What does it all mean??

[lovelyolive]

HELP! Are we progressing toward anything??????

I'm trying to figure out what my H's actions and words mean. I found out about his A two months ago and during that time, he has been sitting on the fence. I think at first after he told me that it was such a relief and he was on this emotional high. We were getting along and ML with passion... Things were looking up but nothing was changing as far as his R with OW. Sooo, we started getting in more arguments and attacking each other. He questioned me about EVERYTHING to do with our R and I questioned him about everything to do with his feelings for OW. He asked me :Why did I neglect him? Why did I make him feel bad about himself so that he had to seek out affection someplace else? All of the typical stuff they say.

Now, for the past couple of weeks, he has been talking about how he has to break it off with the OW but just can't bring himself to do it. His questioning of me is more of: do I think we can ever work it out between us after all of this pain, etc. In the meantime, we are not ML as often, he still talks and sees OW and they profess their love to each other ALL THE TIME! H acts very distant towards me and most of the time I have to say ILU first now.

I am trying so hard to DB but crashed and burned SEVERELY last week before and after VD. We've had quite a few nasty arguments over the past week where I've mentioned throwing in the towel. In the past couple of days, I've tried to pick up the pieces and start again. Did I blow it??

[cat03]

I want you to go out right now and get 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger

and

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

You'll find many answers there, I promise.

===
His questioning of me is more of: do I think we can ever work it out between us after all of this pain
======
I about told my H 1,000 "our M can be stronger than before" and "it will be all worth it, we can do it", over and over again, he was too scared to think of beginning to heal our M again

========
nothing was changing as far as his R with OW. Sooo, we started getting in more arguments
========
Of course not, things are too caotic beween you two, he doesn't want to go back to more of the same.

[lovelyolive]

Thanks Cat..
I just went on Amazon and ordered those books. You are so right about him not wanting the chaos of us.. Everything is perfect in the OW's world.. No real life stuff to interfere with perfection! I've been doing really well for a couple of days as far as watching my words and anger (anger from my hurting heart and the hurt he keeps instilling!!).

I guess I should look at the positives in that he talks about future stuff with us - even though it's boring future "projects", at least he is still seeing us together. It's just so hard to keep it in check when you know your H is lying and keeping things from you. Sometimes I think that I just want it to be over one way or another..but in reality I just want his A to be over!

[Aud31]

"I guess I should look at the positives in that he talks about future stuff with us - even though it's boring future "projects", at least he is still seeing us together."

Hear, hear. That IS something to hold on to. And yes, it IS hard to keep uppermost in your head when his lies are so much easier to focus on and so much harder to let go.

Sorry it's been so rough hon. Hang on!

[runningoutoftime]

Does your husband live with you? That can make things very uncomfortable and it can be very hard to emotionally detach. One hard lesson I learned is that sometimes A have to "run their course." It's like a teenage couple. If you tell them they can't see each other, often that only pulls them closer together.

As difficult and uncomfortable as it sounds, sometimes you need to give space (and that includes emotionally protecting yourself and working toward detachment). Look at yourself and what will make you attractive to others (not just your husband). And then practice that on your husband. Try to look at it this way, if he wasn't your husband cheating on you, what would you do to try and attract him? You don't lose anything by "practicing" on him regardless of where the marriage goes.

Also, try to have to go out with friends and do fun things. When he's with OW plan fun things with friends, take photos and put them up around the house... start living an excellent life!!!

