My H and I have been separated for almost 7 weeks although for the past 2 weeks he has decided that he wanted to try to work things out. He told the OW that he wanted to come home and work things out for our kids. He has broke it off with her and me and OW even had a long talk about why it happened. They didn't get together until after we separated and she had separated from her H too. My H has been coming and staying at our home every nite since. He still has his apartment and says we shouldn't move back in together yet. I agreed with him. BUT he is over every nite! Not that I mind, but my problem is he has yet to say I love you, to me. And I haven't said it to him either. I don't want to make him feel like he has to say it and I definitley don't want to hear "I know you do". It feels like we are dating again, like a new love. I am just wondering if maybe he is waiting for me to say it first. I just don't know. He got me a card for V Day and it only said HVD and he signed his name. No love on the card. I did the same thing. Only a funny card. Am I doing the right thing or should I tell him I love him. I really want to hear those words again. He has been planning future things that involve all of us and that makes me feel good. Although after the first couple of days of talking about the R, we only now talk about day to day things. No past R talks anymore. Things are looking up.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
7 weeks is way too soon, it took my H almost 6mths to say it once, and just recently, 10mths after coming back after one tearful (me) convo about him not saying ILY he said "you know I do,but right now I can't say it because if feels forced" .
My point is, and here I'm using words straing from my H (who also had an A) the he had to build on feelings he has and had for me, he came back without loving me, I knew it, he knew it. He also said how it felt odd being loving and ML so soon after coming from another R, and I respect him for that, I see that feelings can't be genuaine after giving so much of himself to ow, then coming back and giving as much to me, it can't happen that way.
When I feel it, I say it, without expecting him to say it back, without making it akward for him. Give your H time, he prob is also riddled w/guilt.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Like Cat says you need to go slow. It took a long time for my husband to say the L word too. And quite honestly, thinking back, I'm not sure how honest it would have been at that time. I think my husband needed the distance to think things over and for us to work on becoming friends again. He also hung onto the apartment for awhile (but I didn't mind because it became our little getaway for "romance" without the kids! )
I know it feels like dating and it can get kind of intense, but continue to go slow and keep having NO expectations. Work on being a great listener, his best friend, and attractive as all heck.
I would love to have that dating feeling. Take what you can and appreciate he is still in your life
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Thanks for the advice everyone. Things are going great. We still haven't talked about him moving back in yet. Even though financially it is hard on him having to pay Child support and his bills. But he put himself in that sitch. He did tell me that 7 weeks ago he never even thought about coming back. The thought didn't even cross his mind. Now, he is staying with us almost every night. Even though I know that his main reason for wanting to come back is because he missed his kids, that's ok, The main thing is that he is willing to work on our marriage. I feel almost like a teenager again, it feels like we are dating again. I miss him and want him there all the time. The only hard thing is that the kids are always around. So we don't get much time to talk. I have noticed alot of changes in him though. Much more communication with each other. It is very exciting! After all this I can actually say that I am glad it happened. We have both changed because of our separation. For the better. Hopefully he will be able to feel the love enough to say it soon. I am willing to wait. He knows I love him.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
it will come, it took months for my H's feeling to come, but I think he finally does love me,and even then he doesn't say it! but I feel it
Make sure you put the kids to bed at a specific time, come hell or high water my kids start their bedtime routine at 9 ( I know some people who's kids go to bed much earlier) but now even my 8yr old reminds me it is bedtime and the little one goes to bed without fussing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Wow, that reminds me of my own sitch! My husband didn't plan to come back either but eventually he did. It can take months and even though the L word wasn't there we developed a nice closeness (very surprising!!! and more real than any word). Well, try to be patient. One thing that helped me with this was knowing I didn't want him coming back through that door until he was ready.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You know, even though we are comfortable being around each other, it is different. We don't act the same to each other. It is better. He comes over almost every night. Usually I ask if he wants to stay over and last night he called and said I want to come over if that's all right. It was the first time he asked. It was nice to know HE wanted too. I want him to move home so bad but then again, it is sort of nice having him come over to visit instead. We haven't discussed anything with our kids yet, but they know that he is spending more time there and they don't really go over to his apartment anymore. My daughter let me know yesterday that she noticed that Daddy slept in the bed with mommy last night. She said that was good, because he had been sleeping on the couch.(he hadn't they just thought that) We don't really want to discuss anything with them until he does decide to move back in. For now we will just let them watch us growing close together again.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
You're in the "honeymoon phase." Enjoy it! I'm still sort of in it with my husband, but also dealing with some of the ugliness that we didn't talk too much about during the separation (it can sometimes rear it's ugly head when you're back together).
As far as the kids, my therapist cautioned me about them figuring out mom and dad slept together. She warned me that it's important not to get their hopes up too high... just in case things didn't work out because that could be damaging (Even though I had a very strong feeling by then that we'd get back together.. we had started talking about it).
I didn't want to take chances so I did try to explain things to them. I told them when you've been married and loved someone for a long time you can't help but sometimes feel very close to them..." "Also, we spend a lot of time together because we're still friends we're both trying to figure things out. Even parents have to grow and learn..." "I can't say what's going to happen, but we still care about you kids very much... yada yada...."
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You know when my daughter said she saw daddy in my bed I didn't say anything but ok, I really didn't know what to say. I don't want to get their hopes up but I really believe that my husband wouldn't be there if he did want to come back. I believe he just doesn't want to rush things by moving back in so quickly. I probably should talk to her about it though. Thanks for your advice.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
)