H and I had been getting along great. Then yesterday we had a fight. He was trying to make amends, but I was aloof. I told him I needed a little space and that we could discuss things later. He persisted, and I was pushing him away. Then, in the middle of all this, he tells me he's turned on. He goes on to say that he likes this feeling of having to pursue me. He said he'd enjoy it if I am not always available, and he has to work at it. He added, " as long as you do give in and don't reject me too long." So I gave him an eyeroll, but then I started thinking about this whole interaction, that he's giving me a window into what gets him excited, and I should use that in some way. I purposely have been available to him, just going along with things, and in my mind it's been nice. It seems he wants me to create some drama...so do I do this ( which feels manipulative to me) or continue my current nice, loving, non rejecting self?
Yes... you do this for him... I know it feels manipulative, but what he's really asking you to do is 'play' with him. Sort of along the same lines as when I was encouraging HP to tease her H.
Have some FUN with it, NJ. Stretch yourself. TRY different things... be vulnerable a bit... be a KID again.
I actually think you should continue the nice, loving, available Journey, and you both should work on owning your sexuality. But you really cant stop playing too long, (a few months? how long has it been).
In one way it is sort of being mature and radically honest for him to discuss it with you like that. That was a pretty blatant 'ask'.
The mind really is the sex organ. Control your perspective, tease yourself, and you can practically knock you own socks right off. and Im not talking about by yourself
Calling Cobra...Hairdog to Cobra, come in, Cobra.... Isn't this the next level of Schnarch's sexual crucible? Kind of the "role playing" level? Isn't it about pushing your partner to the next level of discomfort, which can create the sexual intimacy necessary for both of you to achieve ... uh achieve ... (trying to remember what Schnarch called it)... sexual nirvana or something??
NJ, I'd urge you to try it with an open mind. I, too, think he was being radically honest with you.
Hairdog, who'd give his left nut (not really) to be in Mr.NJ's shoes tonight. Wait. He probably won't be wearing his shoes.
I recall that he started out with hugging till relaxed, then there was something about how the roles can switch with regard to control and drive, also examples of one person being the polar opposite of the other and that these roles can switch too (“Siamese twins” I think).
I don’t recall any specific progression, but each couple has their own set of issues that they need to discover and work through toward building enough self confidence that each can fully engage with the other without inhibition or reservation. The goal as he called it was to have sex with eyes-wide open which would help to achieve what he called “wall socket sex.”
As I recall, he spoke one feeling like both people merge into one, apparently feeling each other’s breathing, pulse rate, etc, sort of a union of the souls (maybe he was watching too many paranormal shows). Anyway, this was the idea behind my thoughts last week when I posted on Burgbud’s Rumination thread that I thought the ultimate objective was for a couple to become one. That idea seemed to conflict too heavily with the notion of maintaining distance and healthy boundaries and not relying on someone else.
But in Schnarch’s ideas, I see the argument becoming circular. We work on holding onto ourselves, gaining self confidence, acclimating ourselves to our discomfort, so he can stand independently to therefore merge back into one. Seems like an ideal objective to me, but it didn’t go over too well on the board.
NJ- I say do what works. Drama is a 4 thing, too. It's not manipulative if he TELLS you that this is what turns him on. What is at the bottom of why this is bothering you?
Lil, I am more confused than bothered. Drama in my marriage has meant tension, miunderstanding, alienation, etc. Intimacy to me means more peace and calm...a chance to " come together" and heal.
