I've been on this board (and fortysixty) for about 8 months now. I've read several books on MLC, and DB and DR, and doing my best to practice what I've read. Here's my sitch: Married for 14 years, best friends, spent lots of time together I'm 46, H is 41 Bomb dropped middle of last March. He said he was in love with someone else, still loved me, but not in love with me, etc. I tell him that while I want to try and work things out, that he's free to go. I even investigated rental property for him, but he made no move to leave. When asked "why do you want to get a D?" he gave me all kinds of crazy reasons, like not having dinner on the table when he gets home from work at 10:30 at night, after telling me for years he didn't want that. He was mad because I smoke (he smokes) mad because I'm over wieght, (he's over weight) etc. I reminded him of his first marriage, where his wife was unfaithful, and how hurt he told me he was at the time. Of how we didn't approve of unfaithfulness, etc. But I think in his mind he's not unfaithful because he told me about it before he did anything. Oh, what we do to justify our acts! We've been living together, doing things together, like buying new kayaks, going fishing, etc. All this time OW is calling him on his new cell phone, but he doesn't answer it per my request. For over 6 months he never brought up the subject of leaving, and made many statements to the contrary, like making plans for a deck on the house next year, etc. I took it one day at a time, never mentioning anything about a D., relationship, etc. The middle of January H leaves a note by the phone with info about a rental property. When I ask him about it, he looks at me like I'm stupid, and says "I told you I was leaving..." He tells me he feels like he's "spinning his wheels here" "I'm very much in love with OW" I tell him again that I love him unconditionally, but he's free to go, he can have anything he wants... I start counseling with a great gal who even has the DR book on her shelf! On Feb 8 OW's husband contacts me and I find out that this poor man had no clue until she got her own place a week before. He also tells me that she's had multiple affairs during their 22 year marriage, but she'd never left before. I tell my H when he comes home from work that I'd met with her H. We didn't fight, but he became uncomfortable. He leaves that night, and has been back a few times when I'm at work to get his things, after promising me he'd come when I'm home. He called last week, left a message that we need to meet to discuss disolving the marriage. I left him a note stating that my counselor and I agree that I'm in no emotional state to make life decisions.
According to OW's husband, they think I'm OK with a D. She's told him many untrue things, like our friends tell her I'm mentally ill, & that I tried to starve one of our Dogs. On one of H's visits home to get his stuff, he left me two condoms. OW denies this to her H. He told her about my H buying us Kayaks, as proof that I've been trying to work things out. This resulted in H. taking both Kayaks! Her husband and I have now decided it's best not to talk to each other (we'd only talked for a few days) He feels the same way I do, he wants his wife back,
I am trying to remain hopeful, despite these new lies and developments. I still love him, and feel that I have a decent understanding of what he's going through having researched MLC for months and months. Prior to the bomb, he was in counseling for PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) as he was in Desert Storm. He would not let me "in" during that time, and began distancing then.
I am writing this to not only open myself up for input from those of you with similar experiences, but also for the new people. I had no idea how immature people in MLC can be, or how hurtful they can be despite our best efforts not to antagonize them. Everything is my fault (in his mind), even events that H. put into play. I don't think he feels any consequences for his actions. Since he left, I am feeling almost as badly as I did in the beginning. In some ways it felt good that all of this is out in the open now, and I know for sure what's happening. But it also makes me ill to think of him with someone else, spreading lies about me, and flaunting himself all over with her.
Sorry to welcome you here. You seem to already know what to do, and honestly other than offer condolences right now, I cannot think of anything you need from us except support.
I get the feeling that you are going to become a person here that alot of people will rely on for advice.
It is far different reading about it and actually going though it, alot of us have, let us know what you need.
Jack
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It sounds like you've done everything perfectly so far. Really in the end, if they choose the door, we can't stop them.
He hasn't lived with her yet; reality will begin setting in quite soon. Don't count this over with him. Sure, he's acting like a grade A fool, but he has to figure it out for himself, the mistake he's making right now. Anything you say will be "wrong", as you know.
