One year to the date of the bomb, my H said we are over for good. I spent most of last year DBing, and had made great progress. In October of 2006, my H ended things with his OW. Little did I know she was still calling, and begging him to take her back. In December, I found out about her phone calls and ultimatums. My H admitted he wanted to go back to her, but was still thinking about it.
We went back and forth through December with him telling me not to give up hope for us. First he wanted to just get through Christmas, and then on January 1 he told me that he would make a definite decision by the end of the month. It looked good for a while. We even spent the night together a week ago with him telling me he loved me for the first time in over a year and a half.
Friday he sent me a text saying he was leaning one way, that it would be a hard step to take, and that he was sorry. We talked for several hours with him backing down a little and saying he wasn't sure yet. Saturday morning he was still half unsure, and then by noon, he had talked to his uncle and knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted a divorce, he was going back to the OW. ???????
Within a weeks time he turned completely around. I'm not sure what his uncle said, but whatever it was, it wasn't pro-marriage. So, he is going to file next week. After a year of claiming he couldn't afford to, he now says it will only cost him $100 to file and $500 to finish it.
Saturday was very emotional, I told him he needed to tell the OW everything if he thought that relationship was going to last. He said he would. What I didn't know was that he was only going to tell her 5% of what went on last year, the truth did not include telling her that he was cheating on her since last April. I was upset, I did the wrong thing, and called her.
She of course did not answer, but I left her a voicemail telling her that he was not being honest with her, that if a man is willing to cheat with you, he is willing to cheat on you. He denied it, and she believes him. As wrong as I know it was to call her, I do feel like I have some sort of closure there.
I talked to him last night, and he said he still wasn't sure if he wasn't making a huge mistake, but he thought it was what had to be done. He said he doesn't necessarily want it to be forever. I'm not sure what that means, I think it was just one final way to try and keep all of his options open.
I asked him if he would not contact me for two weeks. I told him the kids and I needed time for the dust to settle. He agreed to it, but said he didn't like it. I think the time will do all of us some good. After a year of this, I am ready to take a breather from the drama. Maybe it is what he needs to.
I am not going to hold out much hope anymore. There will be no more fighting the divorce, if it happens now, I am ready for it.
It has now been three weeks since my H decided he wanted the divorce "for sure." He met up with the OW in a motel a week ago for the first time since they broke up in October. He called last week and told me about their reunion. He said she wasn't very happy about how bland it was, she expected more. I think she thought he would be down on his knees begging her for forgiveness, he wasn't. During that phone call, he said not to ask him how, or why, but he had a feeling we would be together again someday.
I have not seen him in two weeks, we have only talked two or three times on the phone, and only 3 or 4 e-mails have been exchanged. Last contact of any kind was Thursday. He has not seen our kids in three weeks. Yesterday morning I received a e-mail from him. He broke up with the OW Saturday night, because he still could not commit to a life with her. He thought it would be for the best if he went "solo" for a while, cut all ties, to all women. He said he needed to get his head on straight. He thought he would "more than likely" still follow through with the divorce, but he is done with the OW. When he sent the e-mail, he texted me at the same time. Apparently he wanted me to know ASAP.
I have not sent a reply to him. It feels so good to be out of his drama. I just can't do the ups, and downs with him anymore. He is cycling back through the stages so fast, I can't keep up. From what I can tell, he has been in MLC for three years. One year of denial, six months of anger, a little over a year of replay, and about four months of depression and withdrawal.
This last "trip" back through replay, I think was to close the door. He felt "forced" into breaking up with her last October, and I think he had to go back, and see one last time, if the OW was what he had built her up to be. Hopefully she will not keep contacting him like she did before, and he will be able to move forward, but I guess it wouldn't surprise me if he went back again. Even if he is done with her, I'm guessing she will make one more try, she is desperate.
I think his desire to go forward with the divorce, has to do with the withdrawal stage. He thinks he needs to be alone to sort through his mess, and the only way he thinks he can do that, is to wipe the slate clean. He has had depression through most of the MLC, so I don't see that as a specific stage, in his case. I think he was starting to face his "final fears" back in January when he got spooked, and went running back into the tunnel to revisit all the stages again. Hopefully all of those doors are locked tight now, and he will be able to move forward.
I am going to stay detached from his drama. I can't help him right now. I'm not sure at this point if he will be able to follow through with the divorce, he has put it off so many times already. Hopefully he won't see it as the only way to clean up his mess.
Goodness. Well, my first thought is, what normal, sane man calls his WIFE after his "reunion" with his other woman, to tell his WIFE how it went????????? Hello???????????? MLC. I'm sorry that you got dragged through another round of the rollercoaster but it is GREAT that you got off the ride and detached from his craziness. That A is so unstable, and he may bounce back and forth a few more times with her before it completely dies out, but it will. He wants to make sure you're still an option when he isn't feeling so unstable; that is why he said he felt you'd be together again someday. I think they remember when they wanted only us and they long to get back to that place of sanity. Right now, they know they are NOT acting rational. hugs to you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I'm glad to see you're back posting. Given that you are still going through this process, it is good to be among people who can identify.
