I have read several of your posts and I wish my M with my W was as positive with your M with your H. My W and I have been separated since June of last year but I still live in the same house but sleep in the spare bedroom. My stich is in the forum "I'm thinking of Leaving." under the thread, "Winning the Control War with Love."
My W hasn't worn her ring since June. I am making changes within myself and feel better about me. You can only control what you do and how you react. Give up the idea of trying to change your H, you will only push him further away.
Our relationships are where they are b/c both spouses have screwed up. My W likes to control me which only would push me further away and I haven't been happy in 8 years or so. We have 2 children, ages 9 and 11 and both have ADHD. My 11 yr old Son has it worse then my D. Everything I did or say, my W would always find fault with it, and consequently, she crushed my self-esteem. Many times I hated her for her behavior and actions. And I do mean extreme hatred. I didn't like the idea of her hitting me, especially in front of our children. She never apologized either for her behavior. If I made an honest mistake, not intentional, but a mistake by telling her to take an exit to the shore, but it was the wrong exit, she would yell, curse, scream and hit me. She hasn't done that in 4 years though since I sternly told her to never touch me again in anger. Then she tells me last November, that I never loved her. She finally apologized to me in January for hitting me when I brought up a R talk with her regarding her hitting me. I thanked her for that.
I resented her trying to change me and not accepting me as I am, and she resented that I took her for granted and I didn't appreciate her. We were both right for thinking the way we did.
She is considering D but as yet to file. I have made much progress in changing myself, especially after a retreat I went to for 2 days in January. Its hard for me to say ILY to her, but I force myself which isn't the way it should be. Even to say that to her is out of my comfort zone b/c I wasn't raised that way. My mom hardly says it at all. However, if I say it more, and focus on her qualities rather then her faults, I believe the love will return. But right now, I am doing all the work and its frustrating so I know how you feel about that.
But take heart, pray and pray often, I definately see a lot of progress in your R and feel it will work. Just back off for now and give your H space. And I know that is hard b/c its very difficult for me too. But I am committed to make this M work, at least for the sake of our children and that is a start. Eventually, I hope that committment will be for the sake of my W too. CY
