I didn't see you request til late, and didn't want you to think I wouldn't reply. I have checked in on you some and have hoped a reconcile was nearing.
First of all I am pleased as punch that you think enough of the poolboys to ask our input. Flattery is nice. I hope you still think so later. Honesty can hurt. Ouch, she thinks, "here it comes".
Seriously, ask yourself why you would ask someone else's opinion or even care, if you already knew exactly what felt right for you. You would in fact write them off for not agreeing, and you still may in this case. But rather than just say it is clear that you want to be talked out of this ...... I expound.
I hoped the reconciling I would be seeing was the wanderer coming home to his family.
Ok, You clearly don't want to go, almost as much as you want to be with him again. Of course it is conflicting. Agreeing to move when you don't want to sometimes happens in life, and in M. Taking one for the team is what some people are raised, or preprogrammed to do. What I see different here, you are not raised for this or preprogrammed for it. You are not just giving in to it, you are asking to be talked out of it. Good for you.
If I sound like I am saying you are caving in, caving in can be ok. If you think you have good reasons for doing it and they outway the downsides, then try saying I am caving in and I don't mind.
You seem to mind.
Your post includes hints and clues for a great mystery. There was a hint that his grand plan is not working out for him, in that it has not made him as happy as he thought. What I mean is, he went up there to change his career life and to make his very existence more meaningful, than ... oh say, staying with his family. He has a job, not a Nobel prize. It does not sound like it is filling all his needs. Be as certain as possible that you will, before you try.
He always wanted you to join him in his adventure. You resisted and made a good life. But you wanted to save your M, be a good person, and recover a lost love with him. Now you lean toward falling on your sword for that love and M. We know you are a good person. What we don't know, is what happens next if this does not make him happy. If this missing piece of the puzzle doesn't satisfy his emptiness, what will that boy do next in his search for answers? Where will you be then?
And there is the answer a business type might give. There is no reward without risk. You seem to be trying to convince yourself that you are willing to be somewhat risk tolerant. You should become comfortable with the risk vs reward balance here for you. If there is some risk this won't solve things for both of you, is there clearly an acceptable amount of reward potential? If the risk is not balanced with acceptable reward, do your math.
Will having you there make his whole life's dream be complete? If you find yourself satisfied in love and miserable in life, will that take the shine off his dream. Will he decide maybe there is something wrong after all? Will he just decide he needs some time and space? We all know there are trust issues in reconcilliation. We know there is fear. There are lots of good reasons for that. They should be weighed reasonably and not discounted easily.
When you share these concerns with him, how does he explain life will be perfect and you will not be miserable?
No one wants you two together more than us. I am sorry about your older girl's issues with dad. She has done very well at detaching to save her sanity. Good for her. She didn't break this and it shouldn't be up to her to fall on her sword. She would not be the first person to detach for some time, see mom and dad work it all out, and get over it. After a great deal of discussion, you two may come to some understanding as to why you are caving in and how badly you need her to get past it.
If you do your soul searching and and find you can't honestly want to do this, but feel you must ... then what is plan-b?
If you tell him you are willing to give it a six month test, what six months give you the maximum chance of success? He is a genius so he will understand that goal. Honestly, if you are going to try it, plan a start date giving you all of the best of their seasons. Don't force yourself to make a move you have conerns about, in the middle of the abyss of winter.
Plan-B probably also requires that he support your need to leave often. You may need regular amounts of vacation in less dismal places, with or without him. Would that be a good measurement of risk/reward. What do you stand to gain in this? Will he be leaving the tundra with you enough to get refreshed?
Don't go if you aren't going to be able to be 100 percent fair and honest about it. There is "Going with concerns but a fair and open mind". Then there is "Going totally full of doubt and regret".
I don't think I answered any questions, and only raised many more. You must come up with your own answers. We will never be shy about providing comments, concerns, or honest support and all our prayers for success.
