If I were you I would go to those sales. STOP babying him. He will learn eventually to do for himself. If he threatens to quit his job because he doesn't have a hot meal then say something like, " hmmm well then you will have to figure out how the mortgage gets paid then." It's kind of like maybe he is using this to control you because he knows it causes you stress and keeps you in line. Kind of like him pretending he couldn't hang up his coat.
See my husband also use to act like he was unable to do things. I started working was was doing 95% and him doing 5%. I simply made a stand and told him I am working and also going to school he needs to help. One day I was studying and he came in and asked what was for dinner. I said I don't know why don't you go look, I hadn't planned on cooking tonight I am busy. Ya know what he found something to cook and prepared the meal. I simply stopped doing some thing I use to or don't do them as often. More and more he is starting to step up to the plate.
The problem is not that you have a JJP, it's that you activate it to full blast in response to negative crap from your H.
I really don't feel like I do that so much anymore. Also, I would say that naturally it would activate in response to positive stuff too. Sort of the equivalent of being someone who wants to eat cookies in response to stress but also wants to eat cookies in order to celebrate.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo I completely agree with you about the preferable and the should be part of it. I completely agree with you and cobra about your opinion of me. There is a balance. So I am all for appealing to the woman instead of the girl, but you wont appeal to the woman if you cant appeal to a girl.
When you H bit you on the leg, what was he appealing too?
Well, I think that you and I would be on the same page answering this question but in recent years when I asked my H why he did that he said "I was just being playful, not sexual.".
I didnt ask what he was doing or his opinion. I was asking what he appealed to in you. That being said, Ive 'biten' and had a great reaction, and Ive 'biten' and had a bad reaction. I dont really care. I dont have to do it, I just like to check out the reaction. Either way, it doesnt matter to me. GEL does not like to be tickled. It really irritates her.
all women scream and say stop when you tickle them though.
Chromos wife goes into a sexually unhinged state when he tickles her. It makes her feel her body/ feel owned by her body. I would guess that that out of control place makes her fearful/angry. She doesnt want him to have that power over her. Shes not screaming at chromo, shes screaming in an attempt to override her body acting without her.
Who does a man tell the differance and more importantly how does he make her feel safe enough to go there with him?
Let's say that I am a HD woman who is fully sexual and fully aware of my desire to be dominated sexually. yes. You own your body and are not afraid to go there. You love there. You dont feel lost, you feel empowered.
LFL said I just don't think the "throwdown" technique will work right after GGB just said it did work. just because she has a boundary, or a wall, or a fear in another area lets not lump it all together. I would really like to hear the specifics of what happened and more importantly his reaction to it. Its obvious he is working on it though.
The behavior that makes a woman horny is not the behavior that will make her a reliable pair-bonded sex partner. If you "tell" a woman to have sex with you, you are appealing to her "bottom" desire. I appreciate where you are going with this. The whole post gave me a flicker of hope. If your trying to help me with my issues, thank you, much appreciated, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Whoever originally we were not talking about sex specifically. so Its really a irrelevant point. We were talking about attractive masculinity in general. If you arent attractive you cant appeal to the woman.
"Tell" a girl to have sex with you but "Ask" a woman because as she reaches inside herself for the "Yes" she will be responding to you in a way that is more healthy and whole because she will be responding to the "pilgrim soul" in you, not just the man and that is the sort of sexual response that will last a lifetime. Yes. very nice. sounds a lot like choice to me.
Big sister. And you are in major denial about the other stuff. Ok. big sister. never had one but I would still have pushed you down in the mud. Doubtful about the denial, im more brutal with myself then anyone.
True intimacy and vulnerability require no test. They only require honesty an self knowledge without delusion. Life is not a dress rehearsal. Its a test everyday. Honesty and self knowledge sound delightful. your sitch demonstrates on both sides that intimacy requires a HUGE test.
just another way of protecting himself from getting hurt, then justifying it as weakness on the part of the woman because she couldn’t pass some test. yes it most certainly is. I can be as picky as I want. protection is a part of well being. as mojo is telling me, the 'girls' that become enamored are not viable mates. the ones that dislike my 'do nothing' Im not man enough for. Lets not talk about my issues. Lets talk about garnering respect and attraction from y'alls mates.
GGB (I've told her I'd have to tie her up and bring her to an 'O', to which she's replied that if I tied her up it would be the last time I'd ever see her nekid).
pretty over the top reaction to a little bit of play dont you think? I wonder why that would be. how have you approached it? have you tried something like GGB: (dead serious) Really. ....... ....... You would [i]never[/] have sex with me again, because I wanted to play around and try something differant. Is that what you are saying? Wow. huh. (ponder and let it go) Id be happy to discuss differant ides, (and hear womens opinions) if you want to discuss this more.
