I get your frustration with your H and his perpetual self pity. I still see the problem for both of you as a competition in some ways over who can find a new tact to create sympathy in the other. I agree that you two probably mean more to each other than you care to admit. That applies to my W and I too.
But I still see the key as striking a fine balance of may things - offering true empathy as the carrot, with full explanation of boundaries as the stick, radical honesty of your fears, and for your H, some way of boosting his optimism toward life.
I see you doing all these things but not together. Recall when Karen was down on herself after her accident and Lil gave her one of those gentle slaps to snap out of it, have you ever done that to you H, telling him you depend on him far too much and he is far too capable to engage in that mindset. Furthermore, ask him how you can you maintain your romanticism of him as your knight when he is like that. Empathy, mild boundary, some vulnerability and ego boost all rolled into one.
This "hitting" brings back some bad memories of my ex. She hit me pretty hard once on the head. Yeah, it left quite a bump. Worse than that, though, was that she did it in front of the kids. Wonder what kind of scars it left with them?
I hope your wife doesn't smack you in front of your kids.
have you ever done that to you H, telling him you depend on him far too much and he is far too capable to engage in that mindset. Furthermore, ask him how you can you maintain your romanticism of him as your knight when he is like that. Empathy, mild boundary, some vulnerability and ego boost all rolled into one.
Maybe I have never made it clear but my H is generally quite resistant to any sort of expressed admiration for his manliness.If he was in a good mood and I said something along those lines he would joke it off. If I said it to him when he was in a real bad mood he might say something really sarcastic like "Yeah, I'd bet you'd like that having a knight. Nice try.". He does respond well sometimes to me saying something like "So you're going to dump it all in my lap, huh?". Also, I've developed greater awareness of the fact that sometimes I unconsciously do the opposite. For instance, one evening shortly after he was home on his two week sick spell he was objecting to the fact that I had to go to a late night book sale because he had to get up early the next morning and he might stay up worrying and I said "If I don't keep working full throttle I will not be able to control my anxiety.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
No, she's never smacked me in front of the kids. Actually, the occasional smack is often deserved :-), and it beats the heck out the grabbing my earlobes and pulling that she did when we were first married (I put a stop to that right quick). Seems her dear old mum had a thing with pulling kids around by the earlobes at times, and MrsGGB somehow thought it to be appropriate to use on her H.
I'm wondering whether your H's self deprecating reponse might be his male version of an insecure woman's self deprecating remarks if a man gives her a compliment, or if a man makes a pass at her and she keeps saying no when she really means yes. If he responds as you say, then I read it as more a sign of his discomfort in being admired than not wanting you to say it.
In fact, he probably wants you to say it more but is too scared to admit to it. If he is not copnfident in his masculinity then I can see him thinking that asking for validation is being "wimpy." (BTW did he ever get teased about this sort of things from other boys when he was a kid?)
I am seeing your role as a mother trying to groom her son behind the scene to be confident, assertive, etc. That means there are times when the mom might have to smack her son to stand up straight and stick out his chest, but he knows she does it out of love for him. The military seems to have the same effect on some lost boys too. That's not going to be attractive to you, but that's what you have to work with.
I'm wondering whether your H's self deprecating reponse might be his male version of an insecure woman's self deprecating remarks if a man gives her a compliment, or if a man makes a pass at her and she keeps saying no when she really means yes. If he responds as you say, then I read it as more a sign of his discomfort in being admired than not wanting you to say it.
In fact, he probably wants you to say it more but is too scared to admit to it. If he is not copnfident in his masculinity then I can see him thinking that asking for validation is being "wimpy." (BTW did he ever get teased about this sort of things from other boys when he was a kid?)
I am seeing your role as a mother trying to groom her son behind the scene to be confident, assertive, etc. That means there are times when the mom might have to smack her son to stand up straight and stick out his chest, but he knows she does it out of love for him. The military seems to have the same effect on some lost boys too. That's not going to be attractive to you, but that's what you have to work with.
I am seeing your role as a mother trying to groom her son behind the scene to be confident, assertive, etc. That means there are times when the mom might have to smack her son to stand up straight and stick out his chest, but he knows she does it out of love for him. The military seems to have the same effect on some lost boys too. That's not going to be attractive to you, but that's what you have to work with.
I feel like this is what I've mostly been trying to do for the last 19 years and it hasn't worked. It's like I've been force-feeding him Dr. Laura's Big 3 (feed, f*ck, admire) in an effort to get the "work his heart out for you" on the other end and I've only ended up making myself exhausted. In one of my more dysfunctionally HD moments many years ago, I gave my H a BJ in order to relax him for a job interview. I guess I've come to the conclusion that if a woman goes into overdrive on following the Dr. Laura type rules than it works out to be the same as a man being supplicating. OTOH, I don't think that I should take BFs advice and act LD just to get what I want (especially since sex is part of what I want.-LOL). Though maybe the point both of you are trying to make is that I should be more Mom with the stick than Mom with the carrot. Definitely not an appealing or natural role for me. My own giant children pat me on the head these days.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