[ourcrisis]

lonely olive, I also blew it yesterday after days of DBing. H actually came out and said in quite affirmative way that he was trying to end this as soon as possible. Then due to his "promise" to spend one day with her, one little thing led to another and I blew up and it went back to the point where he was gonna leave me right then and there. Fortunately for me, he did calm down and we had a long talk. Now it's still very rocky, but he is still trying to end the relationship, but I NEED to give him space. Which means it will be HELL for me. But I think I am going to do what runningoutoftime suggests, I am going to have fun myself. As my h may not be able to provide that, I will go for friends to look for fun.
You mentioned you have to say ILU first all the time. Yes, that's what it is for now. I have to initiate all the time. Don't you just hate that? BUT just do it anyway, as long as he does not push you away, it's positive. Just have to think of it this way. I have built up frustrations (which caused arguments which set us back), and I am learning to direct my anger/frustration elsewhere. I just found out something yesterday which so far seems to work. When h talks, don't reply with any information, just stay quiet and let him talk, eventhough sometimes there may be a whole minute of silence. For me, he talks more if I just shut up (for the record, I am not a talkative babbling wife to begin with). Not sure if this will work for you, may be worth a try.
Good luck to all of us.

[lovelyolive]

Thanks for the support everyone ! My H does live with me and just tonight said that he almost left last week after my needy few days of begging and pleading. This is quite ironic since I've been asking him for a while why he doesn't just leave if he's so in love with OW and he says that he has no place to go and that he's not ready to do that. Just goes to show you that they can't even keep track of their own lies! (another 180 is to STOP talking about the ow)

I obviously need to give him space as well.. It's just so counterintuitive - I want to pull him closer right now! But, he's come back just adamant now that he is NOT going to break it off. I know it needs to run it's course but it's so hard to see your husband "dating" someone.UGH!!! In fact, he's pretty sure he needs to spend more time with her now to "test" his feelings. It's just NUTS!

One good thing that he said tonight was that he didn't believe anything that I was doing... He feels I'm trying to manipulate him! He's seeing the changes, isn't he? and, it's driving him crazy!

I also like the idea of making myself attractive - not just for husband. That sounds like it could be a real ego booster. I'm going to do just that!

[lovelyolive]

OC,
My built up frustrations are causing arguments that set us back, too... I'm trying soooo hard to work on that one, too

[runningoutoftime]

I remember when my husband lived with me and was in the midst of the A and about to file for D it was really excrutiating. Looking back I think the only thing that would have gotten me through it was to pull away, focus on me and just ignore him. There was a huge amount of tension in the house. It was a big relief when he did move out. But pushing someone out wouldn't be good DBing.

I know this is going to sound callous, but mentally I had to pull away and see my husband as a roomate or co-parent. I also had to digest the idea that he was in some crazy fantasy-land with OW and I had to just let him go work that out. In the meantime I expected nothing from him and just tried to have fun (something I had let slide after so many years of being wife and mom).

Definitely make yourself even more attractive... throw out any ugly underware, get black and red thongs, low jeans and make sure when you're bending down he can see them!!! Get some padded bras and tight low-cut sweaters. Start going out with girlfriends and don't tell him where you're going (dressed to kill!!!). Be mysterious... and try to enjoy it!!! Get your hair done (highlights?), eyebrows waxed, nails done and anything else you can think of. Shop a lot!!! (It's a good idea to start plumping up the "single gal" wardrobe before a divorce! And I'm not saying that's going to happen, but it never hurts to be prepared... and if there's no divorce he'll have one hot wife to show off!!!).

[lovelyolive]

I just vowed last night that I am giving up all expectations of him - good or bad. I told him it's his choice to end our marriage, not mine and that I am in 100% if he so chooses. Do they ever understand what they will lose?? (church, family, home, life, me)

It's so interesting because after being slammed last night about how he was NOT giving her up, he was so much more huggy and kissy this morning - probably because I didn't fight back and didn't try to "talk some sense into him" last night. I just hugged and kissed back and went off to work.. No clinging..

The funny thing about making myself more attractive is that a few weeks ago my H said something about how he doesn't always go for the most attractive woman in the room... i.e - OW is NOT all that attractive - kind of round and frumpy. hahaha! I have already thrown out the ugly grandma undies and bought some new stuff. It has gotten his attention! Have lost about 20 pounds so that helps! He's always called me his hot wife in the past. There are still days when this man can't keep his hands off of me- just not enough of them!

Thanks for the words of wisdom