Muddle, I just picked up a new book myself. I have to put it down after every few pages cuz I keep saying "that's me" or "that's her" or "that's us"! It's friekin me out a bit. It's called "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" (sounds good so far, doesn't it) by Patricia love and steven stosny, it has the Michelle seal of approval! When I browsed through it, it seemed like every page I turned to had something I could identify with. One of the ideas it puts forward is that we respond to shame and fear. Woman get closer by showing vulnerability and men are afraid of it. If my W is vulnerable, scared and anxious then I'm not doing my job! I don't like that so I correct her, get angry at her and avoid hearing about it. We feel we are responsible for her anguish because we are supposed to be the protectors and, obviously, we are doing a piss poor job! This rings really loudly in my head re your R. W is always busy shaming you, probably without even realizing it. I can relate to all this stuff myself. Even in small example in the book, W says she feels cold in the house and H answers "how can you feel cold, it's 70 degrees!" He feels he is being a lousy protector, she isn't supposed to be cold if he's doing his job. It's weird cuz I do that all the time with W, she says "it's cold in here" and I say "I don'f feel cold." Why? Somehow, as the book says, I feel it is my responsibility to make sure she isn't cold, yet I've failed! I often get irritated at her remarks which seem blown out of proportion. Why? Because I feel inadequate if she has complaints cuz somehow I was supposed to make her feel happy, secure and protected. That's why I'm so irritated when she does that, I've failed her. That's not her saying so, that's me! The authors feel that males and females must become more aware of how these remarks are interpreted by the other in relation to fear and shame. Anyway, that's in the first 20 pages. I'm going in, if I'm not back soon come in after me, Muddle. You might find this an interesting read.
