I GET IT. 6 years is a long time to not feel happy. But the fact is your H cannot make you happy darling. Happiness comes from within us. That's why a lot of us here keep telling you to focus on yourself.
When I asked you about your Chillaxing activities, (GAL activities), you came up short. Sitting on the couch eating chocolates doesn't count! Sorry girl. I meant more along the lines of taking a yoga class, a belly dancing or aerobics class at your local gym. Hanging out with your fav. girlfriend on a Sunday afternoon minus H and S. Visiting an aunt or elderly friend just because. Window shopping in a swanky part of town. Reading books, journaling, taking a short story writing class at your local adult ed center...or a cooking class.
Remember that your H can only contribute to your happiness so far, the rest is up to you! Think about it! If god forbide your H dies tomorrow, would you be condemned then to a life of unhappiness and misery forever? And what if you never found another man to be with? What would your life look like being single and alone? Eventually, a lot us will be alone, might be when we're 90, but still. So what then, you're going to be a sick, mopey, depressed 90 year old? Or could be 70 year old. Life is unpredicatable.
I know where you're coming from in a way. In my own M with exH, I was constantly looking towards him for happiness. My whole day began and ended with being with him and looking towards him for validation not only for myself, but even for the purpose of my life. I thought HE was the purpose of my life. I really lost myself in the M and got resentful. My fav. chillaxing activity at that point would have been sitting on the couch watching ET (entertainment tonight)! And now, I would run out of space to list my GAL activities. Truly.
I have taken writing workshops, enrolled myself in school, made tons of new friends, made yoga and swimming a non-negotiable part of my life, I throw parties, I go to parties, I will be taking tennis lessons in the summer and maybe even joining a league, I am already making plans to go kayaking with girlfriends, camping at an organic farm, planning a beach party at my friend's house, etc, etc.
That is what I mean by your GAL (chillaxing) activities!
I know that being a parent is hard. I know because JG is one and that's probably why it's taking him so long to come around. I understand. But maybe plan your life better...get up early and do the chores in time, discipline yourself, write a schedule and make time and go to the gym 4 days a week or so. That's a chillaxing activity! It can be done. You just have to make that decision to.
Shift focus, make yourself happy instead of looking towards H and external stuff. Also, do you have a spiritual practice? If not, try some meditation or go look up that church or Buddhist center you were always curious about!
Life will unfold, your happiness will WALK TO YOU, just don't try and chase after it so much and look for it OUTSIDE yourself. It's all INSIDE. Once you realize this, you will be FREE!
That's the secret of life my friend...
Keeping you in my prayers...I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you. But it will pass, just don't be in such a hurry. Read a book...how about the Bhagvad Gita? It's the holy book of the Hindus and very profound, practical thoughts in it. I bet you can find a good copy in your bookstore. I've the one by Eknath Eshwaran, it's great! It's a spa for your mind...
love you girl, now make that GAL list again!
rainbowlove --------------------------- JG is coming back to me and we're going to have a family. Positive thinking!
