I get your frustration with your H and his perpetual self pity. I still see the problem for both of you as a competition in some ways over who can find a new tact to create sympathy in the other. I agree that you two probably mean more to each other than you care to admit. That applies to my W and I too.
But I still see the key as striking a fine balance of may things - offering true empathy as the carrot, with full explanation of boundaries as the stick, radical honesty of your fears, and for your H, some way of boosting his optimism toward life.
I see you doing all these things but not together. Recall when Karen was down on herself after her accident and Lil gave her one of those gentle slaps to snap out of it, have you ever done that to you H, telling him you depend on him far too much and he is far too capable to engage in that mindset. Furthermore, ask him how you can you maintain your romanticism of him as your knight when he is like that. Empathy, mild boundary, some vulnerability and ego boost all rolled into one.
