Muddle, I think you are correct in not wanting to just automatically dismiss any complaint or hurt feeling she has. Her feelings are her feelings, they aren't wrong for her. But, because she's feeling hurt is not necessarily something you need to feel responsible for either. You are well aware of this and do as much with it as one could expect. Once we start to dismiss everything as "her problem" we become locked into our own way of thinking, which as you say, should never be absolute. It's walking that thin line which is so difficult and because it's so difficult emotionally a lot of people just stop trying and do adopt the absolutist mode of operation. I'm glad you were able to express your feelings to her re the mall incident because that's part of standing up for yourself, isn't that what she says she wants when she says "why don't you grow a pair?". I know my W gets pissed when I ask things like "do you remember where..." or especially if I say "you can turn right here"...and that's because in her mind it infers that I think she's stupid by asking "do you remember where the store is" whereas I think I'm just being helpful. Either way is not wrong, it's just different. I now refrain from giving driving instructions, if she wants to know she can ask. But, I can also imagine that when you ask your W "how would you like me to address these type of situations?" she would respond "you should know that without asking"...So do you just stop asking whether she knows where the store is or do you stop asking "how do we deal with these situations?" or just carry on. Beats me! But as you know it's not all these minor complaints that are the issue yet she refuses to deal with "the issue". She's made YOU the issue versus looking at healing the dynamic in your R. It must create a sense of helplessness sometimes for you. I feel that sometimes when I see my W working so hard at not allowing us to connect. She's protecting her R with OP by not allowing the walls to drop, even a bit. That is frustrating and it's tough to feel continually rejected, as I'm sure you feel much of the time as well. Take care.
