Piecing together, or not?

[25yearsmlc]

W2,

lots to think about. A quick note though, H gets that I will need sunshine injections frequently and he says we can keep the house we have here. I don't know if that means renting it out or what, and whether that depends on making the gazillion dollars he thinks. His numbers on salary MAY be correct ultimately but in the meantime i have financial concerns for the first time in years....His one comment re: career that I wish he'd said earlier, like 5 years earlier, was that he feels he cannot do his profession (the way it was before this last specialty training) many more years b/c it is very demanding and takes full concentration for maybe 10-12 hours a day in the operating room. So, he wanted something he could do into his 60's and still enjoy it AND more importantly, he wanted an ownership dimension to it so that even when he retires, he'd still be earning something from the clinic since he'd be a part owner.....so that makes sense. I didn't know how much fear of aging and its' effect on his career he had. It isn't unreasonable. What I dislike is that I saw no real attempt to find something similar elsewhere.

As soon as H took the boards, he text messaged me that day, to ask me to join him and said he "misses" us, etc. Like he looked around after finishing the test and said, "ooops, where is everybody?" I knew he was depressed as his 50th b-day approached, and couldn't get time off to visit. So I went up and surprised him, and he was really moved and it was a nice experience. Maybe b/c I chose to do it without pressure and just out of love, it felt fine to me. Strangely, my secret spy mole did not pick me up at the airport. Imagine my surprise when Hero #1 and his wife were there to greet me, and begin the conversion/sales pitch. I tried to be open. IF I understood them correctly, they want me to either be their general counself or their CEO and lobbyist, which would take me a decade to get here where I live now. Part of me finds that really appealing and smart. The totally different part of me is directing a show now that my d17 is in and I seem to have some talent for, and wth does that have to do with a real job? Who knows? One fantasy I have is opening a theater up there b/c they need it so much. But I have no idea how realistic or desparate that is.

Anyhow, Until I went up there and the heroes "urged" me to join them professionally ( it was the most any potential employer has ever pursued me, by far, but of course, nothing in writing so far....) I know H had mentioned looking elsewhere someday. He kept saying, "are you ever coming here? Are you even open to it?", etc. But once they said there'd be something for me there, H has fixated on it.

Look, I don't want to be irrational about it. But I need an honest promise that we will leave that place in a specified amount of time, if one of us wants out...even if he still loves it and even if "the streets are paved with gold."

I might do something else that sounds gross to me right now. That would be to get a post-nup written up that says if we do D in the next 30 months or so, that this state's laws would apply b/c Alaska law sucks for me re: custody and I'd be stuck there until d9 turns 18. THAT would be hell b/c the M would have ended AND I'd be imprisoned in the tundra...not sure how to present that to H without sounding just a tad distrustful...LOTS to think about. Your ??'s help.
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[25yearsmlc]

Thanks CY,

Good for you with the daddy/daughter day. The kids forget lots of bad things when they get older and do remember the good times more than you might imagine. I worked full time when d17 was little and guess what? She DOES NOT REMEMBER me working full time....all that wasted guilt I had!!

ANyhow, W2 didn't seem to be suggesting I go, or stay. I just have a lot to consider. But H does say he loves me, each time we talk and we were just in Hawaii alone together and it was romantic and loving. I had a few "triggers" that camy upon me by surprise and I had to cope without ruining the moments we were having. Yes, I do have resentment for sure. And I am struggling with that.

You know, even when we want to forgive, it doesn't just happen. I guess I never realized how long forgivenss could take even when I actually want it.

So your wife may be finding the same thing. Plus, I doubt your wife saw much forgiveness in her family life and I know I never saw my parents actually resolve something. More like attack and retreat. My fil was in Vietnam for two tours and so, h had an absentee dad early on in life. Not to mention how his dad was when he returned, which was ...."damaged." That man is better now, which proves we can change. But H's childhood, from my perspective, was a sink or swim deal. H swam and was a superachiever, and his brother fell by the wayside, dropping out of life until his 30's. Keep on fathering the way you are, b/c I swear your kids are going to recall the good times more than you realize and the bad/absent times that occurred before the age of about 7 or 8, seem to be too hazy for them. Like I said, "wasted guilt." Don't do it.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Bill,

ps I do worry about what it portends if I go there without really feeling that h appreciates it and would do the same for me. How can I even believe that? Is it necessary and if so, now? PMA has to happen and H probably has to help me/us get there. thanks again,
j-

[brandnewday]

Oh (((((((J))))))))
Too much to think about!!!
The post you wrote about your D and her conversation with her Dad made me cry.
it was all too familiar.
As you know my H also went 3000 miles away to seek his good fortune in the land of opportunity.
The kids are s-l-o=w-l-y begining to trust him again but it is hard.
The younger ones want to know if he is leaving again.
Your thoughts and your questions honestly make my head spin because I too am married to an over-achiever who is now talking about getting another degree.
Me, I just wanted to finish my BA, but I guess that there will never really be time for that now.
As for the inlaw situation I am definately stuck.
I need help and prayer.
I have to let this damned thing die, but I can't.
I want her head on a platter (insert evil laugh)!!!
I will be the first to tell you that I am wrong.

