I've been on this board (and fortysixty) for about 8 months now. I've read several books on MLC, and DB and DR, and doing my best to practice what I've read. Here's my sitch: Married for 14 years, best friends, spent lots of time together I'm 46, H is 41 Bomb dropped middle of last March. He said he was in love with someone else, still loved me, but not in love with me, etc. I tell him that while I want to try and work things out, that he's free to go. I even investigated rental property for him, but he made no move to leave. When asked "why do you want to get a D?" he gave me all kinds of crazy reasons, like not having dinner on the table when he gets home from work at 10:30 at night, after telling me for years he didn't want that. He was mad because I smoke (he smokes) mad because I'm over wieght, (he's over weight) etc. I reminded him of his first marriage, where his wife was unfaithful, and how hurt he told me he was at the time. Of how we didn't approve of unfaithfulness, etc. But I think in his mind he's not unfaithful because he told me about it before he did anything. Oh, what we do to justify our acts! We've been living together, doing things together, like buying new kayaks, going fishing, etc. All this time OW is calling him on his new cell phone, but he doesn't answer it per my request. For over 6 months he never brought up the subject of leaving, and made many statements to the contrary, like making plans for a deck on the house next year, etc. I took it one day at a time, never mentioning anything about a D., relationship, etc. The middle of January H leaves a note by the phone with info about a rental property. When I ask him about it, he looks at me like I'm stupid, and says "I told you I was leaving..." He tells me he feels like he's "spinning his wheels here" "I'm very much in love with OW" I tell him again that I love him unconditionally, but he's free to go, he can have anything he wants... I start counseling with a great gal who even has the DR book on her shelf! On Feb 8 OW's husband contacts me and I find out that this poor man had no clue until she got her own place a week before. He also tells me that she's had multiple affairs during their 22 year marriage, but she'd never left before. I tell my H when he comes home from work that I'd met with her H. We didn't fight, but he became uncomfortable. He leaves that night, and has been back a few times when I'm at work to get his things, after promising me he'd come when I'm home. He called last week, left a message that we need to meet to discuss disolving the marriage. I left him a note stating that my counselor and I agree that I'm in no emotional state to make life decisions.
According to OW's husband, they think I'm OK with a D. She's told him many untrue things, like our friends tell her I'm mentally ill, & that I tried to starve one of our Dogs. On one of H's visits home to get his stuff, he left me two condoms. OW denies this to her H. He told her about my H buying us Kayaks, as proof that I've been trying to work things out. This resulted in H. taking both Kayaks! Her husband and I have now decided it's best not to talk to each other (we'd only talked for a few days) He feels the same way I do, he wants his wife back,
I am trying to remain hopeful, despite these new lies and developments. I still love him, and feel that I have a decent understanding of what he's going through having researched MLC for months and months. Prior to the bomb, he was in counseling for PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) as he was in Desert Storm. He would not let me "in" during that time, and began distancing then.
I am writing this to not only open myself up for input from those of you with similar experiences, but also for the new people. I had no idea how immature people in MLC can be, or how hurtful they can be despite our best efforts not to antagonize them. Everything is my fault (in his mind), even events that H. put into play. I don't think he feels any consequences for his actions. Since he left, I am feeling almost as badly as I did in the beginning. In some ways it felt good that all of this is out in the open now, and I know for sure what's happening. But it also makes me ill to think of him with someone else, spreading lies about me, and flaunting himself all over with her.
