No, it's not what you think. My low, absent, sex drive and desire has finally ended my 13 year marriage. My son was born 7 years ago and the wife and I haven't had sex since then. I really got tired of always iniating our sexual encounters, so I decided to stop to see what she'd do. After awhile of nothing happening, I became comfortable with the no sex marriage. Before we were married and early on in our marriage my wife was, well to say the least, HOT. She never had any trouble letting me know what she wanted at anytime during the day or night.
My wife also lost all respect for me several years ago (women, listen to me--don't ever do that with a man), and this became a serious problem for me. Her career advanced while mine did not; to be honest, I think at some point my wife began thinking that she was above me. Her current salary is four times what mine is. Our communication became whatever she wanted or thought was correct, so I checked out of trying to communicate with her as well. If she didn't get her way she pouted, and eventually I gave into her episodes just to have peace in the house. She eventually reached a point in our relationship where she could not be wrong about anything, even if it was obvious that she was indeed wrong. She forgot how to say that she was sorry for anything that she did that was hurtful. At this point, I did not want to have sex with my wife. We were no longer a "couple", we were roommates sharing a bed. She did eventually move out of the bedroom.
In November, she anounced that she wanted a divorce, citing our sexual issues. She says that she is "no longer in love with me" and now has "no desire to have a sexual relationship with me". "Something in her, her love and desire for me, has died, and that can never be recovered." Blah, Blah, Blah--it all sounds like BS to me. Basically, my wife started to look at me like I was disgusting. When I tried to hug her or kiss her she'd pull away or just be limp and unemotional. Needless to say, she does not see anything that she did in our relationship to cause any of these issues.
I tried desperately for two months to try to get her to work on our marriage, with no luck. I have now accepted the fact that I'll probably be divorced by 2008. At present we are living under the same roof--no physical contact and only speak to eachother when necessary. So, here I am, not wanting a divorce but having one forced upon me. My son does not know yet; he is going to be devastated.
I love my wife deeply, and I'd like to put our marriage back together, but I realize that I cannot do it by myself. She has not mentioned divorce since the end of Jan., nor has she made any attempt to or statement thereof that she'd like to put us back together. So, I really don't know what to do; the ball is in her court, and she's doing nothing with it.
I have stopped worrying about and working on our relationship and started working on me. I have rejoined the gym (over the long, unhappy years I really let my health go), I'm back in church, I've joined a divorce recovery group, I've made new friends outside of our marriage, and I've gotten active in community events. With all of this going on in my life, I must say that I haven't felt this good about myself in years. My self-esteem is returning, and I've taken the power that she had over me away from her. I am in control; I am proactive--not reactive. With my newfound self, in a few months, if she hasn't filed for divorce or attempted to put our marriage back together, I will file for divorce.
So, that's my story. Any comments, good or bad, are welcome.
That's it, Divorce Care. There are about 20 people in our group. I was shocked to learn that some of these people were married 30-45 years and are divorceing. I understand divorce under certain conditions, but it's just too easy to divorce now. Our culture/society just doesn't motivate people to stay in a marrage and work on it. Marriage has become disposable, like everything else in our culture/society. I'm not bitter, but all of the research I've done on divorce bears this out.
if you are deeply in love with yr W, you should carry on working on it and not give up after 2 months. Most of us here are still working on our problems by the way....
2 months is not good enuf and you should not let the time-factor/duration cloud your decision. Good luck and try harder.....
Corri, there seems to be a misunderstanding here. I am certainly not saying that I don't have or accept any of the resposibility here. It takes two to Tango, and I certainly don't, can't, and did not Tango alone in our marriage---good or bad. It seems that your point of view on this is very narrow. Do you think the man is solely responsible for starting all of the physical contact in a relationship?
Don't lecture me about "I" didn't have sex with my wife for seven years. She knew where the bedroom was, and she knew how to begin physical contact with me. Wake up, it's 2007, women wanted equal rights, they got them.
And yes, divorce is the cowards/easy way out of a marriage where there have been no extreme abnormalities involving one partner--abuse, addiction, adultry, etc. She had so much respect for me and our son that she made this decision on her own--yeah, that's respect alright. I didn't ask for a divorce, she did. Let's face it, a WAS is a coward--you plan something for a long time without even trying to work things out with your partner then you just drop the bomb one day out of the blue. That's what I call "real" motivation on the part of the WAS to better a marriage. If all that time, effort, and planning would have gone into trying to better our marriage we wouldn't be at this point.
I am certainly not waiting on my wife to make this work. She cannot make this work on her own any more than I can. The difference is that I tried for two months after the bomb was dropped to try to get her into counseling, tried to engage her in conversation, etc. only to be rebuffed on all attempts. After two months I stopped beating my head against the floor. I have no plans to put our marriage back together, nor will I approach her again regarding the subject. However, if she comes to me with the slighest hint and willingness that she'd like to make our marriage work, I'd be 100% with her in all endevors to put our marriage back together.
I love my wife. I want to spend the rest of my days with this woman. I have accepted that this may not be possible. I have accepted that I am but one partner in my marriage, and, thereby, cannot stop my spouse from leaving (nor would I want to stop her if that is what she wants). I cannot change another person; I can only change and take care of myself.
That being said, I cannot wait forever for someone that doesn't know what they want to do. She wants a divorce, she can get one. She is making no attempt to get one, nor is she making any attempt to reconcile our differences. If, in a few months (and this may mean several), we are still where we're at today, I will file for divorce. My life is worthy of happiness also. I feel sorry for anyone that is selfish enough or has so little self-esteem that they would stay in a relationship with a partner that doesn't want to be in the relationship. I would tell that person to examine his/her life closely.