Keep posting and reading. So sorry you had to join us.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Danu, you have come here so prepared. I am in awe of you newbies.
Sorry about the pain, I just found out myself about an OW even tho i kinda figured she was always there, but when it hits you in the face, it is a whole different story.
You know what I'm gonna say dear heart.
Take hte focus off him right now. I now it's hard, but you will be able to.
a few minutes at a time, then anoter few minutes, and before you know it. Another day will be here, and you did it .
Take care of you sweetie, be gentle, and sweet to yourself.
Thank you for all your kind words. I know there's not much I can do now except wait for him, in the hopes that he comes around. In the meantime, I am not calling him, and I do not plan to help him work on the finances. That's always been my area, but now it's going to be up to him. I'm sure I'm taking a hell of a gamble here with that decision, BUT, everything is in both of our names. We own some land, and the plan was to sell some of it to pay everything off, with me keeping the house and our animals. I even had a realtor come out last spring and get it all started, but then he never followed through.
What am I doing for myself???? Well, a little bit at least. I started Yoga, I just love my counselor, she makes me feel so good! I make bread in my bread maker, and I have started going out with friends a little bit-not to bars mind you, that's not something I'm into. I know I need to do more, and for the last few weeks I've been working on thinking of things to do. I live in Michigan and until a few days ago it's been so bitter cold! I love the outdoors, and am looking forward to spring. Talking on this board is something that's helping too. How cool that you both responded so quickly!
I just quit smoking-something I've wanted to do, and figured what the hell, I'm already miserable, why not get it over with! I've lost 50 Lbs, and that makes me feel really good, although it came off from the stress. I actually lost 11 Lbs in a week when he said he was leaving last month. I still want to lose more, and I know at some point I'll have to start working on it.
I consider myself a strong person-but this has just about brought me to my knees. After the "mentally ill" remark, I found myself face down on the floor wailing like a fool, drooling all over the carpet. That was a turning point for me. I'm not ashamed that I did that, in fact it felt kind of good! I guess I'm still in the process of picking myself up off the floor. I know I need to take steps to take care of myself, as I've read so much about. It's all a process, for them and for us. I read and read, and like you say, until you go through it you don't understand all there is to know. This group has guided me through very well though. I don't know what I would have done without all of you.
My H has been living with OW since last June and she is a pistol and saying bad things about me. She is an alcoholic and their big thing is drinking together which he can no longer do so we shall see how long this lasts BUT just wait and see how well they get along while living together.
Being together and living together are totally different.
I know this is hard for you because I am going thru it.
My H pays the bills and is very good about it, fortunately.
He is not in love with her--he is in an addiction situation.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Thank you! Yes, that's the plan, to stop thinking about him constantly, and until he moved out, I was able to do that for short periods of time! So sorry to hear there's an OW on your scene too.
I have two wonderful friends who have been through similar situations, and I've wanted to post their stories here, so that others could learn what I have. They're another thing I have for "me" Ha! Ha!
My married friend went through a terrible time with her husband, she even divorced him and now they are re-married. So, there is hope! She and I have compared her husbands childhood with my husbands (we both LOVE to analyze) and we feel that horrible childhoods do contribute to MLC. We're not sure her husband had a "traditional" MLC, but severe depression for sure, which is the basis for MLC.
My other friend is a 44 year old single man. He used to live next door to me. He lost his long time job, and went into a deep depression. He was always over at our house, and for a couple of years just kind of kept to himself. He got behind in his property taxes, and wouldn't let us help him. He wound up losing his home. When the new owner came on the scene, I went over to chat with him, and he had me take a look inside the housetrailer. I just about keeled over! The whole place was knee deep in pizza boxes & juice bottles. There was a path to get from room to room. Mice had made nests in his couch. He'd been living there with no running water, heating with a kerosene heater, and no electricity on and off. My friend told me that he "snapped out of it" when he got the notice that he was losing the place. When I tell him what H says, he says he felt the same way, that he knows how he feels. We're both sure he had his own MLC. He's been a great support, and assures me H will come to his senses.
Both of my friends call me every day at least once, they're a great support, and I am so greatful.
