Sex Drive and Life Style

[LustForLife]

I dont believe in LDwomen. I believe in Relationally LD.

I tend to agree with this also. That's what I meant when I said all sexual relationships will vary depending on the two people's makeup.
But who cares when we are talking about M, right? We are with who we are with and we need to work with what we got.
You are in a great position now to figure out a lot of your own sh*t so that you don't have M #2 self-destruct.
It's obvious from what you have said that your ex was very HD. You were as well until the relationship crap muddied it all up. Typical.
I think others have made some good points that you may want to "take it down a notch" in terms of your views of.....well...just about everything. Not to pick on you, and Nop, and Cobra, but those names come to mind when I think of people who are overly self assure, to the point of self-righteous. Many women will rebel against that as we have seen. Nop seems to have worked it out and kudos to him. But that is certainly not typical.
I am really not trying to be an Azz here, I am trying to give you some constructive feedback. Too much Alpha is the kiss of death. You need to look for happy medium. Maybe that is what IHJ (sorry NJ) meant when she said being with an "ultra top" would eventually cause some psychological damage. She can jump in here and answer that herself. But for now I'll answer for LFL. I think that initial attraction to that type is hard to sustain long-term because eventally, as much as the woman wants to be a sexual "bottom" it would turn her into an unwilling psychological "bottom." Maybe your ex was tired of your strong persona after a while because she was not seeing any vulnerability, care, tenderness, etc. Most women (I think) want and need that.

[blackfoot]

I dont relate cemar to an insult. Whats with you ladies. He basically said a few days ago, 'When I do (fillintheblank) I want sex. When I think about my body I want sex.' makes sense to me.

If he can't accept the fact that I do in fact want sex for the sake of sex fairly frequently then that is HIS problem. It doesn't have to be mine. Really. I think that pretty much sums up the whole Schnarchian philosophy.


Thats exactly what I thought about putting my woman in a 'do nothing' crucible. expecting her to be feminine when I am being unmasculine. just typing that makes it apparent how patently absurd that is. Thank you.
Ms. HD wants her man to be more top. she does it with force of personality. you do it with sex. It is your problem if it is a problem for your SO. If you are not filling there needs, there is a problem.
Your H needs some boundaries from you. He doenst need you to withdraw.

I watched x dance around like water in a sizzling wok. It was not conciously premeditated or intentional.. neither was it differentiated. it was stupid.

[MJontheMend]

our H needs some boundaries from you. He doenst need you to withdraw.

I agree completely. What makes you think that I don't? However, I believe that there is at least a 50% chance that when I set those boundaries he will leave me. If you are more optimistic than I guess maybe you know something that I don't about my husband. Otherwise, you are just promoting some sort of sexist agenda that states that the woman is the one who needs to change her perspective and her desires in order to make the relationship work. Here is how I am different than MsHD. I am going to tell my H exactly what I want from him in clear terms that he can either choose to meet or not. Either he is going to agree to some reasonable compromise of the contract that I offered to Cobra or I am going to leave. There is nothing in that contract that my H isn't capable of choosing to agree to or not. Some of the items I will state directly and others I will simply enact as boundaries if that is possible. I will accomplish all of this by the summer solstice or I will mark myself as a failure, leave this BB for good and continue to suffer in my, clearly, self-imposed misery. What I will not do is try to philosophize or punish myself for wanting what I want. What I want is absolutely reasonable and attainable as long as I don't have the fused expectation that my H wants exactly the same things. If he chooses to leave me because he hopes to find a woman who will honor a better or different contract then that is absolutely his right and I will respect it. If your take on the matter is that I signed a life contract with unalterable terms of unconditional commitment when I was 23 and pregnant then I'm afraid we'll have to agree to disagree. Besides you know that is bullsh*t. I'm sure you could list a hundred reasons that you would think were valid for leaving a marriage but you just don't like mine because it's a little too close to the reason that your IMO totally b*tchy xwife chose. I sometimes get the vibe that you are viewing me as being like her but that just isn't the case because I have never cheated on a man in my life and I never will. It's unethical and it's chickensh*t and I have absolutely no respect for anyone who does it and I knew that when I was 15. My Daddy taught me better than that.

[MJontheMend]

I should add that the other way in which I am different from you wife is that I don't believe that it is reasonable to expect your partner to fulfill your every sexual desire. I think it is ridiculous that you had a "Never Say No" contract. However, I do believe that it is necessary to have some sort of contract that both parties agree to honor or else it is the equivalent of having a "It's alway okay to say No" contract which is equally ridiculous. The 3x a week scenario that I outlined in my proposal is just an example of a contract to which I might agree. If my H were to offer any sort of reasonable compromise I would almost certainly agree to it. I don't know how far back you've read in my history but every sexual agreement that I have tried to make with him he has broken. He is willing to commit to nothing.

