In our own minds, we have each done this. Hence the gridlock and the necessary separation.
But what was it that you thought was important… to be right? That has to be the only answer because otherwise you wouldn’t be in gridlock.
That's crap Cobra. You said yourself back then that if it was going to have a large negative impact on my financial situation, then you could understand why I would refrain. Everything I do isn't a freakin power play.
I was under the impression that you would be taking a substantial financial loss to sell your truck since initial devaluation of new vehicles is so high. Based on what you say now, I don’t think a 2,000-3,000 loss will break you.
That's not fair at all Cobra. Especially coming from the person who wouldn't even put his wife's name on the title of some material possession you guys had, if I recall correctly. Unless of course, you're saying you've learned your lesson and have rectified that plus bought her a 2 ct anniversary ring, because afterall, isn't it love that's most important? Love does NOT equate with money. Period.
Your recollection is correct and I still have not granted community property status to the down payment money my parents gave me. My W has said she is (or was) trying to gather enough money to eventually D. I take her at her word on this, until I see strong evidence to the contrary. I have consistently told her that if she commits to this marriage, I have no problem sharing everything with her. That commitment on both of our parts still comes and goes. Until I find it is secured on both sides, I will not make divorce easy for her. So for now, the down payment stays as separate property.
I don't like the way this sounds and I don't feel like I've been engaged in power plays, at least not for the sake of feeling powerful. I've been trying to stand up for my rights in this M while simultaneously being repentent for mistakes. That's a very, very difficult thing to do because sometimes the paths to those objectives oppose one another. I've done the best I can and I don't care what you think about that.
And guess what, I hear this as I bet your H hears this… its all about you. I fully understand that you don’t think you engaged in any power plays, that you were only protecting yourself, yada yada yada.. but he seems to have another POV, doesn’t he. And he won’t acknowledge yours. To be happy and not right means acknowledging his POV, whether you agree with it or not. Doing that makes it sound to him like your focus is on him and not on you. You still want to be right.
Cobra, I have not come to any stark realizations. I have not 'opened my eyes' because they were never closed!
OK, if you say so….Perhaps this is where I made a major misjudgment in replying to you. My bad.
I said that I have found I am more able to act from a place of love when I am doing it out of free will, not because I've been made to feel like I have to in order to get by.
That sounds like your issue, not his. From his perspective, how is he to tell the difference? How will he know whether he “made” you feel one way or another? Is he to blame for not being psychic? Should he really be concerned with the internal argument you have going in your head?
Well, if you still agree with what you wrote back then, maybe you weren't 'seeing' either. Maybe none of us are seeing. Maybe we'll all just stumble through this life holding onto our selfish agendas and pulling our little power plays.
I’m pretty sure none of us see ourselves very well, but I think we see each other pretty clearly. Best of luck to you.
Please cut Heather some slack while she goes through an incredibly difficult time. She has a full plate right now and needs support.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Dear Blackfoot, Loved the "what makes you think I respect you now?" Can I use that without attribution?
It weirds me out when guys call me Dear. Im not sure if they are trying to get in my pants or are taking aim to make venison stew..... Nothing I say is unique or copyrighted. Knock yourself out with it. I post that stuff so people can get a feel, or see there is always another option besides either negative pushing or needy pulling. That is an -honest to my feelings --reply.
some other optional replys would be [derisive voice]'Fck NO I dont respect you. now come over here, lie down, and stop talking so much'... or {whiny voice] 'Of course I do, your the greatest ever. Let me prove to you how I respect you. [lielielie somemore].'
For example Burg's reply .. " asked if I respected her and I said, "If I didn't respect you I wouldn't be here." would not be the truth if I said it. Id have to wait for 2-3 years to have sex with a woman to say that honestly.
So your welcome to use it, but I think it would suit you better to say your own truth without being a Ahole or a handbag. besides if your here thats not really a relevant issue if your in a LTR. The ladies here just wanted to throw their best test at me, and have some fun, so I obliged.
Heather,
I'd just like to say, that is not always true
x was brutally honest with me about this stuff. she got plus 25 points for the honesty. minus 200 points for the mental imagary, and minus 300 points for the indecision, which prompted the betrayal. sum total = negative 475 respect points.
