Harmonic Divergence

[Lord Grenville]

Hi visible friends, I really appreciate your support, kind words, and especially good advice! I say "visible" because it is so clear that you bring all the best qualities one can hope for in a friendship.

I have never felt such a wide expanse and swinging of emotions before in my entire life.

My wife took am Amtak train to Boston and a bus to Newburport where I picked her up last night. We made small talk in the car because I wanted to wait until we were home and I could make eye contact with her. She made small talk most likely because she was hoping "my irrational fears" from the day before could blow over. She continued to talk cheerfully over her trip, not even making any references to our phone conversations while she was in the hotel room, most likely with the OM.

It was getting late, but I said there were a few things we needed to talk about. Her expression changed to one of dread. I said, "I want to tell you what I know at this point, and I hope you will be honest with me and fill in any gaps that may not be correct."

M:"I know about B.R. (I won't use the OM full name here)and I know you both were together on December 18th, when you went to the conference at Concordia College. I also know that he lives only 6 miles from the campus and I imagine that this was an emotional affair that has most likely turned into a physical affair in recent days."

My wife was stunned. Her first reaction was not to deny it, but to instead ask: "where did you get this information". I did not indicate how I got the information.

She then said what everyone here and I expected: "We're only friends." At that point I was getting really emotional. My whole body was trembling and I reached over and placed right in front of her, so she could read the cover to the book: "NOT JUST FRIENDS, Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity".

I told her that I had been reading this book which describes how friendships quickly turn into emotional affairs, and then often progress to physical affairs.

She then asked again: "Where are you getting this information".

I said: "When you went down to the conference on December 18, you knew that we had already scheduled our first marriage counseling session for Dec 19. The very next night when we began to talk to Sherry (our counselor) you said "I need to be honest with you" and that "you needed to have some time alone".

W: "I did say that, because I do need time alone.

M: "Seeking out an affair is not creating time alone. I cannot believe you said you needed to be honest with me, and then continued to lie and decieve me over the past weeks."

I then begin to ask questions about OM, and she began to get angry. She said: "I don't like the way you are interrogating me"

I was not yelling or being domineering - I was just asking questions that she did not feel she was preparded to answer.

She said: "I do not feel I can answer any more questions until we are talking with sherry together on Tuesday."

I told her: "Last night I was thinking of just going straight to divorce court because I cannot accept this kind of betrayal. And If we do divorce, that will end everything. I will not continue to be in your life at all."

She looked really shocked at that statement and began crying.

I said I know it is late, and we are both very tired. We can talk more in the morning.

We hugged and I asked her if she felt o.k. about sleeping in our murphy bed together if I kept to my half of the bed. She asked if I would prefer her to sleep on the sofa, but I told her I would rather sleep next to her.

I think it was quite awhile until we could fall asleep, but I had turned the very loud HVAC system fan on to manual setting to give us some white noise to blanket our thoughts and restlessness through the night.

The Morning....

I suggested that she might want to start organinzing her personal belongings today, because if she does not open up honestly in our counseling session, or agree to end the affair, then I would like her to move out in two days.

She looked shocked to be finding herself in this situation, where she might lose everything that she was only days ago, fantasizing about maybe moving on from in the future.

She decided she would take the train down to Tufts University to work on class preparations for tomorrow. I suggested that she call her brother and see if she could stay there tonight, and then we will see each other for counseling on Tuesday night.

At the Commuter train station, I told her: "I love you, and I really hope you will decide to be honest when we talk with Sherry
tomorrow night."

So that is where we are right now.

My intuition is telling me that if she verbally agrees to end the relationship with OM, that I would ask to participate in composing an e-mail with her to OM ending the relationship, or listening in on a phone call to her OM ending the affair.

Then of course is the huge problem of the broken bond of TRUST.
I would need someway to confirm that she is not continuing contact with OM through e-mail, phone calls. etc. Even if she was willing to give me the password to her G-mail and work e-mail accounts, she could easily set up a new account with another provider, so I don't think it is worth asking for her passwords.

Do you think I should push for an immediate separation if she is not clearly ending the affair? I would like her to know that she is risking losing me from her life. But the truth is I would like to be able to apply DB principles in my life, and let the OM get jealous and controlling.

Any advice on these topics would be welcomed.

Thanks,

Marc