Sex Drive and Life Style

[MJontheMend]

Just because you think you were a good “mother” to your H doesn’t mean who were. You might have been playing mother, but I think you were an enabling mother.

I absolutely agree. That is what I was trying to say I thought that I was being a good wife but I was being a bad wife because I was weak. The problem with trying to be the "strong mother" is that it's too easy to come off as Alpha in that role because you have to demand respect which works with children but not with grown men with whom you want to have sex. BF is absolutely right in that regard. Although he is wrong to believe that simply changing my perspective about my H will work. There is just no way that I can see my H as a strong male when he behaves in a manner that is irresponsible to the extent that it makes me worry about the welfare of my children. Like Chris Rock says "If the kid doesn't know how to read, that's the Momma's fault. If the kid doesn't know how to read because there isn't any electricity to read by, that's the Daddy's fault.". See, I told you I wasn't a feminist.-LOL.

Anyway, I actually am pretty much doing what you recommend. For instance, my H constantly complains about a few health problems that he has interfering with his work so I suggested to him that he make it a priority to follow through with health care providers on these matters rather than procrastinating and I offered to make the appointments. So I'm trying to be sort of the pro-active "Mom" who in response to "I'm too tired to do my homework." says "Then go take a nap right now and I'll wake you up in an hour and then you will do your homework.". My nice "Mom" side even remembers to supply some cookies and milk.-LOL.

I can see that would relax him, but I don’t see how it would help him get over his anxiety or lack of confidence. Perhaps seeking advice from a recruiter on how to present yourself in interviews, how to dress, how to stand, shake hands, etc., would have been more valuable and a better confidence booster.

I also discussed with my H that maybe he should start seeing a life coach or a job coach. I think he found the idea embarrassing but appealing at the same time.

As a side note, it seems to me that blue collar or staff level people tend to be very stationary in terms of where they live. White collar, managerial or executive level people tend to move a lot and sometimes move often. If there is no work where they live, they find a job anywhere in the country and move. Maybe you and your H should open the door to all possibilities regarding his career. Staying close to old friends and families may not be helping your marriage, KWIM?

Well, my business brings in over 40% of our income so there are some difficulties. I can move my business but not just anywhere. I would even be willing to do something new if there was an opportunity that really excited him somewhere I couldn't move my business. If he said "Woman, I hear there's land for the taking. Let's go out west!", I would go, though my motivation would probably be at least as much Type 7 greed for new experiences as "follow your man" instinct. However, realistically, we do have two children to put through college so our options are somewhat limited. Also, I should note that although my H does have a degree in education his current work is in a high demand blue collar field so he can get work virtually anywhere if he doesn't change careers.

Perhaps the problem with you holding the stick is that you really don’t want to, and as soon as you can, you drop it and go into your “rescue me” mode, before he has even had a chance to stabilize himself.

No, my problem is that I go into "Momma Bear" mode. I am only willing to spend so much time teaching a cub to fish before I abandon him to his own devices. I value independence too much to not try to allow other's to develop it, also I'm lazy. With my own children this generally works well -not so much with my H. He hates the lack of attention so he goes into a dysfunctional mode which puts me into the "rescue me" mode. Note: his real mother is a total Type 2 rescuer martyr type.

I would hope you wouldn’t have to do this forever. In fact, part of you swinging that stick should be that there will be a time when you expect him to stand up like a man and support you.

I'm almost tempted to just drop on purpose in the hopes that he'll reflexively catch me but I can't do it as long as I have to be a responsible adult for my children.