

[imLIN]

Maybe it is time to change your tactic....don't force him to decide....just don't include him in you life....don't go out with him....make sure your always busy even if it is just a matter of going to Starbuck's and hanging out for a while...let him wonder what you are doing....and if he WANTS you he KNOWS where you are....but just tell him for right now you are not to be shared with OW....that you are MUCH BETTER THEN THAT....so when he figures it out....IF your still around fine...

You don't have to be mean, nasty, angry, condecending, or even depressed....just happily tell him you are pulling out of the competition....

Sounds like cake eating big time....he is going back and forth way too much...

but of course this is JUST MY OPINION!!!