[blackfoot]

I dont know if its my style or the new format, but every since the new rollout, Ive noticed posts are not a personable.

I'm sure you could list a hundred reasons that you would think were valid for leaving a marriage but you just don't like mine because it's a little too close to the reason that your IMO totally b*tchy xwife chose. I sometimes get the vibe that you are viewing me as being like her but that just isn't the case because I have never cheated on a man in my life and I never will

I can think of lots of reasons to leave a marriage. Infidelity is way up there. Seriously, If my needs were not being taken care of I would leave. I do.
Ive realized that sex really does nothing to add LU, but the lack of it quickly withdraws them for me.

I dont compare you to x at all, your nothing alike. Is it that time? and if so are you regular so I can keep track of when this is going to happen again. LFL Mojo needs some chocolate.

Your writing style and the obvious discrepancy between your board persona and your IRL one I find highly amusing. Your opinion on x is nearly the same as every female that knows me. The only exceptions are here on the forum. I guess I see her thru rose colored glasses because I just saw a confused spoiled brat. She pulled out the claws a couple times, but she readily put them away when given a choice of using them or being declawed.


back to you.
I will accomplish all of this by the summer solstice or I will mark myself as a failure, leave this BB for good and continue to suffer in my, clearly, self-imposed misery.
This is self defeating. Your placing a time limit on a a equation with endless unknown variables. you dont control your emotions or your H's. Your setting yourself up to fail. you cannot be a failure, in a equation with an uncontrollable factor. thats really negative internal voice. You can get as creative as you want with the descriptors, but its not going to change the human emotions.

What I want is absolutely reasonable and attainable as long as I don't have the fused expectation that my H wants exactly the same things
what you want is reasonable. How you are going about it, not necessarily so reasonable. youve recently come upon a lot of inner value. Invariable that leads to retaliation for previous unreasonable expectations placed on us and being returned in kind with our unreasonable expectations. Thats not taking ownership for having failed to implement boundaries.

What I will not do is try to philosophize or punish myself for wanting what I want. good. I doubt it, but good.

There is nothing in that contract that my H isn't capable of choosing to agree to or not. Some of the items I will state directly and others I will simply enact as boundaries if that is possible your right. as long as he isnt human.

how you implement boundaries is just as important as doing it. If you implement them in such a way that your H is forced to be more top then you in order to satisfy it, then you just nullified everything you told me about looking for a woman that meets you face to face and gives from the ask.

I understand though if thats the case.

[blackfoot]

our 'never say no' contract was based on respect I feel.

during her period, all sex was initiated by her. I did tell her no three times once because I didnt want too, and twice because it was not appropriate. I dont even remember how many times she said no for whatever reason, because it simply didnt faze. When she had girl problems (not her Period) I wouldnt want to. She would. She would hurt after wards and I couldnt stand it.

During the time period when I almost came close to going for my PA, Im pretty sure she was sick of having sex with me. It was wierd I had a really attractive vibe going, we had no emotional connection, it was just habit doing it mostly everyday, and she (im sure) felt something, and stepped up to the plate in the way that she could. Unlike me when she was close to failing. I just continued 'doing nothing'.

[honeypott]

and she (im sure) felt something, and stepped up to the plate in the way that she could. Unlike me

Why are you so quick to protect your x and rip on yourself?

She sensed something going on and did what women have been doing for millenia--used sex to keep her man. Nothing wrong with that.
In a similar circumstance, you did what men do--get violently possessive.

You put a great deal of emphasis on the man leading and how you could have avoided the trainwreck and I mostly agree with this. However, you gotta consider the quality of individual you are trying to lead. Not every woman radiates integrity and strength. That's not to say she's a bitch; it may only mean that she is immature and needs to make these collosal mistakes in order to figure out who she is. Otoh, it may mean that it was never there and it never will be. Maybe you were trying to lead a person who was not built of the strong stuff you thought she was.

I go back and forth on your sitch. On one hand I think Criminately blackfoot, people are human beings not robots. They make mistakes and have weaknesses, even big ones. Otoh I admire your insistence on integrity.

I suppose the purpose of my post is to say Give yourself a break once in a while. And, yes, I'm aware that since that piece of unsolicited advice came from a woman that you will automatically discount it. Don't worry, I'm quite used to that treatment from my own dear nice alpha(beta) man.

[Lillieperl]

Mojo wrote re her H

I believe that there is at least a 50% chance that when I set those boundaries he will leave me.

This man will NEVER leave you. How would he eat, for one thing? You've already established that he can't even make himself a PBJ or phone for pizza. Where would his clean clothes come from? He is convinced he will NEVER find another woman who will coddle him and put up with his moods and his cr@p the way you do.

He also thinks you will never leave him.

