I feel like this is what I've mostly been trying to do for the last 19 years and it hasn't worked. It's like I've been force-feeding him Dr. Laura's Big 3 (feed, f*ck, admire) in an effort to get the "work his heart out for you" on the other end and I've only ended up making myself exhausted.
How is this any different from the men here who have been putting up with their W’s crap for years and are now told to do it even longer, except to do it in a different and more effective way? Hairdog is still putting up with his W, but now he is doing it from a more alpha perspective, so there is a chance things could change.
Just because you think you were a good “mother” to your H doesn’t mean who were. You might have been playing mother, but I think you were an enabling mother. After years of this type of conditioning, it will be hard for him to see the difference. The good thing is that he is a rational adult, he seems willing to discuss these things with you, and open minded enough to see your point. His problem does not seem to be with recognition of his faults (the same goes with you), but in having the strength to push forward rather than slip back into old patterns.
In one of my more dysfunctionally HD moments many years ago, I gave my H a BJ in order to relax him for a job interview.
I can see that would relax him, but I don’t see how it would help him get over his anxiety or lack of confidence. Perhaps seeking advice from a recruiter on how to present yourself in interviews, how to dress, how to stand, shake hands, etc., would have been more valuable and a better confidence booster.
I guess I've come to the conclusion that if a woman goes into overdrive on following the Dr. Laura type rules than it works out to be the same as a man being supplicating.
Don’t get me wrong, your H is in dire need to growing up and becoming a man. Its like he is stuck in adolescence. Dieda would help him a lot. I also think he needs to get serious about his career, even if it means selling the house and moving to another part of the country. As a side note, it seems to me that blue collar or staff level people tend to be very stationary in terms of where they live. White collar, managerial or executive level people tend to move a lot and sometimes move often. If there is no work where they live, they find a job anywhere in the country and move. Maybe you and your H should open the door to all possibilities regarding his career. Staying close to old friends and families may not be helping your marriage, KWIM?
OTOH, I don't think that I should take BFs advice and act LD just to get what I want (especially since sex is part of what I want.-LOL).
No, I wouldn’t do that either, but I do believe your HD state may change with your relationship.
Though maybe the point both of you are trying to make is that I should be more Mom with the stick than Mom with the carrot.
I think that if he can see you wielding the stick out of love for him, he will not take it badly. Perhaps the problem with you holding the stick is that you really don’t want to, and as soon as you can, you drop it and go into your “rescue me” mode, before he has even had a chance to stabilize himself. That can feel like pressure to him, in the same way women complain that their H is waiting for sex, watching and judging them. It turns the women off, so I would think it could turn off your H as well.
Definitely not an appealing or natural role for me.
I would hope you wouldn’t have to do this forever. In fact, part of you swinging that stick should be that there will be a time when you expect him to stand up like a man and support you.
