Seems as if I am the one to make the move. I cannot explain why I am not insisting on H returning. Maybe I don't think he will. Maybe he shouldn't. He seems soooo enthusiastic about me and d9 living there with him that all our problems will be solved and I "will see" that all is well. I want to believe him. I really do. Yet, as I sit here in a place I always wanted to live, and H knew the first date we had that I wanted to end up here....I feel great sadness about leaving. I mean I am really DOWN right now. So sad to leave here, sooooo sad to go there..... no matter what I do, my summer will suck and the next year will hurt me. Another year of pain, just different separation issues--from my d17 to whom I am very close, especially since H left and its' been just the girls--and so afraid to do wrong by her.
D17 has gotten the short end of the stick in big ways. s21 had H around thru high school. H left summer before D17's junior year, although he visited often in his mind. Went to the tundra just before her senior year, last summer. So only sees us 6 weeks a year plus when we go. Expecting to take both d's to see H in 2 weeks.
No word on big time job up there. Stared at job listings and saw NOTHING of interest to me. H says for me to take the bar exam there, I graduated law school 20 years ago....and I don't want to do it even without a bar exam.
Why is he telling me what to do and where to live? Jesus, how am I letting myself take this crap? And yet, when talking with him I get that he really wants us there....
I hate the idea that I'm "caving in" and yet, I also hate the idea of pride being a factor in my choice. Plus, I want to be rational. When I think of the winters there and the bleakness I experienced, I get nearly clinically depressed. Granted, the town we lived in was small and where H is now is the only real city there. And it's prettier and not quite as insanely cold. But then, what diff does it make to me if it's 15' above 0 or 15' below? It's 75' where I am now. We have friends. I am directing a show my own daughter is in. I will never have this type of experience again and I feel such a sense of pending loss. Cannot tell how much is losing d17 to the world/college and how much is the possible move so very far away.
Also, wonder how a man who loves me, could force this choice upon me. Dang, I feel really bad. Could use feedback. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