Do you mean she didn't know if she wanted to be with you or OM? yes Did you make it clear to her that you still wanted to be with her? I made it clear I did NOT want to Just tell me if you don't want to answer any more of my questions, I'm just interested. Over what length of time did all of this take place? 4 months preA, 3 months seperated (dark), about 50 days with 12 contacts (gray), 4 months reconciled, 6 months seperated with 1 week of contact in the 5th, for her to D.
Heather I havent been relating bits and pieces of my sitch for the past few months relevant and equivalant to yours, just to have something to talk to you about. Ive been doing it so you could see another perspective. Read the sitch backwards. Extrapolate. Ive talked more about me and my sitch in your threads, then I ever wanted to on this BB. Honestly I feel like I failed miserably at my goal w/you. Dont worry about that, its not your problem or fault, and I learned learned something too. So thanks to you for the unintended lesson. Failing is the best way to learn what doesnt work.
Im going to let Nop handle this now. I would like to see you use a DB coach over the C you have been using. Im over here hoping good things for your kids, I know youll get what you work towards. Its who you are. Ill be Cheering you on from the sidelines.
Burgbud, please pass the cookies. Maybe a Twix will work..
the notion of you hanging around this thread to keep me in my place doesn't concern me.
Thank god for that. I find you really sexy when you do that.
(If you really want to know, Im very unhappy about it actually. I had a fantastically hilarious reply to the other post, and youve gone and spoiled it by acting classy. Damn you. Thwarted again.) Anybody see where fearless went? I need somebody to pick on now. Just cause Burgs acting all classy, doesnt mean Im about to start. With a name like that, surely she can handle my crap.
Heather I havent been relating bits and pieces of my sitch for the past few months relevant and equivalant to yours, just to have something to talk to you about.
I abosolutely don't know if you're saying that you basically posted because you felt some obligation to me or what.
Im going to let Nop handle this now.
I guess this is your way of saying 'bye, you're a lost cause as far as I'm concerned'.
It's ok. It's time I made my own way anyway. I sincerely thank all of you who've tried to help.
Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Not to speak for BF or anything, but I read what he posted to you as saying "my xW's A and our subsequent D was very painful for me, but I thought I might be able to help get you to see different perspectives by relating my feelings and actions to you."
Nobody is giving up on you here. But everyone is struggling mightily with our own situations and that is bound to bleed through in what we post to you. Cobra is taking a very agressive approach in his M, so here he is being very agressive with you. I'm Mr. Placater, so here I am ... ummm ...
The deference to NOPkins is because he is a success story, and because it is plain to see he has spent a lot more time than anyone else here researching and thinking about A's, their after-effects, and plans to deal with them. While those of us who did have A's think about it a lot, he has the unique perspective of an "outsider looking in", i.e. not having had an affair himself, he can look at the situation more objectively than someone who has.
No one will give up on you. We all care about you very much, especially since you are at such a pivotal moment in your life. I know I fear giving you wrong advice, so I'll just relegate myself to the occasional pat on the back and "keep the faith."
I wish you the best,
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Because emotions run high here, and we are all massive overanalyzers.
Absolutely. To say that I am overly sensitive right now is probably the understatement of the year. I had a very rough night last night and I feel raw, like I'm walking around naked or something. But I can't expect everyone I come across to smooth my hair and tell me it's going to be ok. I realized today that I haven't been hugged since my sister came to visit three months ago. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this without good friends or family. No clue.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I have no idea how I'm going to get through this without good friends or family. No clue.
Heather, you have good friends, and you have family. Draw on your resources...this is the time to be a taker and not a giver. You've given plenty and you'll have more opportunities in the future. Let your people support *you* now.
I understand how powerful a good hug can be. Will your parents or another member of your family come down and stay nearby for a while? If all else fails, I know a feisty Italian db'er in Richmond (Jennbird) who would understand what you're going thru and who's an A+ hugger. I know she'd be happy to support you if that would be useful.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I know she'd be happy to support you if that would be useful.