Piecing Advice

[Rob1231]

Hey SD, gonna play Devil's Advocate for you for a sec...

Yes, I do feel like it's my turn, and I sort of resent H for being all comfortable...

So, how would you LIKE for him to be feeling and acting? Fired up about his recommitment to the M? Guilty? Dedicated to his own personal growth spurt?

...when he caused all this commotion in the first place.

He did? All by himself? I believe that, by definition, every sitch here was co-created by both parties in the relationship, regardless of which partner's problems came to a head first (in the form of a MLC, affair, or whatever.)

[inspiredjulie]

Ahhh.. the rollercoaster continues. I for one am thrilled you are keeping your sense of humor.

So, SD... if some of us were in your neck of the woods, would you be interested in hooking up for dinner or drinks??

I didn't get your email... try my other email: [e-mail]

Thanks.

[SDFoundGirl]

D@mn Rob....God I hate it when people talk logic. I'm just *saying* that he could have handled the whole thing a lot better (in my mind). I guess I want him to feel like sh!t, but not really. I want him to have perspective. I want to be out of this stupid hell I'm in where I'm jealous that he's all comfy in our R and I'm still walking on eggshells. Still waiting for him to flake, to be the alien. Does that make sense?

Julie: my email is [e-mail]. I'd definitely be up for meeting up for dinner/drinks if y'all were around. I know Shoe is out here somewhere, but I'm not exactly sure where....

I need to switch my iTunes song...Crowded House's "Better Be Home Soon" is playing. It was such an anthym for me this summer as I grew in self-confidence. Still is to a point....

Anyway, it makes me dwell. I need not to dwell...

SD

[Rob1231]

D@mn Rob....God I hate it when people talk logic. I'm just *saying* that he could have handled the whole thing a lot better (in my mind). I guess I want him to feel like sh!t, but not really. I want him to have perspective. I want to be out of this stupid hell I'm in where I'm jealous that he's all comfy in our R and I'm still walking on eggshells. Still waiting for him to flake, to be the alien. Does that make sense?

H3ll yeah, it makes sense! I feel the same way sometimes - Gee, honey, do you think you could have found some better way to express your unhappiness with your life than to dump it all on me and go have an affair? Yeah, I guess I get your drift!

But we are where we are. We have just two choices now - let go of the past and move on to a better future, or cling to the past and be stuck forever. Hmmmm - as usual, the more fulfilling, personal-growth-oriented choice is also the more difficult one to do. And, of course, this choice isn't really about our spouses at all, is it?

Ah, so. The path of enlightenment for the DB Master continues.

[bjean0512]

Hi
I posted a few months ago. My husband and I hit rock bottom yesterday. He hurt me once mad a selfish decision and broke my heart. I don't want to leave, I love him, but how do I heal my broken heart, how can I learn to trust that he won't hurt me, that if I give myself back that he won't exploit me and respect me for who I am. We have two little girls and I don't want to break their hearts. Can someone help me put the pieces back together?

Where do we start?

[Rob1231]

Hi BJean, Two bits of right-off-the-bat advice:

First, start a thread of your own in the "Newcomers" forum - that's the best way to get people to see your situation and respond.

Second, go get a copy of Michelle's book "Divorce Remedy" (it's a little newer than "Divorce Busting") and read it. That will give you a big head start.

Best of luck!

[whapu]

Sd,
You are getting what seems to be great advice from rob. Rob seems to be the man!
Sd, you are always telling me to let go of A, resentments and such...are you sure you are listening to yourself. Again, you are a tower of strength and compassion. I just thought I would remind you because you help me tremendously. Someday I will return the favor....peace...

[S4N]

H is in a funk b/c of his work, and instead of yelling, "Well then, DO something about it!" I'm just validating and staying out of it. It's not my job to fix his life.

This is exactly the right attitude. One thing that is hard for Ws is to step back and NOT fix things. Validating and letting H be a man and handle his issues is the perfect reaction!

Sorry I am not completely caught up on your sitch so I can't comment further. As I was snooping this comment really hit me because since I have used the same approach, things have gone much more smoothly and H talks to me more.

[Jen_Jam]

SD, I know how this feels sooooo much. You're doing a great job of not fixing H (I used to do that a lot - now I leave him to sort himself out, if he needs my help he'll ask) and also of GAL'ing.
This feeling will pass in time, have you both sat down together (I know you're in MC) and discussed how you are going to tackle the future together? My H seemed to be open to that kind of discussion cos it took the focus off the past and the mistakes we'd made and onto a positive thing - ie building a happy life together.

[Jen_Jam]

Just another quick thought - in Jan I realised that our living room was bringing back awful memories (of me sitting there wondering and him not saying a word). I can't move house, didn't have time to decorate but went out and bought a few new cushions, a throw and a lampshade, chaging the colour scheme of the room and moved the furniture about a bit.
It helped a lot and I felt a lot better.
Is there anything you could move about in your house? Sometimes just seeing rooms being a little different can help.