He was trying to pierce my illusion that things were okay by letting me know that things weren't okay with him. The problem for me was that there was no way for me to "fix" what wasn't okay with him and therefore no way for me to restore the "happy family life" that I wanted. So my H got what he wanted in terms of rendering me more vulnerable because I, of course, responded by crying but the interaction actually decreased our intimacy or it maybe it made him feel more intimate with me because now I was unhappy too but it made me want to distance myself because I wanted to be happy This is exactly the verbal exchange x and I had that invalidated her. the specifics are the differant but its exactly the same. she was seeking trust and I wouldnt give it. She didnt get over it. I wanted reality and she wanted lala land. she felt hopeless. (severe invalidation) If I didnt trust her there was no point. I believed one thing, she didnt want me too, I did anyways, ....and so she proved me right.
OTOH, I don't think that I should take BFs advice and act LD just to get what I want I did not say that. I said you should be authentic. I didnt say act LD and neither should you act HD when you are not appreciating his behavior toward you. You have tremendous Value. own it and take care of it. I didnt say tell him 'no'. When I went thru a period where I was absolutely sick of having sex with x, I didnt tell her no. I didnt invalidate, and I didnt martyr. I was still not enthused. I dont know how you come off, IRL, but sometimes you come off here, as just wanting sex for sex. I understand, nothing wrong with that. but that could make your H feel insignificant, if its chronic and you make verbal remarks in that same vein.
I learned to MB when I was 12 or 13 by reading a book on female sexuality that my Mom left around the house and did it regularly about 2 or 3x a week x learned when she was 10, on her own, with no books. she MB everyday after that.
The fact that you were ready to lose your virginity at 15 is neither abnormal nor a surprise. Thats slightly above the 'normal' marrying age thruout human history. Thinking people magically become adults at 18, accountable for their actions, old enough to legally fck (depending on the state of course), able to die for their country, but not old enough to drink is the most asinine set of contradictory impositions.
If I do let my little joy juice pump work I can put some of the energy into things like learning how to make pickles or taking long hikes or designing/digging a catfish pond but if I think about my body at all I will want sex
While I dont think cemar would choose pickle making, Im sure he knows exactly what you mean.
That being said, Ive 'biten' and had a great reaction, and Ive 'biten' and had a bad reaction. I dont really care. I dont have to do it, I just like to check out the reaction. Either way, it doesnt matter to me.
Well, I've gotten good and bad reactions to the occasional nip at a bicep that I've taken also. Really, I don't actually bite, more like just testing the muscle with my teeth for throwdown potential. Obviously, I don't HAVE to do it but I really WANT to sometimes. The reaction I would PREFER would be for the guy to pin me down with those muscles and do something similarly aggressive and animalistic to some part of my body. But it's not a big deal if I don't get that reaction. If the guy remains rather passive I would just usually take the tone down a notch and maybe switch to doing something like kissing his neck or licking his nipple. I'm flexible. I like it slow and easy too.
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Who does a man tell the differance and more importantly how does he make her feel safe enough to go there with him?
How the f*ck would I know? If a guy is doing something to me that I don't like I tell him or make the necessary shift or non-verbal communication. That's part of being sexually mature. I also freely indicate when I would like something to continue or if I haven't achieved orgasm if it isn't really obvious. Any woman who can't come right out and say "Finish me off baby" with a smile is not a sexually mature woman IMHO. Why should the man have to take on all that responsibility? I mean sometimes you can tell that the man wants the responsibility like he wants to know that he made you orgasm and I like to sort of relax into that too but to just lie there like a cold unresponsive chicken-sh*tted fish and make the guy do all the work, I just don't get it.
Okay end of tirade. I will try to imagine a man doing something so extremely kinky that it would make me feel unsafe. What could he do to make me feel safer? Well, he could set up things beforehand in a way that made me feel cared for. Get me feeling all warm before he whipped out whatever freaky thing he had in mind. Also, in my experience, it is helpful to me to have some time to think about something beforehand and also it is helpful to know what about the fantasy or behavior makes the guy feel aroused when he thinks about it. It is helpful to have an answer to the question "Why would anyone want to do that?". For instance, let's say a guy wanted to use a giant dildo on me while he jacked off and I didn't get it. If he were to say "It makes me feel like I have a giant cock when I do it." I would be able to get into the groove much better. I would understand my role and be able to find the source of my arousal. ( I should note that this isn't at all a scary scenario to me. I just don't want to shock the audience with anything scarier.)
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I appreciate where you are going with this. The whole post gave me a flicker of hope. If your trying to help me with my issues, thank you, much appreciated, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Whoever originally we were not talking about sex specifically. so Its really a irrelevant point. We were talking about attractive masculinity in general. If you arent attractive you cant appeal to the woman.
