I am here again typing about my feelings,,, feelings that are so messed up that I need a compass to find my way out. Sad but true. I have been told once again that he is being nice but in no way has he forgotten that I do not show him love I just talk about it and words , words and words. That he doesnt care about words they do not mean anything to him. It is not that he doe snot care about me it is that I never show him what I feel.
I feel alot of presssure,, I feel like when he comes I will just freeze up like always. I feel like he loves me and I just keep falling short.
it seemed to set him off when I told him I mised him,,, he said they are only words and he does not believe me, that when I have him here I do not show him. And he will not come home right now cause there is no work, there is nothing for him here and he will just be arguing with me,,, Wow. he may as well have slapped me. His children are here,, dont they count at least? Heart breaking really but I will not take responsibility for that. I cant give him love or make love to him thru the phone and touch his soul with my love sooooo.... I guess my kids pay for me being not as passionate as I am supposed to be for protecting myself far too much. For being scrared. He forgets I have had to take at least 2 HIV tests in our ten years ( b/c he shared himself with another)and he had to take a DNA test cause he may have gotten someone pregnant. God please help me to let go and stop this,,
I guess I should have not told him I missed him so so much. That if I miss him when he his here why do I not show it. I said I hace acknowledged that I have done this and I told you why,,, I do not feel so beautiful sometimes,, I feel like I am not good enough for you. ( he has had many affairs) He said it is rididculous of me to not feel beautiful or good enough for him when what do 10 years mean to me?????And Then he throws in my face that I was married before and this is his first M. My first M was horribly painful.. long story and yet it is used as a punishment of sorts for him against me.
I told him when I met him that I loved him but he should go sow his wild oats and I would wait for him b/c I did not want for years later for him to feel like he lost out on something. And this is basically what he his telling me.
He says I make no sense.....
let it go.... I remember almost 11 years ago now when I met him I was different.
I knew I was special,, a lady,, I felt sexy. I felt secure. I felt him and his love was so strong. I dunno how the connection was so strong. I could not help but fall in love with him. I had never met anyone so special like him. He made feel flawless like a priceless gem. he lifted me up and I guess It felt so good. I was in tune with my sexuality and I loved to show him how good he made me feel by making love to him. He was so good to me and I trusted him like no other...... I get a little of that old me and I can feel her coming back some but I need to find her faster than that and just let myself be me. I am scared I will never get that back so so scared to be honest.
Perfect strangers actually walk up to me and tell me I am beautiful,, But I really and truly do not feel that way all the time. Most of the time I feel like I am not enough and I am so damn sick of it.
I bare my soul to him and he says my feelings are ridiculius,,, ok.
I think I am focusing to much on that he is my H. And expecting him to lift me up when I fall and then if he should fall I can likewise lift him up. So like someone wise here once told me treat him like your boyriend and just let go.
I think I will adopt that mentality again for awhile. I feel so let down when my H of ten years would tell me what I feel is ridiculous when he hears my feelings and yet when I hear his no matter how ridiculius they may seem to me I validate them and get up and try harder.
I will keep trying to find me and keep building myself up and I will see if I can get it right.
Is it possible that even if I surrender and make love with abandon he will still keep his heart locked up?????
Make love with abandon and then get hurt again???? I guess I will just need to surrender and let go and if he does hurt me again at least I will have beautiful memories...... letting go of what he MAY do is the hardest part for me... I need to look at is as though we have just begun..... and explore him and just do what I want to without hesitation.
I keep talking over and over about the same damn thing..... Let it go ... let it go....
STOP BEING AFRAID.......... is it ok to love me and love me some more. It all boils down to just that.