OTOH if you DID leave him, I predict that he would be with a new partner within a few months and that he can in fact find someone who will coddle him EVEN MORE than you do, and who will be convinced that his moods are the sign of a deep personality who has not fulfilled his potential because all previous women didn't truly appreciate him. IOW, he'll find someone who is the psychological twin of his mother.

And you will be SOOOO happy that it won't be your problem any more. And you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

[LustForLife]

Or, she leaves him partly out of some twisted desire to see what he would do with himself without her by his side and finds he is functioning fairly well without her. Maybe finding some hot new thing to date. The world did not crumble around him and she decides she really does love him and wants to try again.

I small part of me wonders if this was my H's thought process, even if very subconsciously.

[MJontheMend]

Is it that time? and if so are you regular so I can keep track of when this is going to happen again. LFL Mojo needs some chocolate.

LOL- No. FYI I only get cr*bby for one day and unfortunately I can't tell you exactly when that will be since I don't keep good track since I got my tubes tied.

Your writing style and the obvious discrepancy between your board persona and your IRL one I find highly amusing

Interesting. I would say that the main difference is that I am "on" on the BB and obviously more "off" in less social settings. My BB personality is pretty much like my party or business meeting personality. Also, my personality does become somewhat whacko-fused in relation to my H. One s*cky thing about my relationship is that my H doesn't appreciate my sense of humor because he wants to be the funny one or something like that.

Your opinion on x is nearly the same as every female that knows me.

Well, as I said before, you are clearly a nice boy although I do find some of your theories annoying. Therefore, your X must be a b*tch. Of course, I could look at it the other way and say since you are a nice boy your X must have been a nice girl too and the two of you just f*cked up and should forgive yourselves and move on.

This is self defeating. Your placing a time limit on a a equation with endless unknown variables. you dont control your emotions or your H's. Your setting yourself up to fail. you cannot be a failure, in a equation with an uncontrollable factor. thats really negative internal voice. You can get as creative as you want with the descriptors, but its not going to change the human emotions.

What I meant to say is that my goal will be to implement all the practical steps implied by the contract by the summer solstice. Really I'm not saying anything different than HD telling himself that he will continue to say "I want to have sex once a week". I'm just being a little ch*ckenshitted and giving myself a lot of time because I am dealing with more than one issue that might throw my H into the crucible and vice versa.

what you want is reasonable. How you are going about it, not necessarily so reasonable. youve recently come upon a lot of inner value. Invariable that leads to retaliation for previous unreasonable expectations placed on us and being returned in kind with our unreasonable expectations. Thats not taking ownership for having failed to implement boundaries.

If I understand what you are saying I would think that if what you are saying is true I would feel angry at my H. I don't. I am taking ownership for failing to have implemented boundaries. I can see my own fault here clearly. That doesn't mean that my H will. He may get angry and choose to leave because he will be hurt by the boundaries that I set in the same way I used to feel hurt when he set certain boundaries. I am fully cognizant of the fact that he will almost certainly try to set new boundaries himself if I proceed. You are right to say that I can't thoroughly predict my reaction but I can do it a heck of a lot better than I could 3 years ago. I am more functional and differentiated. No lie.-LOL

What I will not do is try to philosophize or punish myself for wanting what I want. good. I doubt it, but good.

LOL- Well I'll try anyways. I see the light through a haze but at least I see it.

how you implement boundaries is just as important as doing it. If you implement them in such a way that your H is forced to be more top then you in order to satisfy it, then you just nullified everything you told me about looking for a woman that meets you face to face and gives from the ask.

I understand though if thats the case.

I really wish that you would give me a concrete example of how a person can state or get what they want without being assertive. If simply being assertive makes me unfeminine than it s*cks to be a female because I'll never get anything I want in life. If that is the case then I might as well give up on having a relationship with a man and go live alone in my cottage with an orchard.

When I was more fused in my HD I didn't like the idea of scheduling or contracting a sexual relationship because I felt like the need to schedule implied rejection. I thought that a "never say no" contract would be a good thing because it would protect my feelings from ever again being hurt by rejection. Now I think that I was insane to feel that way. There are a lot of good reasons why a man might not "want" to have sex with me. However, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't "want" to have sex. It also doesn't mean that I should accept the equally fused option of a virtual "Always okay to say no" contract because my H's feelings might be hurt because of the implied rejection of his inherent sexuality that a contract or schedule would imply. On one occasion my H said "Don't you want me to want to have sex with you?". The answer is "yes" but the answer is also "yes" to the question "Do I want to have regular sex?". I hope that you understood that the "ask" goes both ways in my analogy. If I as an adult woman am willing to honor a contract that implies that sometimes I might be too fat or whatever to be attractive and sometimes my partner and I will have different fantasies that don't necessarily jive and a certain frequency might only be a reasonable compromise in terms of actual desire than I expect the same from my H. A contract is an agreement and an agreement is two people "asking" and "answering".