Well, perhaps to state the obvious, it is definitely not bad news that he is breaking it off with OW. Now comes the real test of your patience, I think.
Originally Posted By: lael
I think his desire to go forward with the divorce, has to do with the withdrawal stage. He thinks he needs to be alone to sort through his mess, and the only way he thinks he can do that, is to wipe the slate clean. He has had depression through most of the MLC, so I don't see that as a specific stage, in his case. I think he was starting to face his "final fears" back in January when he got spooked, and went running back into the tunnel to revisit all the stages again. Hopefully all of those doors are locked tight now, and he will be able to move forward.
I am going to stay detached from his drama. I can't help him right now. I'm not sure at this point if he will be able to follow through with the divorce, he has put it off so many times already. Hopefully he won't see it as the only way to clean up his mess.
This sounds like a sane plan to me. Just let him be. Lord knows we can't predict these MLCers, but I for one will be surprised if he files. He sounds too withdrawn. Again, if you can just let him be for awhile, he may decide to help himself.
Thanks for your reply Hope. He is not a normal, sane man, that is obvious.
I think the phone call was an attempt to keep me hanging on. I already knew he had spent the weekend with her, he was trying to do damage control. He didn't want me to think that things were just wonderful with them. It's weird.
He is defiantly trying to keep me as an option. I think he is starting to worry that I might not be there though. I spent most of last year trying to convince him that what he was doing was wrong, and that he needed to come home. I have finally dropped the rope, and now he is starting to worry.
I think the A may have finally fizzled out this time for good, but only time will tell. I don't think he would have told me about it this soon if he thought he was going to see her again. In a warped way, I think he wanted me to tell him I was proud of him for ending it. He wants me to respect him, because right now, I don't think he respects himself.
I have not posted much over the last few months because I simply didn't have the energy. From October to the end of January, my H was very much in our lives again, and emotionally after dealing with him, I was just too drained to come here. I feel like I have been holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have kept up reading though. I have been meaning to post to you for a long time. I am so proud of how strong you have become.
I should really go back and fill in the blanks of the last few months. My H really seemed to make progress for a while. He does still need to work on himself, something he should have been doing during these last few months. The OW had such a hold over him, not only couldn't he work on us, he couldn't work on himself. Everything he did, he did with the fear that she wouldn't take him back.
He started seeing a counselor in November, and went on AD's. I am hoping he will keep up with it. I will give him the time and space that he needs, I have nothing to lose at this point.
Hello, to old friends, and new. I guess it's time to post on my own thread again. I have been lurking, but not posting.
There has been a new, yet expected turn of events in my situation. My H filed for divorce last week, and I signed acceptance of the papers on Monday. In 90 days, my marriage will be over.
It was up and down for a few weeks. He didn't talk much about the divorce for about a month, then the day before my birthday he went in, and got things started with the paperwork, but didn't file. St. Patrick's Day he tracked me down, and we ended up spending the night together. Bad idea I am sure, but I was still holding out hope.
Two weeks ago he started to get mean again. He seems to be back in the early stages of his MLC, where everything is my fault. Last week when he filed, he told me that he wants this to be civil. Civil, only because he doesn't want the divorce to cost him more than he thinks it should.
He does have moments where he breaks down, and asks me to forgive him if the divorce turns out to be a mistake. He can't completely say that the divorce is the right thing to do, but he is trying to, "find himself," and he thinks it will bring him the peace he needs.
I have cut off contact with him for the most part. He keeps telling me it doesn't have to be like this, but I don't know how it can be any other way. I gave him control through most of last year, letting him come and go, and see the OW when he wanted to. Now it is time to take back some control over my life.
I received a lot of strength and support from this board last year, and I am hoping to get some of that again. There are so many wonderful people here.
I am sorry it came to this but he may the d to come out the other side. He is still in mlc. You are right it is time to take back control of your life. Keep moving forward and when your h wakes up you can decide then whether you want him back. The choice will be yours.
Thanks for stopping by mermaid, and always. I'm sorry you are in the same boat.
I'm not looking forward to the anger he will have through the divorce process. He is defiantly still deep in MLC. I'm thinking there is another step in there that he went through, that is not on the list of stages. It was more than just a touch and go, but I'm not sure exactly what you would call it. He is all the way back in the tunnel now nonetheless.
I actually thought a few months ago that it would be better to know it was over, and get on with it, but now that the divorce is really starting, I would almost rather be back in limbo. The day will come when I can put all of this behind me, I'm just afraid he will wake up about 24 hours after that.