You're welcome. Well, it's a two way street. There are some men that I find immediately masculine and attractive and other men grow on me in that way. Because I am HD I WANT to find the masculinity in the man that I'm with. I seek it out and encourage it. Though sometimes I f*ck up in this regard, obviously, it is NEVER my intention.I don't think that there is a HDM on this BB that I wouldn't end up having regular sex with if we were stranded on a desert island. If knowing that is insulting to the man I'm actually with, tough noogies. Grow up. If you want a woman with a sex drive of her own, don't expect her to pretend like she got it from you.
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This is exactly the verbal exchange x and I had that invalidated her. the specifics are the differant but its exactly the same. she was seeking trust and I wouldnt give it. She didnt get over it. I wanted reality and she wanted lala land. she felt hopeless. (severe invalidation) If I didnt trust her there was no point. I believed one thing, she didnt want me too, I did anyways, ....and so she proved me right.
I'm sorry I don't understand this. You will have to be more specific.
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I dont know how you come off, IRL, but sometimes you come off here, as just wanting sex for sex. I understand, nothing wrong with that. but that could make your H feel insignificant, if its chronic and you make verbal remarks in that same vein.
First off give me some credit for being a generally courteous person and in particular a courteous lover. I compliment my H on what I do appreciate about his specific sexuality quite frequently and I don't say things like "Time to give Mojo a c*ck ride." unless I think they will be appreciated in the humorous vein in which they are offered. If he can't accept the fact that I do in fact want sex for the sake of sex fairly frequently then that is HIS problem. It doesn't have to be mine. Really. I think that pretty much sums up the whole Schnarchian philosophy.
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While I dont think cemar would choose pickle making, Im sure he knows exactly what you mean.
If you are trying to insult me by comparing me to CeMar it won't work. I love the guy to death. I would hug him like a ragtag teddy bear if I could.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am ready to sign the contract on the summer solstice if my H has not exercised his option to first dibs. Please let me know if this will be acceptable. I do think there are a few details that need to be worked out vis-a-vis where we will live and other related practical matters. Also, as you noted, I did just sort of quickly draft up the contract. For instance, it was only implied that you would contribute 60% of the income and it might be better if we discussed our level of comfort with some of the sexual preferences we might exchange on our "pick" nights.
Soon to be Yours,
Mojo
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
LFL said I just don't think the "throwdown" technique will work right after GGB just said it did work. just because she has a boundary, or a wall, or a fear in another area lets not lump it all together. I would really like to hear the specifics of what happened and more importantly his reaction to it.
Huh? Am I missing something here? Didn't GGB say he got beamed in the head for the attempted "throwdown" technique? And BF, you cannot just separate the technique from the boundary/wall/fear the woman might have. It's not much of a technique if it doesn't work. That's why I said the LD "issues" need to be at least somewhat addressed before the "throwdown technique" will work. Comparing HD women to LD women is apples and oranges. Same can be said for HD men and LD men. As a woman, I cannot approach a LD man the same way I would a HD man. And neither should men. A sexual relationship is the combination with THOSE TWO people's drives, fears, etc and will vary as much as anything else. Giving blanket advice to people is thus, usually not effective.
right before he talked about getting beaned, which is a fear response on her part he said he had some succes with "I have had some limited success with figuratively throwing her over my shoulder and having my way (e.g. pushing her down on the bed and going for it). ' If I got beaned in the head, I would stop that particular line of effort. I dont think masculinity always means drag her back to the cave litterally.
There are all types, including control freaks, abuse victims, hormonally indifferant, etc. With the exception of hormonally indifferant, I dont believe in LDwomen. I believe in Relationally LD. Now so more then ever. GEL was LD, untill she learned not to be. Thats the norm.
There are all types, including control freaks, abuse victims, hormonally indifferant, etc. With the exception of hormonally indifferant, I dont believe in LDwomen. I believe in Relationally LD.
I think there are many women who are simply sexually immature. GEL's story would confirm my theory also. Our society serves to suppress female sexuality in general and sometimes women really need a break in terms of being with a super-supportive guy in order to get over that repression. I think that is what happened with GEL and the man she was with who made it "easy" for her to be sexual. A woman who is fully sexually mature but chooses to stay in a relationship that makes her feel LD within that relationship will be conscious of why that is happening and free to choose to take action to change the situation or not. For instance, if I was with a man who wanted to have sex every day but always in some sort of "Wham-Bam" style, I would probably start to feel LD but I would know what to do to change that. Of course, my honesty might cause the guy to become LD himself or choose to leave the relationship but that would be the risk that I took in entering that sort of crucible.
When Cobra and I are married, I might find that I am totally turned off by the activity that he chooses for his "pick" night but I think that we are both differentiated enough to deal with me saying with a smile "That really doesn't do it for me but I can tell that you like it so here I be.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Just to clarify, the getting beaned on the head was in response to pinning her down. She seems to have a severe aversion to being restrained, whether it be by pinning or by tying. I've had some successes with the throwdown, but nothing I can consistently hang my hat on, as it seems she has to already be feeling a little randy for it to be appreciated.
Lets talk about garnering respect and attraction from y'alls mates.