Hi guys, ltns. Sorry to see most of you still here though.
I'm sorry if this has been covered before, but I reckon this is a MUST read for any couple.
I read this book years ago (recommended by a counsellor)but never really 'got' it until now. I read it the other day again and what John Gray says in this book is exactly what has happened in our relationship. For those of you who have not read it, see if this sounds familiar in your situations (Sorry in advance for the looong post).
"The four R's:
Resistance - In any normal human relationship there will be certain levels of resistance beween two people. Resistance occurs when you notice yourself starting to resist something another person is saying, doing, or feeling. You start criticising them in your mind, and you may notice yourself pulling away a little bit...The way most people handle Resistance is to ignore it and pretend it's not there...If you don't tell the truth about your resistance and resolve it with your partner, those little resistances build up and turn into the second R, Resentment.
Resentment - Resentment is a much more active level of resistance. It is intense dislike and blame of the other person for what they are doing. The other person really starts to annoy you. You may find yourself getting angry over small things, blowing them out of proportion...Resentment is usually accompanied by and internal experience of anger and tension. You are separating from your partner emotionally. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sharpness and hate are all symptoms of stage two, Resentment. If you don't tell the truth about your resentment and resolve it with your partner, it builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.
Rejection - Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment has built up that it becomes impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person, and you pull away. You are turned off emotionally and sexually. You may just say 'I don't want to discuss this anymore'. You may leave the room, you might storm out of the house, or you might just shut down and refuse to acknowledge the other person or pay attention to them. The signs of rejection are: not wanting to be with your partner; always polarizing with whatever point of view they take; fantasizing about other people or having affairs. Rejection is the natural consequence of carrying around stored-up resentment. You cannot be near or relate to your partner without feeling all of your accumulated tension and resentment, so you just push them away in order to get some relief. During this third stage your sex life will deteriorate tremendously if it hasn't already. you may find yourself feeling you still love your partner, but you are no longer attracted to them, you are no longer 'in love'. You may feel repelled or disgusted at the thought of sex, or simply feel you just have no interest in sex anymore. If you believe in divorce, you will probably decide to split up in this third stage...If you don't tell the truth about your feelings of Rejection and resolve them with your partner, your Rejection builds up and turns into the next level of separtation, Repression.
Repression - Repression is the most dangerous of the four R's. It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to 'keep the peace'...Repression is a state of emotional numbness. You numb yourself to your feelings in order to be comfortable. The numbness spills over into the rest of your life. You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness. Life may become predictable and boring - it isn't painful, but it isn't joyful either. You may feel physically tired much of the time...Every time you suppress the complete truth and automatically repress your feelings, your ablility to love decreases."
Taken from 'What You Feel You Can Heal' by John Gray.
I think this book is possibly more relevant than The SSM to be honest, for me anyway. I have totally repressed my feelings and now I just don't care. I have told my H that I want to separate and even though he is devastated, I'm not really that upset. I was relieved in a way. If we had learned to manage our feelings and arguments in a healthy way, we would never be in this position. Bugger.