[Contyankee]

J,

You know something. Your right. I had told each of my children, and more then once since I am giving them more and more love each day. Just yesterday, I told my D that I used to work so many hours and then I had school and didn't spend much time with you and Nick. Do you remember that? I have always gotten the same answer. Both of my children do not remember it at all. So yes, as you said, I am wasting time with that guilt that I had. I can't believe that they do not recall it at all. How fortunate for me.

Maybe I should tell my wife what the kids have said to me about this.

I also saw on your post that your H tells you he loves you so that has to be great for you. I say the same thing to my W and get no response at all.
CY

[verycrazy]

Hi, 25yrs, I am sorry to see you so conflicted over this. Moving to Alaska wouldn't be an easy thing, but what is?
Maybe you two could still end up where you always wanted to be, but in the future, not just now.
Are there things you could do to make it less bleak up there for your family? Take a little California with you? Find out all you can about SAD, and how to prevent it.
Alot of it may be having D17 leaving the nest, but understandable that you too would be leaving the nest you have made, and all the friends and life you have there, but weighed against what you would be gaining, which is better for you and your family?

I remember a novel written in the sixties or seventies, I read it when I was about 14, about a couple who got married, and he took her far away from her friends and family, and she had a hard time adjusting. I can't remember the name of it, but I though it was Alaska he took her to, I could be wrong.

I believe you will make the right decision after you agonize over it for awhile.

And about the possibility of opening a theatre up there; I think it's a great idea, they are probably hungry for that sort of thing, something else to occupy their minds on those dark nights, and days. It does sound a tad distrustful to ask for the postnup, but if worded right, maybe H won't get offended.

L

[25yearsmlc]

vc,

distrustful?? Me???? Why would that be?????? anyhow, thanks for the words. Yep, some of this IS d17 leaving, so be prepared for that when your son goes too. One thing that helped me when s20 left for college was asking myself how I'd really feel if he stayed at home, forever.....Not so good.....so, this is what we prepare our children for, if we do our jobs right. To go out into the world with PMAs, knowing they are lovable and loving people with great futures and all the tools for happiness....we hope.
j-

[verycrazy]

Yeah, I know. I am already dreading my empty nest. His first year of college, if he gets in where he wants, he has to live on campus.

I don't think it's wrong of you to get a postnup, just hope that your H won't get the wrong idea from it. I am so trying to raise S with the right pma and hope he takes alot away from what I have taught him.

L

[25yearsmlc]

Dear People,

I am finding that my hurt from the past is haunting me. I am not able to feel good about moving to Alaska, yet. But maybe it's not the past that I am holding onto. Maybe it is the ongoing nature of my H's absence and the damage it does to me, my ego, and most important, our daughters. D17 was in a show last weekend, which I directed, btw. It went very well and she was genuinely great. Lots of wonderful feedback for her. H could not make it, as he has very little vacation days left and needs them for her HS graduation... I just feel really down today. I don't like him much or recognize him, or I am just feeling very emotional. When I look at homes on the internet, I think of neighborhoods and kids for d9 to play with. H sent me an email of a house with lots of land, and an airstrip....he has gone totally native on me. BTW, we don't have an airplane.... And the job that was dangled in front of me which is why I was even considering going up there, seems to be petering out. Cannot tell if I got jerked around on purpose or what. Probably not, but it still sucks. Where I am now, geographically, is stimulating to me in the creative sense. It's also beautiful scenery with near perfect weather year round. I always wanted to live here and told H that, on our 2nd date...

How can I be in this position? I feel that I either move there, or divorce. H seems unable to move back and I mean that. He is frustrated there b/c he does miss us. And he knows we are having financial problems he chose to ignore b/c when he is a partner, the streets will be made of gold...meaning, as usual, he is saying that IN the FUTURE, we'll have enough.... Today I feel my whole M has been decades of denial and delayed gratification because H never felt that we could "be" wherever we were. Had to go back to school, had to do internship, had to get the right residency, had to get thru it, had to pass the boards, blah blah blah. Now he has to make partner there. Did I mention he WAS already a partner where we lived?

Is he mentally ill or am I? wth?
j-

[LoginName]

J-
So sorry to hear/read how your sitch is going. You've given so much good advise and seem to understand so much, but this sitch is difficult.

Do you want validation? You've got it. Obviously, reading what I have, and just here on this board, I can't know the whole sitch, but from what I do know, your H is difficult. He seems to have some issues, maybe they require counseling. You've identified his need to keep moving, changing, that it's never enough. What could cause that? Why can't he be satisfied? Interesting, but probably not the most important question right now.

I'm thinking the question is what should you do. What I want to tell you is don't go to AK. Especially if your Ds will be happier where you are, don't go. (like always, my view is tinted by my own sitch, but I'm trying to be objective). That's what I want to tell you. I want you to have permission, give yourself permission, to do what you feel you should. But, I won't tell you that b/c I'm not confident of my answer. Lot of help, huh?

I guess it doesn't have to be go or divorce. You've not divorced yet. Maybe one of the smart people who give you advice can see alternatives. Maybe your H will have a sudden realization.

I'm hurting for you J. It doesn't seem fair. Maybe the future still holds some surprises though.