Her feelings are her feelings, they aren't wrong for her. But, because she's feeling hurt is not necessarily something you need to feel responsible for either.
Yes, this is true, and I'm as aware of it as I can be. However, W believes that I AM responsible for her pain, pain that SHE'S creating by maintaining a extramarital relationship. The only solution to her pain that she's willing to accept is to dissolve our marriage. This is not a solution for me.
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I'm glad you were able to express your feelings to her re the mall incident because that's part of standing up for yourself, isn't that what she says she wants when she says "why don't you grow a pair?".
I think this is exactly what I should be doing. I see this as being aware of my emotions and making my W aware of them as well. It's also a precursor to saying "my emotional state is important enough to me that I will remove myself from our contact for a time if we are unable to communicate in a way that doesn't upset me." Sounds a bit simplistic and maybe even a bit stupid in print, but it makes a big difference in the way I feel in the dynamic. No more blaming and judging on my part, simply acknowledging my feelings, communicating them and then continuing the conversation trying to be effective.
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But, I can also imagine that when you ask your W "how would you like me to address these type of situations?" she would respond "you should know that without asking"
Why yes, WI, this is exactly it. I should know. I should know her well enough to just know. She shouldn't have to say anything. Etc.
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...So do you just stop asking whether she knows where the store is or do you stop asking "how do we deal with these situations?" or just carry on.
I don't like the idea of avoiding conflict or communication. I don't like going on assumptions. I think it makes sense to ask the question (either of them). If you take away the opportunity to have conflict, you are taking away an opportunity to productively resolve conflict as a team. You're hiding from problems rather than acknowledging the problem and solving it.
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But as you know it's not all these minor complaints that are the issue yet she refuses to deal with "the issue". She's made YOU the issue versus looking at healing the dynamic in your R.
Exactly. It's a personal fight to keep myself from seeing her as the problem. It never will be, but sometimes I have the urge to say F-it with the whole relationship. Say she's impossible and be done. This isn't what I want either. There's nothing productive in this.
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It must create a sense of helplessness sometimes for you. I feel that sometimes when I see my W working so hard at not allowing us to connect. She's protecting her R with OP by not allowing the walls to drop, even a bit. That is frustrating and it's tough to feel continually rejected, as I'm sure you feel much of the time as well. Take care.
Yes, you're right on here. I do feel helpless. I all too often get to that place in my internal logical dialogue where I say if she would only do this, or unless she does that or acknowledges this, etc., there's nothing I can do. Being aware of where the boundaries are between us is important, but preventing myself from taking responsibility for dynamics and healing that could possibly take place because of my perception that she owns a particular portion of the dynamic isn't helpful either. Yes, the rejection is tough. It's all very frustrating, but I have a lot to be thankful for as well.
Thanks Whatis for sharing this journey with me.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
