I think I've finally figured out some key dynamics in our R, and am looking forward to developing a strategy for tweaking some of them in my next session with the counselor. I'm feeling a lot more clarity, but am at a loss as to the best way to address the issues. Or if I should.
I know that I need to give H his space and time...but I feel strongly that he is taking advantage of said time, and is persistently ignoring the significance of our current sitch. H's personality is so comfort-oriented...he does not make changes just for the sake of changing, and displays little desire to really move forward in our R. Really, he's got it good right now: tons of time to work on his projects, a wife giving him space, but providing him with food and fun when he wants it, no parental responsibility beyond fifteen minutes here and there.
Of course, this is all my assumption. Sigh. It's all I have to go on right now.
Where exactly is the fine line between loving detachment and respect? Respect as in: earning H's and my own--I am a notorious push-over. We both know it. H most definitely uses my insecurity against me. I guess for me, this is the part of GAL/180 where I need to make some changes. I just want to make sure those changes are positive ones.
Good news: today he called and asked if I thought he should put off his work trip until after V-Day, which I most certainly agreed would be very nice. He seems quite reluctant to leave (a huge change from pre-bomb), which is definitely a super-positive thing. Yay H!
It's such a fine line. Be patient and focus on what is good in my R, all the while wondering: how long to wait, what to do, what not to do. So many days I feel like a high-spirited thoroughbred, chomping at my bit and nervously sidestepping here and there in my trot to the starting gate, wanting to break free and just RUN, but knowing that God has the reins, and I have to calm down and trust Him. He knows where my life is going, and what I need to get there.
Aud, Just here catching up. You and I are alike, wanting things to clear up overnight. I have been seeing some nice changes in H. His thinking about some things and his daily calls to me. It feels nice that he has quite possibly changed his mind about wanting a D. But there are times that I just want to act like a cave woman....grab him by the hair and drag him back to the cave...and then we know what comes next but we will leave that out of this.
I hope that things are going well with you. Keep your head up and stay focused. You know what you are doing!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Thanks friends, for caring. I've been around, just lurking...nothing has changed significantly in my sitch. There are lots of positives in that H still has not left town, and occasionally comes over to give me a 1-2 hour break from mommy duty. Other than that, he's still enjoying a basically single life, often not calling when he says he will, and I'm striving daily to let my resentment of his current actions (or lack thereof) go.
I realize I am still giving him too much power over my emotions, and I'm working on that. He is highly skilled at manipulating me into avoiding confrontation...he definitely takes advantage of my fear that if I take a stand on any issue he'll be outta here. I'm working on that too.
I am working hard on being open and safe and welcoming without being clingy or pursuing. No R talk, no calling him without real need, really listening when he is around and talking, being encouraging and appreciative for what he DOES do. I feel so much better when he's here with me. It's just not often.
I am trying to reconcile my desire to save my marriage at all costs with my need to get a spine. I have no desire to live the remainder of my life in this limbo--at arm's distance without any love or respect. He's got this whole situation maneuvered so that it is entirely on his terms...coming home, having a real marriage, all of it. Perhaps I am still holding on too tight. Must. Let. Go.
After reading several threads today, I realize that in some ways, I am still pursuing H, which is most definitely fueling my frustration. I noticed one small way today, and promptly quit. Those little habits run deep!
It will do me no good to sit here and pout that he has no respect for me. I need to be behaving DIFFERENTLY. And working harder on my GALing. For ME dangit!
Let's make a deal: you grow a spine and I'll grow a sack. ;-)
I have similar issues that you do.
They can smell the fear in us, can't they? We use non-confrontation as a way, we think, of controlling their behavior. And you know what? We are the ones being controlled. We fear losing our families so much that we choke out whatever emotional oxygen there is in our marriage relationship. We act like doormats, and we are surprised they wipe their feet on us. We have no real capacity for asking for what we want, so they think we have no real desires or emotional depth.
Ouch....I had to say that.
I hate fear, most of all, the fear I see in myself.
Good job and moving with GAL-ing.
I can only tell you what a friend told me:
"You know, I think it's fine for you to talk about whatever you need to, and this is a hard time for you, but it seems most of what I'm hearing is how you are responding to your wife's actions. She does this, or says that, and then you fret. The tail is wagging the dog. You are acting like you are an appendage to her story. The truth is, right now, she needs to be peripheral to YOUR story. When you guys work things out you will be equal players in a shared story. But right now, RIGHT NOW, I want to know, Theoden, is what's your call to adventure?"
You are you Aud31? You are you?
What's so special about who you are?
What, about you, is so precious, that no one should dare violate?
What makes you interesting?
What makes you unique?
What are doing to open your heart?
What are you doing to have fun?
What are you doing that might incease your wisdom, atrractiveness, and personal power?
You've got a deal! I like what your friend said about your story. And yes, they CAN smell our fear. H has even said as much. GAH!
I realize that I've been rushing things (though I feel this has gone on LONG enough)...thinking that we're close to piecing, when reality is, he's no closer to coming home for good than he was six months ago. Life is simply too comfortable for him at this stage of the game.
I am wasting way too much of my energy on him, trying to figure him out, trying to please him, trying to give him what I think he needs. I don't have a problem asking for some of what I want from him, but I'm letting myself feel hurt when he ignores my requests. And of course, I know he's not going to give me the deep things I need, so no, I can't ask. For now, and the past few years (at least), the only person he's watching out for is himself. He's reaching out to do some outward, easy things for me, but has no apparent motivation to man-up and reach for his true potential.
I have come a long way already. I've been able to forgive the past...to the point that I don't allow myself to dwell on it and let it keep hurting me, and I don't hang it over his head. It's over and done. I've made progress in letting go of a lot of my fear. I'm not perfect yet, still practicing, but I do know that I am going to come out of this mess a bright, shiny, sparkling gem, strong and full of compassion and light.
My answers to your questions are posted below. And thank you for asking them. I need to really think about these things more often.
Who am I? I am a beloved daughter of God. I am intelligent and strong and creative and loving. I am beautiful and energetic. I am goal-oriented and successful, continually learning and growing and refining. I am the mother of three beautiful children. Who I am makes me interesting and unique.
What am I doing to open my heart? This. This entire sitch has opened me dramatically. I am currently reaching and stretching and devoting all my energy to healing my R. I think I need to shift that focus more to myself now. Work on my relationship with God, on my relationship with my children, on my relationship with myself.
What am I doing to increase my wisdom, attractiveness and personal power? I have devoted a lot of time to studying. I just finished a book about communicating with kids (which applies to H as well), and am making conscious daily effort to improve those skills. I am exercising six days a week, have dropped three sizes, feel confident about my appearance and look pretty darn hot, if I do say so myself. I am watching for the ways I show neediness and weeding them out one by one. I am seeing a counselor with the purpose of identifying and changing the ways in which I permit myself to be manipulated. I have devoted much thought to what I truly want in life, and have come up with several affirmations that have deep power in my life. I believe that as I focus more on these things, I will attract more of the same.
What am I doing to have fun? I am trying to make more one-on-one time with each of my little ones. I am reading a light-hearted novel. I had a consultation today with an interior-decorator to help me get some direction on decorating projects I want to get going on. (And it felt GREAT to have her tell me I have a great eye for color!) I think I'm going to plan a trip to somewhere tropical with one of my best friends for this spring. I think I may request one evening per week for my H to stay with the kids so I can get out on my own.
LIFE is my call to adventure. I need only to answer the call, and I'll have all the opportunity I need.
